(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--..Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC UP)
GK: It was one of those winter days when the sky looks like fresh-poured concrete and there's a sort of gray scrim over the city, like we're in a flashback. I was in New York trying to break up a Jell-O ring and I was supposed to head back to St. Paul and then the snow started coming down and they closed LaGuardia so I was sitting in room 12K of the Globerman Hotel when I heard music (CELLPHONE, IN A GADDA LA VIDA) and thought maybe it was a Mr. Softee truck and then realized it was my cellphone. ---- Yeah, this is Guy Noir.
TR (MAYOR, ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, it's the mayor. Mike Bloomberg. How's everything?
GK: Well, I was just about to leave town and then this snow came along.
TR (MAYOR): You're waiting for LaGuardia to open up.
GK: Right
TR (MAYOR): Well, in the meantime, maybe you could help me out. You heard that the Republican party is holding its national convention here next summer.
GK: Yeah. I heard they were going to live on a cruise ship.
TR (MAYOR): Yeah, well, that got changed.
GK: I was amazed they chose New York. Republicans don't feel comfortable in big cities. They don't like to have people they don't know standing real close to them, speaking in foreign languages and all that. So they cancelled the cruise ship idea, huh?
TR (MAYOR): Yeah. The ship wasn't big enough for George Bush to land an F-16 on, so they cancelled it.
GK: I see.
TR (MAYOR): Then they were going to stay in Westchester and be brought to and from the convention center in helicopters. And now they're going to stay in the city but they want us to cordon off sidewalks for them.
GK: They want you to cordon off sidewalks?
TR (MAYOR): I want them to get out and see what a great city this is. But they're scared.
GK: You want help with security?
TR (MAYOR): No, what we need is public restrooms.
GK: I've noticed.
TR (MAYOR): We've been trying to get public restrooms in this city since the LaGuardia administration. The problem is the
paperwork. Wall Street --- no regulations at all. Bunch of bandits. But you want to put toilets on the street, you're tied up in hearings for years. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I agreed to help. It never had been a career goal for me, to get into the toilet business, but the truth is, Manhattan is a city without public restrooms. That's why so many old people leave the city for Miami. More toilets. The Statue of Liberty is standing out there with her legs crossed. And what about pregnant women? They got to go about every ten minutes. A city that doesn't look after pregnant women isn't thinking about the future. So I called up my old pal, Robin Bebop, ace reporter for the New York Daily Dish, the tabloid that strikes fear into the hearts of the privileged ---
SS (ROBIN): Pay toilets!?!! Ha. City's been working on that for twenty years! There's a whole city department. The Dept. of Elimination. A commissioner and six assistant commissioners and staff that's bigger than the line for the Empire State Building balcony.
GK: So how come the Dept. of Elimination couldn't help pay toilets?
SS (ROBIN): Well, you have to use union labor to build them. And when you get these people inside a bathroom, they stay in there all day. So it took em ten years to build a prototype. A toilet that would accommodate a wheelchair and be self cleaning and not harbor criminals or violate any civil rights and was kosher and you payment would be adjusted to your annual income and then they tried it out and it wouldn't flush. (BRIDGE)
GK: Manhattan. (CROWD AMBIANCE. FN VOICES. HORNS. CAR ALARMS.) I walked down Broadway past the Brill Building and Colony Records and Howard Johnson's. Signs in all the windows: "Toilets for customers only." In order to pee, you'd have to go in and buy a $3 cup of coffee. It just didn't make sense. Out-
of-towners think that New Yorkers are pushy ---- well, you would be too if you had to go that bad. (BRIDGE) I walked into Eddie Condon's bar on west 51st. (JAZZ BASS, W FRED SAX) Nice old dark place. Bartender in a white shirt and a black tie. Then I saw Robin sitting in a booth in the back. (FOOTSTEPS) Hey, kid. Nice to run in to you.
SS (ROBIN): Hey, no problem. My pleasure. Like you to meet my friend, Duke.
TR (BOGEY): Pleasure to meet you, sir. Heard a lot about you. Some of it good.
SS (ROBIN): Duke is very well connected in New York, Guy----
TR (BOGEY): Used to be very well connected----
SS (ROBIN): He knows everybody.
TR (BOGEY): I used to---- nowadays---- I donno ---- nobody knows anybody---- it's different from what it was---- used to be, you could pick up a phone and talk to Gilly or Jojo or Joey the K. and, bang, it was done. Now? I donno.
GK: What happened?
TR (BOGEY): I don't know anybody anymore. Except that guy over there drinking a Shirley Temple. What's his name? I seen him on TV----
GK: It's Michael Jackson.
SS (ROBIN): What? Where? Oh my gosh----
TR (MICHAEL): It's so cruel, so evil. I was told by a man to meet him here and he would sell me a biffy.
GK: A man offered you a biffy?
TR (MICHAEL): I want one for the ranch. I just love them.
GK: Oh. Right. Well, I'm sure he'll show up any minute now.
SS (ROBIN): I'm a reporter with the New York Daily Dish, Mr. Jackson---- if I took a picture of you, would you mind hiding your face?
TR (MICHAEL): Okay. Sounds like fun. (BRIDGE)
GK: It was a wild hunch but I got the name of the biffy guy from Mr. Jackson and Googled him and went out to Queens and (CITY AMBIENCE, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL) it was an abandoned warehouse (FOOTSTEPS, CRUNCHING. CAT) I made my way around to the back and jimmied the door with a hairpin(JIMMYING) and got it open (CREAKING DOOR) and there it was. (GLISS) It was beautiful. Stainless steel. You slide your Metrocard through (BEEP) and the door opened (HUM) and there was music (FRED, PIZZICATO, "NEW YORK, NEW YORK") and there was reading material and it worked just fine. (FLUSH) Obviously somebody didn't want these on the streets. Somebody with a vested interest in
The status quo.
