(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
We're in the high desert here, so (WATER SPRINKLER) you'll need to water your lawn to keep it green, and it can get cold at night so you'll need propane heaters to keep your vegetables from freezing (GAS BLOWER), or maybe you could water with hot water (WATER SPRINKLER),
We're out here in nature ---- rivers and waterfalls (SFX), and people in kayaks going down the river (KAYAK PADDLING) and over the waterfall (CRY OF TERROR, ROAR OF WATERFALL), and hikers in the woods (STRIDING) and joggers (JOGGING), enjoying the woods which are full of birds (MISC BIRDS), amphibians (FROGS), insects (MOSQUITO), spotted owls (OWLS), and human beings. (CHAINSAW) People cutting down trees or pushing them over with dozers (BULLDOZER), just because it's so much fun to watch them fall. (TREE FALLING, SPLINTERING). It is so much fun to watch a tree come down. Do that again. (CHAINSAW. TREE FALLING, SPLINTERING)
Anyway, the hikers are hiking through the woods (STRIDES) and the joggers are jogging (SFX) and they can hear down deep below the earth the tectonic plates are moving slightly (SFX) and the lava is building up pressure down there (SFX). Worrying about volcanic activity, they forget about the bears (GRUNTS), who are out there, waiting for us (SNIFFING), and the hikers forget (BEER CAN) and open a can of beer, and now you've got a grizzly coming after you ---- and (RUNNING) you head for a tall tree to climb it (PANTING, CLIMBING) and up you go but----
you left your chainsaw on the ground (UH OH) and bears are not dumb (BEAR
INTELLIGENCE) and he figures out how to pull that starter rope (CHAINSAW
STARTS, REVS, CUTTING) and you're fifty feet up in the air and praying
hard, and there's a spotted owl (OWL) up there with you and you get a
court injunction against that bear (LEGAL GIBBERISH) ----
and now the bear is walking toward you (BEAR TALK) and you back away and
he keeps coming (BEAR TALK) and then you notice the fish, a fish necklace
on the bear, he's a born-again bear (BEAR SINGING HYMN), he's got a Bible,
he's singing "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear" and now you notice
he is cross-eyed (BEAR SINGING), and you start to run and he comes after
you (RUNNING, BEAR, RUNNING, BEAR), boy, this guy is serious about evangelism,
and (TREE STARTING TO FALL) there's a tree falling, except it doesn't
make a sound (SILENCE) because nobody is there to hear it, you're here,
listening to the radio---
© Garrison Keillor 2003