(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman; JS: Jearlyn Steele)
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by AT&T, Atchison
Topeka & Topanga ---- for reliable Internet connections on the open
trail ---- it's AT&T dot Cow ..... and now here's today's adventure
with Dusty and Lefty..
(COWS MOOING)
GK: Here it is on the map, Dusty. Bend. Should be just beyond those
hills yonder.
TR: I thought we were going to South Bend.
GK: That's east of here.
TR: Can't wait to get into Bend and find the saloon and bend my elbow. And when I get around the bend, I'll find one of those dance-hall floozies and have some fun.
GK: I'm going to find that woman I met on the Internet. TallNSexy was her screen name. Boy, she is quite the gal. I wouldn't mind keeping my running shoes in her closet.
TR: I didn't know you wanted to be a runner.
GK: For a woman, I'd do just about anything.
TR: Me too.
GK: I just hope they don't know that.
TR: The longer we can lead them to believe that our standards
are high, the better. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: We headed for town next morning and I went to the barber shop.
(SNIPPING OF SCISSORS)
FN: You new in town?
GK: Yeah.
(SNIPPING)
FN: Thought so. (SNIPPING) Don't remember seeing you around before. (SNIPPING)
GK: That's because I never was here before.
FN: Well, that stands to reason, don't it. (SNIPPING) Hard to know somebody if they don't come around. (SNIPPING)
GK: It feels like you're taking an awful lot off the top.
FN: I thought you said you were going in the Marines.
GK: I was talking about a girl named Maureen! (STRIDES, THEN STOPS) Oh my gosh--- (STING)
FN: Well, it'll grow back.
GK: I came in for a haircut because I'm here to meet a girl and you make me look like some kinda lunatic. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. JINGLE. SLAM. MUSIC BRIDGE) So I headed over to the hotel. (FOOTSTEPS)
FN: What can I do for you?
GK: Want a room.
FN: Okay. That's two bucks. The rules around here are simple: no shooting, no spitting, no jumping out of the windows onto a horse, and if you get into a fistfight and you go rolling down the stairs and you bust the banister, you gotta nail it back up. And no floozies in the room. (BRIDGE)
GK: I went up and ran a hot bath and climbed in (SPLASH) ----- ahffnow that's pleasure ----- (SLIGHT WATER LAPPING) ---- sitting in a hot bath with my old guitar (STRUM)-----
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
GK: Who's that?
JS: I'm the therapist, Lefty. You called?
GK: Right. Thanks for coming. You don't mind I'm in the bath.
JS: Perfectly all right.
GK: I don't want to offend you.
JS: Don't worry. You're not my type. I'm here to help you with your issues, Lefty --- help you escape from the circle of self-reinforcing behavior.
GK: What's that?
JS: Pretty typical for cowboys. You're lonely on the trail so you go to town but you never developed the necessary social skills so you're unhappy there so you go back out on the trail to be free of other people and their demands and after awhile you're lonely again and you come back to town and you hate it even more.
GK: What's the answer? I imagine it's something like deep cleansing breaths and finding a safe place to go to----
JS: Actually, I think you ought to do something about your hair. It's kind of scary. Especially with those huge eyebrows.
GK: I'm in love. In love with a woman in Bend.
JS: Who is she?
GK: I've got no idea.
JS: That could be a problem.
GK: I wrote a song about her --- (STRUMS)
Dreaming of you whoever you are,
I've loved you since Tuesday we met
I talked with you, dear, and felt you were near,
In a chat room on the Internet.
And though I just know your screen name
I love you my dear just the same
If I could but win your heart, little girl,
Then I would be happy, I know.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
The e-mail you sent me was so full of love,
You are beautiful IMHO
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
GK: Come in!
(DOOR OPEN)
TR: What in Sam Hill happened to your hair, Lefty?
GK: I've enlisted in the Armed Services.
TR: Looks like you had a brush fire.
GK: Well, get over it. It's the new style.
TR: New style among people with lice...and who's this with you?
JS: I'm a therapist.
TR: Whatever you say, ma'am ----
JS: I'm a therapist!
TR: Fine by me. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: We headed over to the Yellow Dog Saloon thinking they might have an Internet hook-up so I could check my e-mail for something from TallNSexy but we walked in and (CAMPTOWN RACES PIANO, COARSE LAUGHTER) it was just a plain ordinary rotgut type of saloon, nothing stylish about it (GLASS BREAKAGE, LOUD LAUGHTER) ---- I'll bet I've got the only library card in this whole saloon, Dusty----
TR: I wouldn't start waving it around if I was you.
SS (BARMAID): Evening boys, welcome to the Yellow Dog ----
What can I get for you?
GK: I'd like a glass of Scotch -----
(SUDDENLY SILENT ON WORD "SCOTCH")
FN (OLD GUNMAN): What'd you say, mister?
GK: What business is it of yours?
FN (OLD GUNMAN): This isn't a Scotch whiskey bar. It's a rye whiskey bar.
GK: You know, I'm a cowboy, I don't take to being told what to drink where, Mister----
TR: Lefty, hush----
FN (OLD GUNMAN): Don't go where you don't belong, mister. That's all I got to say.
GK: Bring me a glass of Scotch, ma'am. Single malt. From the Hebrides Islands.
SS (BARMAID): I'll have to send out for it. It might take an hour.
GK: Fine. You wouldn't happen to know where I could find an Internet connection, too?
SS (BARMAID): You could find that upstairs. In my room.
FN (OLD GUNMAN): What about your room?
GK: None of your business.
FN (OLD GUNMAN): This here Samuel Colt says it's plenty of my business.
TR: Lefty, I think we better get out of here.
SS (BARMAID): You ever go online, mister?
GK: I have.
SS (BARMAID): I kinda like to myself.
GK: There's a chat room I'm partial to, called Buckaroos and Buckarettes.
SS (BARMAID): I often go in there myself.
GK: You do?
SS (BARMAID): Maybe we've spoken online.
GK: You don't look like anybody I've talked to, they were all in their thirties.
FN (OLD GUNMAN): Hey---- I don't like you buttin in here and trying to make time with my girlfriend, mister----
TR: Lefty, come on----
GK: Maybe when she became your girlfriend, she wasn't aware of the choices available to her.
SS (BARMAID): Wendell---- please----
GK: Your name is what? Wendell? Wendell! That ain't a gunfighter's name. That's a florist's name. That's the name of a geography teacher.
FN (OLD GUNMAN): Why you---- you can't say that to me---- (HUBBUB)
TR: Lefty, let's get out of here---
JS: Hang on just one second. (SILENCE) Folks, I'm closing down this saloon. Thank you for your patronage. I just signed the papers to purchase it and in thirty days you're all welcome back when it re-opens as the Chrysalis Body Awareness and Aerobics Center.
TR: You turning this saloon into ---- an exercise center?
JS: Bend is the perfect place for a health club. That's what we're going to teach people to do: bend. ---- How many of you folks can touch your toes without bending your legs? Huh? Not many. Well, come back in a month.
GK: I'll be long gone in a month.
SS (BARMAID): Where you going?
GK: I've got no idea.
TR: We're cowboys.
SS (BARMAID): Why not settle here in Bend?
TR: What would we do?
JS: You could be retrained.
GK: I've got my doubts about that.
JS: You have issues, Lefty?
GK: Got nothing but issues, ma'am. But it's better than having no life at all.
TR: C'mon, pardner. Let's ride. (WHOOPS, HORSES GALLOP)
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by the AFL-CIO,
the Abject Friendless and Lonesome Cowboys & Indians Organization....the
fastest growing organization in America. Maybe you're a member and you
don't even know it. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2003