TR (RICO): Okay, smart guy. Hands in the air and turn around real slow. (BRIDGE)
GK: He was the size of a Dumpster with a five o'clock shadow that was still on Daylight Savings Time. ---- Hey mister----
TR (RICO): When I want a word out of you, smart guy, I'll ask for one, okay----?
GK: Okay, but if you think that's a gun in your hand. Look again----
TR (RICO): What you talking about? What? ---- A TOILET BRUSH!!!! (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
GK: I made a break for it ---- out the nearest window (GLASS BREAKING) (RUNNING FAST, TR SHOUTING AND GIVING CHASE) and up the street and as I ran along, my footsteps set off every car alarm in passing (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, SERIES OF THREE CAR ALARMS, QUICKLY PASSING) and I dashed to the corner and across the street (CARS SWERVING, BRAKES, HORNS, ANGRY SHOUTS) and I hopped up on a horse-drawn carriage (TR GEEZER: Want a ride around the park?) ---- Here's thirty bucks, gramps, let's go. (WHIP, WHINNY, GALLOPING HOOVES) and we took off down the street at a gallop and narrowly missed a bunch of nuns crossing the street (NUN OUTCRIES) and we pulled up alongside a bus and I jumped on it ---- Let's go! Step on it. (AIR BRAKES, BUS START UP) and I took that for a few blocks and it stopped for a red light and I got out ---- (BIKE BELL APPROACHING) and I jumped on the back of a messenger's bike ----- (BICYCLE) he didn't notice, he had headphones on (HIPHOP) and he took me about a mile and there was the subway stop ---- Thanks for the lift! (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) down into the station I went and through the turnstile (TURNSTILE RATCHETS) and down the stairs to the platform (AMBIENCE) and no trains coming and ---- TR (OFF): Hey---- ! ---- it was the guy with the toilet brush, still on my trail ---- I had no choice ---- I jumped down on the tracks and took off through the tunnel (RUNNING FOOTSTPES ON GRAVEL, REVERB) and I could hear him behind me (TR OFF: Hey, wait!) and he was gaining on me (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) and the next station was a long way ahead through the darkness and ---- TR: Gotcha----! (TWO MEN FALL TO THE TRACKS, GRAPPLING, THEN) ----
GK: Okay, You got me. I give up.
TR (RICO): You shoulda gave up a long time ago, mister.
GK: I'm sorry.
TR (RICO): Sure you're sorry. Make me have to run after you. Now----guess what? I gotta pee really bad.
GK: You do?
TR (RICO): All that running, yeah. Gotta pee real bad.
GK: Well, just pee over there.
TR (RICO): Over there, that's the third rail, mister.
GK: Oh.
TR (RICO): You pee on that and your days of manly pleasure are over.
GK: And just then we heard the train coming. (DISTANT HUM) It was coming fast. The express. (LOUDER MOAN) We threw ourselves against the tunnel wall and---- (ROAR OF TRAIN PASSING IN TUNNEL, FOUR CARS, WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH, CLACKETY CLACK, TRAIN HORN WITH DOPPLER EFFECT GOING AWAY. SILENCE)
TR (RICO): Guess what? I don't need to pee anymore. (BRIDGE)
GK: He and I then did what people who narrowly avert death so often do --- we bonded. We became pals.
TR (RICO): You and me, buddy. As far as I'm concerned, you're family. Here. I want to give you a big hug.
GK: Thanks (THEY EMBRACE)
TR (RICO): Listen. You want me to give my blessing to the coin toilets---- fine---- I can do that. And you do something for me.
GK: What can I do for you?
TR (RICO): You're from Minnesota, aren't you----
GK: What gave you that impression?
TR (RICO): You are, right?
GK: What is it? Did I spill tuna hotdish on myself? Is there a chunk of macaroni between my teeth?
TR (RICO): No, it's the Golden Gophers cap.
GK: Oh. This. Sure. Right.
TR (RICO): Listen. I need a favor. You do something for me, and I'll let the toilet deal go through.
GK: What kind of favor?
TR (RICO): I'm throwing a surprise birthday party for my wife---- okay? Big party. Going all out. Fifteen-piece orchestra. Six-course meal. Dancing. The whole nine yards. But I want something really different, you know what I mean? Something that makes people think, Wow. You know?
GK: What do you have in mind?
TR (RICO): I want to have Bob Dylan and Jesse (The Body) Ventura jump out of a birthday cake in their underwear and sing "Forever Young" to her----
GK: Bob Dylan and Jesse Ventura, huh? In their underwear.
TR (RICO): Money no object-----
GK: Hey, that really simplifies things. (BRIDGE) When money's no object, a lot of things can be accomplished that would be impossible if there's a lid on the budget. So---- a few weeks later-----
RD (DYLAN) & TR (JESSE): Forever young.
Forever young.
May you stay
Forever young.
GK: And that's how the toilet situation got straightened out and the Republicans decided to get off the boat. By me getting a couple of typical Minnesotans to come and sing at a birthday party----
RD (DYLAN) & TR (JESSE): May you always have a cellphone when you're running late
May you always find a toilet when your need is very great
May you always be beloved by the folks you are among
May you stay----forever young.
GK: But the downside is that people assume that you can do anything-----
TR (BLOOMBERG): Mr. Noir, it's Mike Bloomberg. It's about the city budget. I just looked at what this convention is going to cost us in police overtime.
GK: I don't do budgets, Mr. Mayor.
TR (BLOOMBERG): But I figured you---
GK: I don't do budgets. Sorry. I'm a guy who lives on hope.
TR (BLOOMBERG): You couldn't take a look at this-----
GK: I'm not a budget guy. I'm a hopeful guy. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--.--Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)