SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets--but high above the quiet streets on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those days in February when the crime rate in Minnesota drops to next to nothing. People steal cars but only ones that have been warmed up first. They deal drugs but mainly extra-strength Nyquil. The wind comes sweeping down off plains of Manitoba and Lake Superior freezes solid and starts to move slowly south and you can feel other states looking up at us and thinking, "Why don't you people come in and close the door? There's a draft." I was sitting in my office trying to warm a cigar so I could light it and the phone rang. (PHONE RING) (PICK UP)
GK: Yeah, Guy Noir here.
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir? This is Louis Lipps down in Hot Springs, Arkansas.
GK: Yes, sir, how's everything down there?
TR (ON PHONE): Not so hot. We're getting a lot of Minnesotans flying down here and frankly they're bringing down the temperature of the springs. And we've had wildlife migrating down here too.
GK: Moose? Deer?
TR (ON PHONE): Bears.
GK: Bears!
TR (ON PHONE): Bipolar bears.
GK: Aha.
TR (ON PHONE): They're pretty depressed. They just want to lie around and sleep.
GK: It's called hibernation.
TR (ON PHONE): They get down in the dumps and we have to even them out. Anyway----- would you mind coming down and having a look? (BRIDGE) (JET LANDING)
GK: So I did. (OUTDOOR AMBIENCE) Thermal springs sure do a lot for Arkansas. I arrived and the temperature was in the 70s, green grass, flowers blooming, blue skies and girls dancing in grass skirts. (HULA MUSIC) (TROPICAL BIRDS) Flamingos walking around, egrets. Or are those egrets and are those flamingos? (BIRDS ATTEMPT TO ANNOUNCE THEIR IDENTITY) I'm sorry, I couldn't get all of that. (BIRD CRIES "EGRET! EGRET!") You're an egret? (BIRD SHRIEKS AFFIRMATIVE) Okay. Great. ---- I walked into a grove of palms (CHIMPS) and weeping willows and vines and there were lions in there. (ROAR) The Lions were holding a Gun & Knife Collector show and it was something to see these big jungle cats holding a .357 Manlicher Schlemmer to their shoulders and shooting with accuracy. (RIFLE GLAST) And then throwing a knife. (LION, THROWS KNIFE, HITS TREE, BWWANNNNGGG). I saw a few Minnesotans. (TR SWEDISH) But mostly they were sitting in the shade and drinking coffee and waiting for the big geysers to go off. (RUMBLING START) Which Hot Springs is famous for. That and the motels with the heart-shaped beds. Those are the beds that Hot Springs is named for. I was heading over that way and----- (BUMP, SS SURPRISE) Oh, I'm sorry.
SS (SOUTHERN): Oh, that's quite all right. I wasn't looking where I was going. Are you all right?
GK: I'm fine. Here let me----
SS (SOUTHERN): Oh, I dropped my notebooks.
GK: Here, let me pick them up for you-----
SS (SOUTHERN): Why that's so kind of you.
GK: You from here?
SS (SOUTHERN): Born and bred. My name is Juanita.
GK: President Clinton is from here, too, isn't he?
SS (SOUTHERN): Right. Bill and I were in school together.
GK: Really! What was he like in high school?
SS (SOUTHERN): He'd raise his hand before the teacher finished asking the question and when he interrupted you, he wouldn't just finish your sentence.. he would finish the next four paragraphs. And he always had that tight-lipped, upside-down smile. You know the one I'm talking about?
GK: And that was here in Hot Springs-----
SS (SOUTHERN): Hot Springs High School ---- our nickname was the Eruptions ---- He and I were in marching band together. I played the saxophone and he played the flute.
GK: I thought he played saxophone.
SS (SOUTHERN): He switched to saxophone later. He took a poll that showed that most Americans don't consider the flute to be manly.
GK: I see.
SS (SOUTHERN): So he switched. This notebook here---- this is his diary from high school ---- I was just taking it over to him-----
GK: You mind if I look at it?
SS (SOUTHERN): Go ahead. (BRIDGE)
GK: It was page after page of very neat handwriting and it sure sounded like Mr. Clinton---
TR (CLINTON): (REVERB) Dear Diary, This week I have been debating myself in front of a mirror and learning to say important things while smiling. I have read the Oxford English Dictionary and the Hot Springs phonebook and have cut down on doughnuts. I've added "parsimonious" and "pusillanimous" to my vocabulary words. And I have gotten appointed chairman of the homecoming committee ---- theme: Parisian Nights. It will be difficult to create a authentic Parisian atmosphere with only two basketball hoops from which to hang decorations, but somehow I believe we can succeed. And to do that, we must begin now.
GK: This is interesting---- Does he come back home often?
