(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
GK: When we decided to bring the show to L.A., we knew we were going to have to make a video, because ---- it's L.A. Little kids applying to a good kindergarten in L.A. submit videos----
FN (CHILD): Hi. I'm Adam and this is my story. (BIG PIANO CHORDS)
TR: ADAM WEINBERGER----.A BOY WITH A LEGACY.
GK: So we hired a director named Joanne and we had a meeting and she took one look at me and decided--..
SS: We're going to keep you in shadow. It's so important to preserve the mystery.
GK: I won't be in the video?
SS: We'll see.
GK: You could shoot through a filter----
SS: Actually we're going to shoot you through linoleum. And how about we put you with a dog. (BIG WOOFS, LARGE HAIRY DOG)
GK: There is no dog on the show, you know.
SS: And let's make it a kid show. (FN, TR, SS, CHILDREN SINGING: Welcome to The Prairie Home Companion Show in Hollywood (TO THE TUNE OF "DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN"). In Hollywood, in Hollywood, the show we love so well."
GK: That's not our theme song, but okay.
TR: What do you like best about "A Prairie Home Companion," Jacob?
FN (KID): I like the computer animation. (LASER GUNS, ROCKET BLAST OFF)
GK: That's not really our show, but I can see where you're going. We'll get Rod Serling to narrate.--..
TR: (AS SERLING) Do you remember radio? You probably didn't know it was there. One morning, in the shower, you discovered this thing in your ear. And there was music and a man talking and you thought, hey, so that's what that was. I thought I was insane. But I was listening to the radio.
SS: So how do you like it so far----- ?
GK: How much is this costing? (VOICES OFF) What are those men doing?
SS: That's the crew. They're rigging up the flash pots and the explosives. (CRANE) That's the camera crane. ---- Take it up! (CRANE, SHOUTS) (VOICE ON BULLHORN)
GK: Is that Arnold Schwartzenneger?
SS: We got him just for the day. (CRANE, BULLHORN) He's just coming out of make-up. Arnold! (FOOTSTEPS)
TR: (AS ARNOLD) Ya.
SS: Let me go over this once more---- Arnold, you fly in on the chopper-
TR: (AS ARNOLD) Ya.
SS: Dodge the shrapnel and mortar fire, leap off the chopper, go down the slide, firing as you go-
TR: (AS ARNOLD) Ya.
SS: Hit your mark at the bottom and deliver your line.
TR: (AS ARNOLD) That's good.
GK: Wait a second-
SS: Let's go! Background! (VOICES) Chopper up! (CHOPPER) Mortars loaded! Fire in the hole!
GK: What does this have to do with ----
SS: And-action! (CHOPPER LIFTING OFF, MORTARS, EXPLOSIVES.) Move it, troops! Go, go, go!! (CHOPPER) Dive, dive, dive! And Arnold-go! (SFX: VOLLEY OF GUNSHOTS)
TR: (AS ARNOLD) Hey. Welcome to The Prairie Home-----. (SFX: HUGE EXPLOSION AND AFTERSHOCKS. THEN SILENCE.)
SS: We'll fix that with a little voiceover.
GK: It was good, but it'd be even better if you did it on the radio----
SS: How could you do a video on the radio?
GK: Just like you did it, but you could add more stuff---- you could have horses galloping in--..(HORSES) and John Wayne---- (TR DUKE: Come on, men. All for one and one for all.) ----- you could have Kirk Douglas (TR KIRK: Come on, men. Let's head up that slope and show them what sort of stuff we're made of) ---- you could have a fighter plane coming in to land on an aircraft carrier and George W. Bush at the controls. (PLANE) (TR BUSH: There is a tide in the affairs of men which taken at the flood leads on to re-election.) And with radio, you can have fireworks. (ROCKETS) And elephants. (SFX) With the Stars & Stripes Forever sung by a chicken (SFX) or a boombox playing "Whiter Shade of Pale" (SFX) and the elephant walks over (SFX) and eats it. (SFX)
© Garrison Keillor 2003