GK: ... after a message from the Catchup Advisory Board.
SS: These are the good years for Jim and me. Our neighbor got sick and went into hospice care and I snuck over there late one night and took down all of her wind chimes and now we don't need earplugs at night anymore. The therapy program that our kids are in only allows them to write letters to us, no phone calls or visits, and that's nice: most of the things they used to scream at us about, they have a hard time spelling, so their letters are short and fairly cheerful. We brought in an exorcist to calm the angry spirits in the kids' rooms and now we can walk past their doors without our heads spinning around on our necks. We should've been happy. And then one day I made an astonishing discovery in the garbage. I had lost a pen and thought maybe I'd thrown it away by mistake and I looked through the trash and there---- I couldn't believe it----- Jim? Honey? Is this what I think it is?
TR: What is what?
SS: This. I found it in the garbage. Oh honey-----
TR: It's just a couple of rocks.
SS: These are the mood stones I gave you for your birthday----- Jim?
TR: I must've dropped them in the trash by accident-----
SS: Don't you like mood stones? I thought you did. You said you did.
TR: Well, you've given me quite a few mood stones, Barb. I mean, how many does a guy need?
SS: These are to carry in your pocket and you rub them together and they create healing spiritual energy, Jim-----
TR: Maybe I have enough spiritual energy----
SS: Jim. I think we need to talk.
TR: Okay------
SS: I mean, really talk.
TR: What do you mean?
SS: I think we need to go on a marriage retreat.
TR: I don't think of our marriage in terms of retreat, Barb. I think of it as a forward charge-----
SS: I heard about this marriage retreat sponsored by the National Rifle Association, Jim. My hairdresser went on it. She said it changed her life.
TR: What's that?
SS: It's a deer-hunting weekend for married couples. It lets you learn how to work together toward a common goal and communicate about the things that matter and also track your prey and kill it.
TR: But we're not hunters. We don't have rifles. Or orange coats.
SS: They provide all of that.
TR: But the N.R.A., Barb?
SS: Statistics show that firearm possession helps marriages grow and flourish. People who buy guns don't get divorces. They get acquittals.
TR: I was planning to clean the gutters this week.
SS: (BIG SIGH) Oh, it's always something, isn't it.
TR: You know what I think is the problem with our marriage? I don't think we get enough ketchup. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that just seem to bring people together without requiring the bloodshed of innocent wildlife.
SS: Darn it, you're right, Jim. No matter what I'm cooking, it just seems like a big dollop of ketchup almost always improves it.
RD: (SINGS) Here is November, the air is crisp and clear.
Let's not go hunting ---- let's just ignore the deer.
Pass that bottle of ketchup over here.
GK: Ketchup----for the good time.
RD: Ketchup--.ketchup--..ketchup.