(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman; LK: Leo Kottke)
GK: Tonight's show is the last live broadcast of the season and then next week we go into what you call reruns and what we call Featured Encore Presentations through September. So after the show my tuxedo goes back to the rental agency and I'll walk out the stage door. (FOOTSTEPS QUICKEN) And across the parking lot and out to the highway (TRAFFIC PASSING FAST) and I'll take out my cardboard sign that says, "Going West" and hold it up and (CARS PASSING FAST) wait for a Volvo to pull over. Some old left-winger who still picks up hitch-hikers. (TRAFFIC PASSING) But there aren't any because we're all Republicans now. So (FOOTSTEPS) I walk across the highway (SEMI PASSING, HORN), over to the train tracks, and (DISTANT TRAIN WHISTLE) here comes the westbound---- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, TRAIN NEARING) and I run alongside as the train comes along-------- freedom! ----- I've been looking forward to this all year ----- ---- (RUNNING FAST NOW, TRAIN CLICK-CLACKING) And I grab hold of the boxcar ladder and swing myself up and into the boxcar and (DOOR SLIDE, AND SLAM) it's empty. (INSIDE BOXCAR AMBIENCE*) Except for a couple of hoboes and a woman standing in the front of the boxcar.
SS (OLDER): First I want to thank you for riding Conrail. We realize that you had a choice when it came to hopping freight trains, and we hope to make your ride just as pleasant and safe as possible. Please make certain that your duffel bag or other carry-ons are safely stowed. The engineer has asked that all of you remain seated in a full upright position and that you fasten your seat belts as the train passes over the next ten miles of rough track.
LK: Fasten my seat belt????
SS (OLDER): It's right there on the floor---next to your protective headgear and burlap barf bag.
LK: I'm not going to wear a seat belt---- I'm a hobo!
SS (OLDER): I'm sorry sir, it's a federal requirement under the Transient Peoples Safety Act of 1993---- It's for your own safety.
LK: Go stuff it.
SS (OLDER): You can't speak to me like that. I'm a boxcar attendant. I'm here for your own good. No---- No------ (SHE IS THROWN FROM TRAIN, A LONG CRY OF FLIGHT)
GK: Hey --- that's kind of rough--- throw her into a hay field.
LK: It's okay. It's an artificial hay field. It's soft.
GK: Who's that in the corner? Friend of yours?
TR (BUSH): Evening there.
LK: Howdy.
TR (BUSH): Thanks for getting rid of the freight attendant. She got on my nerves the way she kept coming around offering me peanuts.
LK: You're welcome. You from Texas by any chance?
TR (BUSH): Could be.
GK: You sure do look familiar. Have I seen you on TV? Standing behind a lectern maybe? Reading from a teleprompter?
TR ( BUSH): Here on the road, I just go by the name of Waco George.
LK: Good to meet you, Waco.
TR (BUSH): Most of us who are out riding the rails are keeping a low profile, if you know what I mean. Like that gal over there in the corner, makin' fondue in a shoe, she goes by the name of "Connecticut Martha."
SS (MARTHA): Hi. I can make that burlap bag into a lovely centerpiece if you'd like----
(STRING QUARTET TRAIN MOTION, PLUS SFX)
GK: The train wound west through Albany and down into Ohio and we lay down and went to sleep to the sound of the wheels rolling, and woke up and we were barreling through Illinois and went to sleep again, and woke up in the Black Hills of South Dakota, and watched out the open door as the ranches and grasslands flew past, and then dozed off, and then there was a screech of brakes (SCREECHING, END OF STRING QUARTET) as the train came to a stop----- (SCREECHING TO STOP. OUTDOORS AMBIENCE) It was dark outside. Midnight or so.
LK: Down there in the woods----- I see a campfire-----somebody's
cooking up a mess of beans ----- must be a hobo camp. (QUARTET: MAJESTY
OF THE WEST)
(NIGHTTIME AMBIENCE)
GK: We were out west all right. Big sky full of stars. Mountains. The smell of pine trees. Freedom. You just felt like yourself for once. Just a man among men. ------ There was a campfire in a clearing not far away and an old hobo fixing supper.
FN (OLD): Set down. Got plenty of grub to go around. Glad to have the company. (RUSTLING OF TINWARE, FIRE, MEN SETTLING DOWN) Help yourself to the moonshine, too.
