(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(MUSIC)
GK: It's Saturday night in Kalamazoo and he borrowed his dad's Chrysler for the date (CAR START) and he drives it through the streets of town (TRAFFIC) ---- a summer night and people are mowing their yards (MOWER) and he wheels the Chrysler around the corner (BELTS SQUEALING) and he turns on the radio (POISON IVY) cruising through town on his way to pick up the girl of his dreams, the light of his life ---- she lives in the Big House on the hill, her daddy owns the mill, they're rolling in money, so as he pulls into the long driveway and through the big gates, he switches his radio (END OF POISON IVY, RADIO DIAL STATIC, STATIONS) and he tunes it to the end of the FM dial where public radio is----- (BACH CELLO SONATA)
SS: Hi. How are you?
GK: A glow emanates from her golden hair, her blue eyes ---- she is a goddess and he is suddenly filled with lustful thoughts (BASS GROOVE) as he drives her to the fanciest restaurant in town, the Cafe de Kalamazoo (TR FRENCH WAITER) ---- and they (FOOTSTEPS) are shown to a corner table---
SS: Wow. Cool.
GK: It's right beside the aquarium (BUBBLING) which is full of tropical fish and the waiter brings a bottle of wine (TR FRENCH. CORKSCREW. POP CORK. POURING) and they drink a toast ----
FN: Here's to us, sweetheart.
SS: Right. Cool.
GK: And the waiter brings the condiment tray (TR FRENCH) and the menu--..(AQUARIUM) And everything is perfect.
SS: Wow.
GK: Until he takes a stalk of celery from the celery dish. (EXPLOSIVE CRUNCH) Everyone in the room is looking his way. Heads turn. (SERIES OF WHIPLIKE SFX) The waiter speaks to him. (TR FRENCH)
SS: Was that you?
GK: He shakes his head. It's the loudest celery he ever ate. He tries to chew it slowly. (SLOW LOUD CRUNCH) He lets it sit and soak in his mouth for a minute, trying to soften it.
SS: Are you okay?
FN (MOUTH FULL): Fine.
GK: And he tries again (LOUD CRUNCHING). A whole mouthful of celery. He has to chew and get it over with. (LOUD CHEWING) And a terrified fish leaps out of the aquarium (SPLASH) and lands in his date's bodice (SS CRY) and she flings her wine glass into the air and (CRASH) hits the waiter (TR FRENCH EXCLAMATION) who drops his tray of boeuf bourgignonne (CLATTER AND SQUISH)--
--and that attracts the seeing eye dog (WOOFS) whose leash is wound around the blind man's wrist (TR BLIND MAN STARTLEMENT) and he is yanked off his feet and into the dessert cart (CRASH, SQUISHING) ---- which comes skidding toward their table and (SS CRY OF ALARM. BIG CRASH. MAJOR SQUOSHING) and after the waiter wipes all the chocolate off her and she leaves in a taxi (SFX) the young man (FOOTSTEPS) walks to his dad's Chrysler (CAR START) and drives home (CAR ENGINE) and the radio is tuned to public radio (BACH CELLO) and he switches it back to the blues station (POISON IVY), and it's Saturday night in Kalamazoo.
© Garrison Keillor 2003