This week was a nightmare for me. It all started when I went to the ATM machine (TRAFFIC PASSING) ---- and I swiped my bank card and (BEEPS) the screen said: English or Swedish? I don't know why ----- I pressed Swedish (TR ELECTRONIC SWEDISH) and then my PIN number (FOUR BEEPS) and it was wrong (BUZZER) ----- I punched in another one (BEEPS) and it was even more wrong (HARSHER BUZZER) ------ and now there were people in line behind me (CROWD MURMUR)----
TR: Hurry it up, wouldja.
SS: Let's do this while we're young.
TK: You forget how it works, Pops? (SHAME CHORDS)
And the ATM machine chewed up my card (GRINDING) and spit it out (PTOOEY) and I went home in humiliation and that night I dreamed that I was locked in a room with no door. (TK PITIFUL CRIES FOR HELP, REVERB) No door, just a big angry dog. (SNARLING) And an angry God. (TR SWEDISH) I didn't sleep all night. I had terrible hallucinations about standing in the middle of the freeway and cars passing (FAST TRAFFIC, SEMI TRUCK, DOPPLER HORN, MORE CARS) and then a 747 coming in to land straight toward me (JET APPROACHING) and I woke up in terror, (ALARM) the alarm going off ----- I got up and made coffee and I put two pieces of toast into the toaster and pushed it down (SFX) but I forgot the PIN number for the toaster, which is a new digital toaster, and the toaster alarm went off (BEEPING) and I had to call an 800 number to get the PIN number and I wound up talking to somebody in New Delhi----
TR (ON PHONE, INDIAN): You wish your PIN number for what?
GK: It's for my toaster.
TR (ON PHONE): What is the serial number of the toaster?
GK: I have no idea.
TR (ON PHONE): It's on the bottom of the toaster----
GK: Listen, never mind, I'll call and have some toast delivered. It's easier. So I called Toast of the Town-----
SS (ON PHONE, RECORDING): This is Toast of the Town. We're sorry but all of our operators are busy with other customers. Please hold and your call will be answered as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience. Our business is very important to us. While you're waiting, would you like to hear about how you can save thousands of dollars in interest payments a year by refinancing your home? Press one if you would---- (BRIDGE)
GK: And I pressed one and before I knew it I had a new mortgage at 14% annual interest and I came home that night and when I put my key in the lock (KLAXON ALARM) the burglar alarm went off and lights are flashing and (DISTANT SIREN) the cops came and (COP VOICES) their guns were drawn ------
TK (ON BULLHORN): Tell us your mother's maiden name.
GK: Hendricks! No. Hernandez. Liebling. Lundberg. Am I close?
TK (ON BULLHORN): On the ground, mister. Face down. No sudden moves. (CRISIS CHORDS)
GK: They got me to the precinct station and one cop, the nice cop, said to me----
TR: You have family we could call to come and get you? Or somebody from the AARP?
GK: What are you saying?
TR: You just seem sort of confused, Pops.
GK: Pops! (SHAME CHORDS) And I slunk home, crestfallen, and that very day, in downtown St. Paul, I had the first problem I've ever had in my life with parallel parking ---- me ----- unable to park ---- (SCRAPE OF TIRE ON CURB) I turned in a little too far and scraped the curb, and I had to pull out and try again and (BRAKES SCREECH, TK YELLS) almost ran into a guy and I went to back in a second time and I (BOING) went up over the curb and (TR YELL) almost struck a disabled vet in a wheelchair so I pulled out into the street while carefully checking my sideview mirror and (SLIGHT CRUNCH) I hit the car ahead and knocked off the hubcap (HUBCAP SPIN) and of course it was a car belonging to a young woman with bright green hair and fishhooks in her lower lip.
SS: Hey! You need me to park that barge for you, Gramps?
GK: The sun was in my eyes.
SS: Back it in so the car's butt is aimed into the corner of the parking space and then straighten it out----
GK: I know how to parallel park. I don't need you to tell me how to parallel park.
TR: Oh yeah? Then let's see you do it. (MORE CROWD UPROAR. DOGS BARKIING. WHISTLES. HORNS.)
GK: There was a big crowd and I backed in for another try and was doing okay until I got the brake and the gas pedal mixed up and (CAR REV) (CRASH, GLASS BREAKAGE, CAR ALARM) totaled the car behind me. And of course the cops came. (SIREN) And they told me I'd have to take my driver's test all over again. (SHAME CHORDS) I couldn't believe it. A simple skill like parallel parking. You can do it but you go along for months parking in parking lots and ramps and empty streets where you don't have to back into a space, and after awhile you lose that skill. ----- Same thing happened to me with spelling. I've always been a terrific speller. And then----
TK: How do you spell pusillanimous?
GK: Pusillanimous. Uh----- let me see. Pusillanimous.
TK: Never mind, I'll look it up in the dictionary.
GK: No, I know that. I know it. (CHORDS) All those skills you were known for all those years.
TR: Here, dad. Let me open that wine bottle for you.
GK: I can do this----
TR: Here. I'll do it. (SWIFT CORKSCREW, AND CORK POP)
GK: I always used to be the one who pulled the corks. No more. And Morris dancing. (TOOTING, BELLS, GLAD CRIES OF DANCING MEN) I seemed to have forgotten how. And dueling. I hadn't fought a duel in years, but I thought I could, and then (SLAP) ---- what was that for? ---
SS: You know.
GK: I do not know. Why did you slap me?
SS: You pusillanimous pipsqueak. You poltroon. You puffed-up Grand Poobah of Pusillanimity and poltroonishness.
GK: What did I do to you?
SS: Your sword, sir---- (CLASH OF STEEL)
GK: I don't fight duels with women----
SS: You do now----- (SWORDFIGHT GOES ON, WITH FOOTSTEPS AND HEAVY BREATHING, AND SS AGGRESSIVE YELLS)
GK: I used to be a good swordfighter, but you know, I'm a liberal, and we're into negotiation and trying to understand other points of view, and none of that sharpens your ability to wield a rapier and poke people with it. And ---- (SS THRUST)
GK: Ouch!
SS: Gotcha.
GK: Oh that smarts. And I walked away and --- (FOOTSTEPS) wouldn't you know it, my car was being towed (WINCHING) and a dog was sitting there laughing at me (DOG LAUGHTER) and I could hear God laughing (TR SWEDISH CHUCKLING) and as the towtruck hauled my car away (TRUCK PULLS AWAY), a car driven by an old lady parallel parked in that space in two precise maneuvers------ (CAR BACK AND FORWARD) (SS OLD LADY: What you looking at?) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? (BEBOP THEME) Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like a piece of Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie----
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb pie
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb pie