(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
(PIANO)
GK: It was one of those cold fall days when you start to feel mortality coming in through the window panes. I'd gotten a call to go to an address in Eden Prairie where some guy was holding people hostage and it turned out to be a rest home for radio personalities called Horror--.H.O.R.R.O.R. ---- Honorable Old Retired Radio Old-timers Residence ---- and the guy was some poor old coot who was miffed because he couldn't remember a joke-----
TR (OLD): Okay, mister. Hold it right there and no sudden moves and nobody gets hurt. I don't want to use this but believe me, I will if I have to, so don't push me. Somebody tell me that joke somebody told me this morning, or I'll shoot. I swear it.
GK: That's not a gun you got in your hand, mister. It's a pair of ping-pong paddles. But what was the joke about?
TR (OLD): Sex.
GK: That covers a lot of material.
TR (OLD): Marriage.
GK: That doesn't narrow it down much. How about "It's only premarital sex if you're planning on getting married."
TR (OLD): I don't get it.
GK: How about: "Getting married for the sex is like taking a flight to London for the salted peanuts."
TR (OLD): No, that wasn't it, either.
SS (OLD): Hey, don't I know you? Weren't you on the Arle Haeberle Show with me? (BRIDGE)
GK: I looked at her. She smelled like Ben Gay and looked like Ben Franklin. ---- No, sorry, ma'am. I don't go back that far. I'm only 61.
SS (OLD): Well, I'm 61.
GK: You are? (CHILL STING) I looked around. All these geezers ---- they were from my era (TR GEEZER SINGING: Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better.) Suddenly I felt like I was in a Dostoevsky novel. I went over to the Five Spot. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey there, Guy--- how goes it?
GK: Oh, okay I guess.
TR (JIMMY): Good to see you. Big news.
GK: What's that?
TR (JIMMY): We're closing the Five Spot next week.
GK: You're what?
TR (JIMMY): It's just for renovation.
GK: Renovation!!!
TR (JIMMY): Mel is going to make it into a karaoke bar.
GK: What????
TR (JIMMY): He's going to call it The Big Kahuna Carnival Lounge.
GK: How can he do this?
TR (JIMMY): You gotta have atmosphere if you're gonna get a young crowd. Make it like a beach party. Big fire pit. Drums throbbing. Waitresses dancing on the bar.
GK: That's terrible.
TR (JIMMY): Drunken people spend money. It's been shown time and time again. And the people who drink a lot are young people because if they weren't young, they'd be dead.
GK: That's terrible. (REVERB) That's terrible. (MORE REVERB) That's terrible. (REVERB OUT) (BRIDGE) That night I had a dream that I was walking down a dark alley cluttered with garbage. (SFX) Broken glass on the pavement. (CRUNCHING) Steam rose from the sewer. (SFX) A cat sang from a window ledge above. (ALLEYCAT MEOW) I went by the hotel (TV AUDIO) where old guys sat in their pink pajamas watching TV. (RATTLE OF PANS) Next door was a greasy spoon and the Union Gospel Mission (ORGAN) where old winos sat hunched over bowls of soup (SLURP) ---- and there was a dance hall where tired old dames with runs in their stockings danced for a dollar a dance ------
SS (TIRED, HUSKY, MONOTONE): Hey. Wanna dance?
GK: I don't dance that well.
SS: That's okay, neither do I.
GK: I don't have a dollar.
SS: How much you got?
GK: A quarter.
SS: I'll dance with you for a quarter.
GK: Okay. (DANCING) I don't want to do it if it's going to make you feel cheapened though----
SS: No. I consider it a privilege. I'm a dancer.
GK: Right. You dance really well.
SS: You'd never know I had a wooden leg, would you?
GK: No.
SS: Actually my body is made from parts of all different bodies.
GK: Oh really.
SS: See the scars on my face?
GK: They're not that noticeable.
SS: Don't squeeze my arm or it'll come out of the socket.
GK: I'll try not to. (BRIDGE)
GK: It was a horrible dream. I woke up in a cold sweat. (SHIVERING) And in the morning, I called up my therapist Geraldine and told her I needed to come over right away. (BRIDGE)
JS: So what's happening with you, honey? You look a fright. You need some coffee?
GK: Yeah, thanks. (POURING, CUP BEING PASSED) Just feeling those ancient blues, I guess. Friend of mine died in New York. George Plimpton. A guy with a good heart and he was so alive. So much in the present, so busy having fun, it's hard to put him back on the shelf.
JS: Did you read that book I recommended to you?
GK: Taking The Turn Toward You? No, I didn't.
JS: It's all about putting the past behind you. Which is where it is anyway. Putting everything behind that you can't do anything about. Letting go of it. Walking away from it. ---- Excuse me. (FOOTSTEPS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, girl----- You winding it up in there? You're supposed to be at school in fifteen minutes. (KNOCKING) I told you that half an hour ago! (KNOCKING) C'mon, let's go. (DOOR OPEN)
SS (TEEN): I HATE YOU!!!! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!! (DOOR SLAM)
JS: My daughter.
