GK: ... after a message from Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie and rhubarb pie filling. You're a busy guy, the CEO of Worldwide Whoopee Cushions, a deacon in your church, active in community groups----- and then one day at your office (SS GIBBERISH, TR GIBBERISH RESPONSES) you're sitting in a meeting and people are yammering on about nothing and you start to feel very relaxed and (WAVES CRASHING) now you're on a warm beach and (GULLS) the sun is shining and you decide to go swimming so you start to take off your pants (SS SCREAM) ----
TR: What? What did I do? Oh my gosh!!!! What have I done????? (STING)
GK: You are required to attend sixty hours of sensitivity training along with two other guys (PIGS SNORTING), two guys with big necks and heads like cereal boxes who are crude and vulgar and nothing like you, you're not one of them, are you?
TR: No!
GK: Of course you're not. You're a responsible conservative. You listen to public radio---- (TR ANNC: We turn now to music of Johann Sebastian Bach) ----- you love the opera (TENOR) you go to the theater (TR: Et tu Brute? Then Caesar fall! GROAN) ----- you are a connoisseur of fine wines (POP CORK ---- TR: This is a 1998 Chateau Julien ----- a very expressive if sometimes ironical wine (POURING) -----wait a minute ----- public radio ---- let's rewind that tape (REWIND) ... and play it back at a slower speed...
TR (AT SLOW SPEED): w e t u r n n o w t o m u s i c o f J o h a n n S e b a s t i a n B a c h ... h i s B r a n d e n b u r g C o n c e r t o N o. T h r e e ...
(SIMUL)
SS: (WHISPERING) Take off your pants ... take off your pants.
GK: Subliminal messages on public radio. That explains why the Universalist Unitarian church is booming today.
TR (AT SLOW SPEED): ... h i s B r a n d e n b u r g C o n c e r t o N o. 3 ----
p e r f o r m e d b y t h e S t . P a u l C h a m b e r O r c h e s t r a ...
SS: (WHISPERING) There is no God. There's just us.
GK: Subliminal messages on public radio. You knew there had to be something more to it. People don't just sit around being erudite. It's not natural. So that's why you have been so generous to public radio, making those enormous donations-----
TR (AT SLOW SPEED): P u b l i c r a d i o n e e d s y o u r s u p p o r t. I f y o u v a l u e t h I s p r o g r a m, w o n ' t y o u p I c k u p t h e p h o n e R i g h t n o w a n d m a k e a c a l l ------ o u r v o l u n t e e r s a r e W a i t I n g t o h e a r f r o m y o u n o w ----
SS (WHISPERING): Withdraw your company's pension fund from wherever it is and transfer it to a bank account in the Bahamas. Here's the account number. 4 5 4 6 7 7 ---- (FADE)
GK: What have you done?
TR: Oh my gosh. I've drained the company dry and sent everything to those wily liberals who run public radio and now I have to face my board of directors. I'll be sent to the federal pen! Why did I listen to that station!!! I knew there was something going on----- (STING)
GK: You're a felon. You're about to make the perp walk on local TV, your hands cuffed behind your back. (GRIEG PIANO, QUIET)
TR: Wait----- I love this piece. It's so beautiful. Where else could you hear this but on public radio? (GRIEG CONTINUES)
SS (WHISPER): When you see the TV cameras, drop your pants and bend over.
(THEME)
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie----- yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth quite like Bebopareebop Rhubarb pie----
JINGLE