TR (BUSH): None for me, thanks. But maybe I'll take some for my daughters.
FN (OLD): Cooled off some today. Good sleeping weather.
GK: Good. Good to be out in the wilderness. Free from rules and regulations -------- free from deadlines and goals and evaluations -----
KN: How about us?
GK: Who's that?
KN: This string quartet sitting back here in the underbrush playing music.
GK: Oh. There you are.
KN: You don't know what regimentation is until you've played in an orchestra. You can't even breathe unless somebody points a stick at you.
LK: Whole country is like that now. No trespassing signs everywhere. Everybody thinking about liability. Warnings on your restaurant menu that undercooked meat might be bad for you. Guard rails to keep you from falling into a little ditch.
GK: We've become a nation of seat belts and public opinion polls and everybody on medications. Fear everywhere. Nobody daring to speak their mind for fear of getting somebody mad at them. No leadership.
TR (BUSH): Really? You think?
(QUARTET: CAMPFIRE CONVERSATION)
GK: Sure was good pork and beans.
FN: It wasn't pork. It was badger. Road kill. Pretty fresh.
TR (BUSH): Tasted good with beans.
FN: Yeah. Ever so often you can get yourself a badger that's punky but this was a good un. Nice flavor.
LK: Sure is nice to sit around and look up at the stars and not have to go anywhere or do anything.
TR (BUSH): Yeah.
GK: You're probably pretty used to sticking to a schedule, I'd think, Waco George.
TR (BUSH): Yeah. They keep me running.
GK: What do they do when you're away?
TR (BUSH): I've got people who run things even when I'm there, so it's no problem.
FN: You're not afraid you might lose your job?
TR (BUSH): Nope. They tried to get rid of the guy before me and I don't think they're going to try it again.
GK: You enjoy your job?
TR (BUSH): I've been trying Paxil lately. Seems to take some of the edge off. But this hobo life sure beats Paxil.
(QUARTET: WHOOPITIYIYO)
GK: I'm just an old hobo, or trying to be,
I'm off riding freight trains so I can be free,
LK: Free of all rules, regulations, control,
Where a man can express the delight of his soul.
Whoopitiyiyo get along you old hobo
Ride that freight train through the wild west
Whoopitiyiyo beware of educators
Who will give you a hobo aptitude test.
TR (BUSH): I am from Texas, a man of the soil,
Who drills in the earth and hopes to find oil.
We'll drill in the Arctic, no matter what
And if you don't like it you can come kiss my----- Yes!
TRIO: Whoopitiyiyo we're all a bunch of hoboes
Riding that freight train across the great plains
Whoopitiyiyo we're all a bunch of hobos
We eat when we're hungry, we bathe when it rains.
GK: Wish everybody could come and see what it's like, being a hobo. (BRIDGE) And in the morning----
FN: Letter came for you this morning.
GK: A letter! How'd they find me out here? And where's Waco George? And the other guy?
FN: They left early. Some people came for him in a helicopter.
GK: Who's the letter from anyway?
FN: It's addressed to "Tall Lonesome Man And One-Time Radio Show Host."
GK: Guess it's for me. (RIPPING OF ENVELOPE. OPENING OF LETTER)
SS: (REVERB) My darling, We miss you so much and our home seems empty and cold without you. ((QUARTET: HEARTS & FLOWERS) We sit in the living room listening for the sound of your footsteps, sniffing for your musky aroma. We count the hours until we behold your manly countenance once more. We are bereft. (VOICE BREAKS) We need you. We are sick with worry. Please. Come home. If you can't, at least call us and tell us where you put the remote.
GK: So I said goodbye and headed for home.
(QUARTET: HOMECOMING)
FN: Good seeing you. Have a good year. And don't forget --- Non carborundum Luterano. Don't let the Lutherans grind you down. And if they do, just come back out on the road.
GK: Thanks, pal. I recommend it. A couple weeks of hobo life. Go somewhere you weren't planning to go and stay around longer than you thought you would. And then go home. Walk up the sidewalk and there's your house. A light in the window. Your loved ones, waiting to kill the fatted calf. (COW) Waiting to make that fatted calf into a barbecue. Waiting to put on a Welcome Home party. Best reason to leave home is to be able to come back.
© Garrison Keillor 2003