GK: I figured.
JS: She's mad because I won't let her go to a sleepover with a bunch of hoboes under a railroad bridge. ------- I want to see you OUT HERE in five minutes, girl ---- . YOU HEAR ME? (DOOR THROWN OPEN)
SS: Go away! Get out of my life! Leave me alone! (DOOR SLAM)
JS: Nineteen years old and all she thinks about is boys and clothes and parties. Stays out late, sleeps till noon. Her room is a disaster area. Plays music so loud it strips wallpaper. Dresses like a call girl. Got cleavage popping out like cartoon eyeballs. Got a new tattoo on her butt that says, "If you can read this, let's party." I don't know what to do with her.
GK: I miss being young. Miss the intensity of it. The way you go after something and decide you're going to do it and nothing can stop you. I don't have that anymore. Somehow I got out of the game and became a spectator. Just one more lumbering galoot sitting and watching other people live their lives.
JS: Did you read that book I gave you? The one about rebirthing?
GK: No, I didn't. (PHONE RING)
JS: Excuse me. (PICK UP) Hi, mama. (SS VOICE AT OTHER END) I was just about to call you, Mama. (VOICE) How are you, Mama? (VOICE) No, I realize I didn't call you yesterday. How are you today, Mama? (VOICE) No, I'm just sitting here talking with a client. (VOICE) I'll call you in half an hour, okay? (VOICE) No, I won't forget. Bye. (VOICE) (CLICK) ------ That was my mother.
GK: I figured.
JS: She worries. It's her hobby.
GK: Old people are such frauds. Have to put up this big front about how they really enjoy it and life has never been better and the truth of it is that anybody would give any decade of old age for one year of youth. I would trade my fifties for the year I was 18. Absolutely. It's the greatest time of life. You're like a maniac but everything that happens to you, you remember it forever. I can't remember much about being 40 but I sure remember when I was 18.
(PAUSE)
JS: Excuse me. (FOOTSTEPS. POUNDING ON DOOR.) If I don't see you out here in two minutes, sugar, I am going to cut down that door with a chainsaw and you are going to start you a new life as an underprivileged person, honey! You hear me? Are you listening? (DOOR FLUNG OPEN)
SS: Why are you so stupid???? (DOOR SLAM)
(FOOTSTEPS)
GK: I would think that a therapist would----
JS: You'd think so, wouldn't you. But I don't.
GK: Well, I sympathize, for what it's worth.
JS: Listen, I don't often give this advice to clients, but let me give it to you: I think you need to get out more often.
GK: You think I need to get out more often.
JS: I know, it's not what you pay a therapist to tell you, but it's true ----- you ought to get outside and get some fresh air.
GK: This is the sort of thing my mother used to tell me.
JS: She was right. Every day, get outside and take a nice long walk. You'll feel better.
GK: Okay. Maybe I'll do that.
JS: And remember that old song:
(SINGS) Trouble in mind
And I'm blue
But I won't be blue always.
The sun's gonna shine in my back door someday.
JS: It's a life full of trouble
And one day you wind up in a coffin
But while the sun is shining
You need to get outside more often.
GK: I headed out for my walk and (TRAFFIC) it was a bright fall day and, doggone it, after a few blocks I did feel better. Felt so good, I dropped in at Nouvelle novelty store. Hey, you got any rockets?
TK (JOWLY): Yeah, what kind you want?
GK: Gimme some big ones.
TK (JOWLY): You want the Whammers or the Whizzers?
GK: Gimme some of both.
TK (JOWLY): Sky Bombs?
GK: Sure.
TK (JOWLY): We got the Blue Jasmine Unfolding With White Swans.
GK: Sounds good. -----(BRIDGE) And that night I took the rockets out to a hill overlooking town. (DISTANT TRAIN WHISTLE) Set em up in the tall grass and got ready to light them and the game was on the radio---- I tuned in-----
TR (HERB CARNEAL ON RADIO): And we're down to the wire now. The Red Sox have men on second and third, two out, score tied here in the bottom of the ninth, and Plimpton comes to bat. He has singled, struck out, and drew a walk. ---- First pitch is low. Ball one. Fast ball. ----- Ford pitching a heck of a game for the Yankees. He looks in for the sign. ---- Here's the second pitch. And Plimpton swings and misses. Strike one. Curve ball. Down and away. ----- Red Sox fans are all on their feet. Their team has its back to the wall, but the fans are not giving up. ---- Here's the pitch. (CRACK) And he hits a high fly ball that's going deep to center----- Mantle is going back--..he's to the warning track----.and it's ----- OVER THE FENCE ----- A HOME RUN------ THE SOX HAVE WON IT AT LAST----- (SERIES OF ROCKETS)
GK: I sent the rockets arcing up high over town, one by one, the great whoosh (WHOOSH) of the lift-off and the long silent arc of flight and then --- (EXPLOSIONS OF ROCKET) that explosion of orange and red and blue and green in the sky. Like you were celebrating something. Like there could be something to celebrate.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to hide its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions----Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)