SS (SOUTHERN): Sure ---- he's right over there in the baths. The big building. The Tower of Bubble. (BRIDGE) (HOT TUB BUBBLING AMBIENCE)
GK: I found my way inside the bathhouse where the air was thick with steam and got undressed in the locker room -----
FN (WOMAN): You looking for a towel, sugar?
GK: I am---- but is this the men's locker room?
FN (WOMAN): Oh, my glasses are so steamed up, it doesn't matter. Towels are over there---- take two, you look a little on the hefty side.
GK: Thanks. (BAREFOOT STEPS) I grabbed a towel and headed into the baths and saw a pale man with dark glasses sitting in a tub. (STEAM, WATER) The 42nd president of the United States.
TR (CLINTON): Hey, there, fella. Come on in. Water feels good.
GK: Yes, sir.
TR (CLINTON): Did you know that Hot Springs National Park in which we are sitting today was established by the Congress of the United States 32 years before Yellowstone National Park, and so, though it is the smallest of our national parks, it has the distinction of being the first ---- the firstl federally protected reservation in our country's history, a green sanctuary that is one of the birthrights of all Americans?
GK: I've missed hearing you talk. Nice to see you. Nice to remember when the budget was in surplus and the rest of the world liked us.
TR (CLINTON): Thanks, Mr.-
GK: Noir. Guy Noir.
TR (CLINTON): I like to come here to relax. Being in hot water has always calmed me down.
GK: That was one of the great things about your presidency.
TR (CLINTON): Crises didn't bother me. Everybody else would get all hot and bothered and I was cool, calm, and collected. .I would've been even cooler if I hadn't read the newspapers like President Bush. Wish I'd thought of that. Would've made me a lot freer to do what I wanted to do. Like the song says, Freedom's just another word for not knowing what is going on.
GK: You working on your memoirs these days?
TR (CLINTON): All finished with it. All thirty-five thousand pages.
GK: That's a big book, Mr. President.
TR (CLINTON): It's about the size of a breadbox.
GK: I suppose you spent a good part of it on the whole impeachment thing.
TR (CLINTON): No, that's in Volume 2.
GK: You working on that?
TR (CLINTON): No, I'm working on a novel.
GK: Wow, when you get sidetracked you don't mess around.
TR (CLINTON): I've heard people say that. Anyway, it's about a governor of a small Southern state and his name is Clint Williams and he's elected President for two terms and then he has an operation on his face and he disguises his voice and he runs for President again but this time as a Republican.
GK: Really----
TR (CLINTON): Cause there's less to remember. Cut taxes, deregulate, build up the military. You just keep repeating them and changing the order.
(DOGS GROWLING. SOME BARKS)
GK: How come those dogs are upset?
TR (CLINTON): Those are yellow dogs. You ever hear of a yellow dog Democrat?
GK: A Democrat who'd rather vote for a yellow dog than a Republican?
TR (CLINTON): Those two are the yellow dogs they elected.
GK: I think they think we're Republicans. (DOGS BARKING)
TR (CLINTON): I think we may have to make a run for it. (DOGS SNARLING, LUNGING) Let's go---- (SPLASH OF WATER, FAST FOOTSTEPS, DOGS BARKING)
GK: Up here, Mr. President---- up this tree---- (EFFORT) (DOGS BARKING)
TR (CLINTON): I'm coming---- (EFFORT) (SCRAMBLING UP TREE)
GK: Hurry---- (DOG BARK)
TR (CLINTON): Ouch!
GK: You okay?
TR (CLINTON): I'm fine.
GK: I thought you were supposed to have Secret Service protection.
TR (CLINTON): Secret Service can't protect you from your fellow Democrats. (DOGS BARKING)
GK: I hate to point this out, but we both forgot our towels, Mr. President.
SS (SOUTHERN): (OFF) Bill? Is that you? (DOGS BARKING)
TR (CLINTON): Depends on what you mean by "you," Juanita----just kidding----- how you doing, Darling?
SS (SOUTHERN): Better than you, I'd say.
GK: Ma'am---- You mind tossing a couple of towels up here? We are having a wardrobe malfunction.
SS (SOUTHERN): Well, I'd have to think about that.
TR (CLINTON): Come on, darling. ----
SS (SOUTHERN): Give me one reason why I ought to----
TR (CLINTON): I'll let you run the barbecue concession at my Presidential Library, Juanita----
SS (SOUTHERN): It's a deal. (BRIDGE)
GK: So she brought us some towels, and we got dressed. --- Good to see your home town, Mr. President.
TR (CLINTON): You come back in November when the Presidential Library opens up.
GK: I'll try to do that. (BRIDGE) I walked around town and saw the geyser go off (GUSHING) and the water flows into a pool where elephants come and drink (ELEPHANT CRIES) and dolphins (SFX) and there's a volcano that erupts every hour, but I had to head home. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye (THEME UP AND OUT)