(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
We're in Los Angeles, the city that gave us power yoga and the term "dressy casual". Where men over forty dress as they did in high school. T-shirt, blue jeans, white tennis shoes. Home of the subway-a beautiful six billion dollar transportation system used by hundreds of people but not all at one time. It's the city of 8 million screenplays and all of the bad dialogue that's been written in this town forms a brown layer of bad air that some people assume is air pollution. This is show business country and it's difficult to do a show in front of this audience because it's full of people who know too much ---- people thinking, "How about we cut the tall guy with the glasses and I'd focus on the sound effects guy."
It's a great city for sound effects. Lots of helicopters. (SFX) Every day. Police choppers, news choppers, covering the news, following Wynona Ryder, Madonna, Robert Blake, the Lacy Peterson case. (SIRENS) TV stations here love a car chase. They'll break into any program to show you a live car chase.
When traffic is congested, the chases can be rather slow, but that's okay. (FREEWAY) This is the home of the freeways: The I-Five, The Pasadena, The San Bernardino, The Pasadena, The Ventura, The One-Oh-One, The Santa Monica, The San Diego, The Santa Ana. You take the freeway to the beach (SURF) where you can feel the wind in your hair and take your calls (CELLPHONE) and watch the motorcyclists (SFX) and the girl in the Floss Bikini walking along with her boombox (SFX). Roller bladders. (SFX) Frisbee tossers. (SFX) Mr. Softee vendors (SFX). People walking dogs. (SFX) Cars go by with vanity plates and custom-made horns (GONE WITH THE WIND HORN). You can get your ears pierced (PLOIT) or any other part of your body, your tongue (SFX), your nose (SFX), your ankle (CRUNCH), your lungs (GASP).
Answer your phone. (CELLPHONE) There's the movie studio tour to go on. The earthquake ride (SFX) which sometimes you get in real life for free. The Jaws tour (BASS THROB). The house from Psycho. (SFX) The roller coaster (SFX). Disneyland is not far away. (SMALL WORLD THEME). Call coming in. (CELLPHONE) It's the babysitter. She's leaving. You better head home now. The kids are alone in the house. (PSYCHO THEME) The One Oh One is kind of tied up. (CHOPPER) Accident up ahead. (SIREN)
Looks like you won't get home for an hour. Hope the kids are okay. (JAWS THEME) You try calling home but (SORRY, THIS NUMBER IS NO LONGER IN SERVICE). And here you are, moving slowly, starting to panic, so you turn on the radio, and here we are. (ELEPHANT) Trying to amuse you.
© Garrison Keillor 2003