(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets--but high above the quiet streets on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those January days when a freezing rain slows things down on the freeways and rush hour looks like Napoleon's retreat from Moscow and you can feel the road rage, all of the good Christian people slowly turning into serial killers. One more good reason to be a private eye. There's no rush. You just sit and wait for the phone to ring. (PHONE RING) Like that.
(PHONE PICKUP) Yeah. Guy Noir here.
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, my name is Chick Hickenlooper and I'm calling from Iowa. It's about the Iowa caucuses-----
GK: Well, if you're asking me to come down and campaign, Mr. Hickenlooper, the answer is no. I'm a lifelong Undecided.
TR (ON PHONE): No, Mr. Noir-
GK: But if your candidate isn't drawing well, I could come down and stand in the front row and clap if you need older heavy-set guys in blue suits----
TR (ON PHONE): No, I don't think you understand-----
GK: If you're looking for gravitas, you maybe need some big people in the audience-----
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir------
GK: I could look like I never heard the speech before----
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir-----
GK: I could dress up as a farmer or a truckdriver if you want to give it that touch----
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir----
GK: I could even be clergy if you want to add a spiritual flavor---- maybe not Catholic, but Methodist, Presbyterian----.
(DIAL TONE)
GK: Hello? ----- Guess he got over-excited and pushed the wrong button. (BRIDGE) For the right price, I wouldn't mind going down to Iowa and being a supporter, try to look all giddy and excited about hearing a speech about single payer health care, and then he called back. (PHONE RING, PICKUP) Yeah---------
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, would you let me talk now? Thank you. I'm calling on behalf of the Walker Poll. We used to be the Gallup Poll but the electorate is aging so now we're the Walker. Anyway, the Iowa caucuses are a big thing for us and frankly, we're going crazy. Our polling results are swinging wildly back and forth from hour to hour and we'd like you to go down there and figure out which way the wind is blowing. Okay? (BRIDGE)
GK: So off I went to Sioux City. Drove down and saw a coffeeshop called the Zeitgeist Diner and walked in. (DINER AMBIENCE) Sat down at the counter.
SS: Coffee?
GK: Sure, thanks. (DISHWARE CLATTER) Interesting name, Zeitgeist.
SS: It's German.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: Pete Zeitgeist. He used to be the owner.
GK: I see.
SS: He sold it to Warren Weltschmerz.
GK: I see. Interesting.
SS: Menu?
GK: Naw. Just coffee. I can't help but notice all those campaign pins on your apron, ma'am. Keen for Dean. Kerry on with Kerry,. Get Smart, Gephardt, Be Sharp With Sharpton, Jeepers Creepers It's Lieberman. Clark: A Shot In The Dark.
SS: Well they are all so nice. I love the primary. Look forward to it for four years.
GK: How's that?
SS: It's just so friendly. In your big states, politics is something you see on TV but in Iowa ---- well, for example ----- John Kerry came over yesterday and brought a green bean casserole that he made himself, it was just wonderful, and he fixed a slow drain while he was there and then Senator and Mrs. Lieberman came over and I showed them slides from our trip to Arizona and that was nice and then Howard Dean came by----
GK: Are you the county chairman?
SS: No, no, no----- just a voter---- anyway, Howard Dean came and I mentioned this sore throat I've had and he went to the medicine cabinet to look for a thermometer and noticed that the toilet was running and he fixed the float mechanism with a bobby-pin and the phone rang and it was Wesley Clark saying he was thinking about me and meanwhile Dick Gephardt knocks on the door and he noticed that it wasn't hanging right and in two seconds flat he had the door off the hinges and he was planing and sanding it square and put a nice finish on it and then he asked to use the toilet and I said yes so he went upstairs and he decided that Howard Dean had done everything wrong and he took the float mechanism apart and put on a new washer and then John Edwards came by with a batch of cookies in a Zip-lock bag and I took some up to the kids and there was water on the floor and I slipped and sprained my ankle and I called the babysitter to take care of the kids, and Dennis Kucinich answered and he came right over and stayed for five hours and Howard Dean came with the ambulance and when I got home Senator Kerry had hooked up my cable modem and Hadassah Lieberman had moved into the upstairs bedroom and was making meals and doing laundry----- it's been like that for six months.
GK: You're going to be sorry when it's over, aren't you----
SS: I'm going to miss these people. I tell you, people who call Edwards a weak candidate haven't watched him open a jar of pickles.
GK: Well, I wish you well. (BRIDGE) I called up Walker Polling
SS: (RECORDED OPERATOR): Thank you for calling Walker Polling. Your call is important to us. If you wish to declare a preference in the primary, please press one now. If you're calling from a crank-type phone, crank two longs and a short. If you wish to speak to an operator, dial or say zero.
GK: Zero.
SS: (RECORDED OPERATOR): I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you.
GK: Zero.
SS: If you said, Sorrow, please hang up and call the Suicide Hotline-----
GK: Zero. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. The Null Set. Absence. Emptiness. Goose egg.
SS: Your call is being transferred to an operator.
GK: Thank you.
SS (LIVE OPERATOR): Walker Polling this is Darcy speaking how may I direct your call?
GK: Mr. Hickenlooper-.
SS: I'm sorry, there is no Mr. Hickenlooper here, sir.
GK: No Mr. Hickenlooper?
SS: No, sir. There's just Mrs. Hendrickson, Mr. Stacy, and me.
GK: Thanks anyway. (BRIDGE) Something didn't smell right. Then I checked Mr. Hickenlooper's number on my cell phone. It wasn't an Iowa number. It was a Washington number. So I called it. (RING).
TR(BUSH, ON PHONE : Yes sir? Leader of the Free World, speaking.
GK: Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): President of These United States. POTUS, that's me. Who's this?
GK: It's Guy Noir, Mr. President. You asked me to go take a look at Iowa.
TR (BUSH) Right. The little state with the flat top and bottom and the wiggly sides----
GK: That's it. Right below Minnesota.
TR(BUSH): Caucus coming up down there.
GK: That's right.
TR(BUSH): I knew there'd be a caucus, what with all them Caucasians down there.
GK: That's true, too, Mr. President.
TR (BUSH): So how's it going out there, Mr. Noir? Who's winning? Kinda looks like John Dean, don't you think?
GK: Howard Dean.
TR (BUSH): That's right. How's he doing?
GK: It's a tight race, sir.
TR (BUSH): Well, I remember Iowa well. Fall of 1999. I was all over the place. Coffee parties. Kiwanis. Rotary. Campaigned on a platform of smaller government, balancing the budget, returning power to the people, and no more nation-building.
GK: I remember.
TR (BUSH): If I had to do it all over again, I think I'd just smile and shake hands.
GK: No platform?
TR (BUSH): Unless it's on wheels.
GK: So what you going to campaign on this year, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): I'm coming out in favor of marriage, for one thing.
GK: That's nice.
TR (BUSH): Coming out in opposition to terrorism.
GK: That's good.
TR (BUSH): Medicine for sick people.
GK: Yeah.
TR (BUSH): And going to Mars.
GK: Why Mars?
TR (BUSH): I just think it's cool. I hope to go sometime.
GK: I hope you do, sir..
TR (BUSH): Thank you very much. Well, I gotta go. Condi Rice is calling about dinner, and I think I'm supposed to bring rice pilaf.
GK: Good luck. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye.