(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products presents....The Story of Bob, A Young Artist....starring Carson Wyler as Bob, and written by Sara Bellum.
(DISHES BEING CLEARED FROM THE TABLE)
SS: Finish up the rest of those cheesy potatoes, Bob---- I made them special just for you.
GK: I'm too nervous to eat, Berniece. I'm waiting for a phone call. From Washington.
SS: Oh?
GK: I entered a collage in a competition.
TR (POPS): You going to college?
GK: I said, collage.
TR: Kind of late to be getting an education at your age. You'd be the only kid in the cafeteria taking Metamucil. (BIG SCOOP OF VISCOUS FOOD AND PLOP ON PLATE) Climb up here, Rex, and dig in. (DOG PANTING, JINGLE OF COLLAR, FOOT TAPPING ON FLOOR)
GK: Would you please not let the dog eat off your plate?
TR: Mind your own beeswax.
SS: What sort of collage did you enter in the contest, Bob? (DOG EATING MORE, GULPING)
GK: It's a video collage. A 15-second collage for the National Gallery Video Biennale. There's a $10,000 prize.
SS: I didn't know you did video, Bob---- you've always done collage----
GK: It's a video collage, Berniece.
TR: I'll tell you something ---- you make a video decolletage, now that's something people will actually watch------
SS: Pops. Shame on you.
TR: You gotta give people what they want. How about you try painting pictures of dogs playing poker? Those are real popular. Let me tell you: It ain't art, if nobody ever looks at it. Ain't that right, Rex? (DOG PANTING, JINGLE OF COLLAR, THUMP OF HIND LEG)
GK: It's a very prestigious contest. The Video Biennale. It could make my career for years to come.
SS: And you have to buy a nail?
GK: That's the name of it. Biennale. It's like a biennial. But it's a French word. It's pronounced Biennale.
SS: Huh. Well, isn't that something.
GK: I'm going in my studio. If the phone rings, don't pick it up. Okay? I'll pick it up in the studio.
SS: You want us to let it ring?
GK: Yes. That's what I just said. I'll pick it up in the studio.
SS: You'll answer any call or just the one from Washington?
GK: Just let the phone ring, Berniece. Please. I don't want Washington to call and get Pops on the line. (BRIDGE)
SS: Bob? You've been in your studio for hours. Can I get you some cookies? A glass of nectar?
GK: I have worked so hard on this video collage, Berniece.
SS: Well, I know. You worked so hard that you forgot to put it in the envelope and mail it. I had to mail it myself.
GK: You what?
SS: Well, you left it sitting out on the kitchen table and the envelope was sitting there empty and-----
GK: You mailed off my entry?
SS: I was just trying to be helpful----
GK: Well, I hope you sent the right one. Was it this one here? This one on the computer?
(15 SECOND VIDEO SEQ. DOG BARK)
TR (BUSH): My fellow Americans.....
SS: SOPRANO NOTE
BOINGS
SWEDISH
HIGHWAY TRAFFIC PASSING.
PIGEONS.
BELCH
SS: That's very nice.
GK: Is that the one you sent?
SS: I guess so. Let me see it again.
(15 SECOND VIDEO SEQ. DOG BARK.
TR (BUSH): My fellow Americans.....
SS SOPRANO NOTE
BOINGS
TR: SWEDISH
HIGHWAY TRAFFIC PASSING.
PIGEONS
BELCH
GK: I don't know if it's any good or not. I've seen it too many times.
SS: I like it. It's so ---- interesting!
GK: I just feel as if it needs one more thing.
TR (CALLING OUT FROM THE OTHER ROOM): I'll tell you what it needs. Some dogs playing poker! With decolletage!
GK: Oh, hush.
(15 SECOND VIDEO SEQ DOG BARK.
TR (BUSH): My fellow Americans....
SS: SOPRANO NOTE
BOINGS
SWEDISH
HIGHWAY TRAFFIC PASSING.
PIGEONS.
SYNTH BASS NOTES, BENT)
GK: I don't know if I should've put those pigeons in or not.
SS: I liked the pigeons!
GK: (PHONE RING) ---- oh my gosh---- (PHONE PICKUP) Yes? This is Bob Boblett----
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Boblett, this is Mark in Washington.
GK: Right.
TR (ON PHONE): We got your entry in the Video Biennale --- (bee-an-AWL)
GK: The video----
TR (ON PHONE): Biennale.
GK: Oh. Right. The biennale. Good. So it got there. The 15-second video.
SS: It's pronounced Biennale, Bob. Biennale.
GK: Shut up, Berniece. I'm on the phone. Sorry--- sir----
TR (ON PHONE): I took a look at your video and --- it's brilliant.
GK: Thank you.
TR (ON PHONE): It has a tremendous sort of unconscious energy going on. It's really original----
GK: Unconscious?
TR (ON PHONE): I mean---- starting out with the old guy and the dog and the dog eating off his plate of spaghetti---- that's great---- but then that sudden move with the camera ---- it's almost like you dropped the camera or something----
GK: What?
TR (ON PHONE): And the camera sort of spins and then it stops and then you see this big moon-faced guy leaning down and reaching for it----
GK: The big moon-faced guy. Right.
SS: Who is it, Bob?
GK: Shhhhhh.
TR (ON PHONE): It's absolutely brilliant. I love it. There's just one problem.
GK: Oh?
TR (ON PHONE): It's too long.
GK: Oh.
TR (ON PHONE): So what I've done---- and I hope this is okay ---- I've cut out everything except the fifteen seconds when the moon-faced guy is bending down and reaching for the camera.
GK: I see.
TR (ON PHONE): It's a great sequence. The effect of gravity on his jowls. He looks like an old bloodhound. And I've entitled it "Portrait of the Artist". And I just want to make sure that that is you ---- and you are the artist, right?
GK: Right.
TR (ON PHONE): The moon-faced guy with the big eyebrows and the sort of misshapen mouth and no chin? And the great big jowls? And the sort of blank expression?
GK: Right.
TR (ON PHONE): Good. Well---- congratulations on your work, Mr. Boblett. I really like it a lot.
GK: Thanks.
TR (ON PHONE): I hope you can come to the opening night party.
GK: Great.
TR (ON PHONE): We'll definitely be showing your video. Should we send out invitations to your family and friends?
GK: No. No, I don't think so. But thanks. Bye. (HANG UP)
SS (BERNIECE): Who was that on the phone, Bob? Was it Washington?
GK: No, it was nothing.
SS (BERNIECE): Oh. I was hoping it was the National Gallery.
GK: No, it wasn't.
SS (BERNIECE): I just want to fly down there and see your video at the Biennale and take Pops and Rex. Is there some kind of a party for the opening?
GK: No, I don't think so.
SS (BERNIECE): Well, when do we get to go see it?
GK: You saw it, Berniece. On the computer.
SS (BERNIECE): But I want to see it at the museum. Want to see you win the prize, Bob.
GK: It's not about prizes for me, Berniece. That's not why I'm doing this. It's not for the recognition. It's ---- it's because I'm an artist.
SS (BERNIECE): Well, I know that.
GK: I'm an artist, Berniece.
SS (BERNIECE): Of course you are.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST....was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products.(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2003