(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye. (OUT)
GK: It was one of those perfect days in May, one of those ten or twelve days in a year when Minnesota looks good enough to be in the National Geographic. The rest of the time we're better suited to black and white. Mostly white. I tuned in WLT, the Friendly Neighbor station, for the weather and the forecast was for sunny skies and a warm positive attitude----
TR (ON RADIO): And a good good morning to all of you breakfast clubbers out there, this is The Ole Farmhand with a tip for today ---- May the wind always be at your back but not coming out of you personally ---- ha ha ha ha ha. And what do you say we send this next one out to Myrtle in Granite Falls celebrating a 112th birthday --- (SINGS) Good morning, good morning. We talked the whole night through so good morning, good morning, to you. (BRIDGE)
GK: It's been a pretty quiet spring in St. Paul and then last week a law went into effect that gives people the right to carry concealed weapons anywhere they want and if you don't want them to you have to put up a sign at the front door and tell them verbally. The Republicans passed the law faster than a Las Vegas wedding and people didn't notice until Wednesday it went into effect and suddenly my phone was ringing----- (RING. PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here.
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Naomi Feldman at the Minnesota Orchestra ---- we need to hire some people to stand in the lobby of Orchestra Hall and tell the patrons they can't bring pistols, rifles, or assault weapons into the concert ---- can you help?
GK: Ma'am, I think that as long as you don't program too much Wagner, it'll be okay.
SS (ON PHONE): You don't think that----
GK: I think that as long as the Maestro doesn't turn his back on the audience, probably he's going to be okay----
SS (ON PHONE): Okay. (HANG UP. RING. PICK UP)
GK: Yeah, Noir here.
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, it's Buddy over at the Minnesota Twins? Listen, this new concealed weapon law is giving us fits----- we've got to hire about 500 more ushers just to tell each patron individually that they can't bring guns to the game-----
GK: Listen. Buddy. I think that as long as long as the umpires
are aware which team is the home team, the danger of the fans shooting
guns at a game are low. And probably the opposing base runners would be
the main target, and a man running ---- that is a tough shot, especially
from the bleachers. I just wouldn't worry about it. Though I would lower
the concession prices a little and maybe have a three-quart limit on beer.
And turn down the lights on the field just a little bit. Make it harder
for a shooter to take aim.
TR (ON PHONE): Thanks, Mr. Noir. You've made me feel a lot better. (BRIDGE)
GK: People tend to overreact to these things. It's not such a big thing. I did however agree to attend Friday night mass at Holy Innocence Catholic Church.
(ORGAN)
b (IRISH): Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Ghost. And before I go any farther, I want to introduce Mr. Guy Noir, who is providing security. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Okay, people. Welcome to Holy Innocence, we're glad to see you, and if you are carrying a firearm, be aware that the ushers are armed with pepper spray. Father---
TR (IRISH): Thank you. Let us all sing hymn number 103, "Eternal Father, Quick To Shoot" ----- (ORGAN BRIDGE)
GK: And then a lady came in who was all upset. She said that WLT, the Friendly Neighbor station, had been sold to Clear Channel radio, the giant broadcast conglomerate----
SS (OLDER): I've been listening to Uncle Frank and Aunt Myrt and their "Good Morning Melodies" on WLT since I was a young 'un, Mr. Noir. And Miss Betty in her sunny kitchen with Recipe Time. And the livestock market report. And "The Tip Toppers Club".
GK: Well, time marches on, ma'am.
SS (OLDER): I love WLT. It's part of my life. These people are my friends.
GK: Well, friends get old and they go away, ma'am, you must have noticed that.
SS (OLDER): But Clear Channel is going to turn WLT into a heavy metal station ---
GK: It'll do wonders for your heart, ma'am. Get your blood pressure up.
SS (OLDER): But The Ole Farmhand is a real person who talks to you on the radio---
GK: We don't need that in radio, ma'am. We've got computers to do that now. Clear Channel has 1200 radio stations. You can't expect them to have live human beings at all of those radio stations----
SS (OLDER): In the old days, you could call in your requests on your birthday----
GK: Ma'am, they've got surveys now to tell them which songs people want to hear, they don't need you to tell them----
SS (OLDER): Turn on that radio there. I think they're changing over the format today.
GK: Oh? Well ---- let's see. (CLICK)
TR (ON RADIO): And now, this is the Ole Farmhand signing off for the last time, with this thought---- when everything's coming your way, you may be in the wrong lane ---- hey---- don't turn that microphone off---- let me say----- (CLICK. THEN HEAVY METAL GUITAR RIFF. AND UNDER)
SS (OLDER): How could they do it to us, Mr. Noir???
GK: Ma'am, the FCC is a deregulatory agency. It's there to set radio free from a lot of little tiresome rules and to give the public what they want which is automated radio programmed from Texas. (HEAVY METAL GUITAR BRIDGE AND UNDER) The concealed weapon law made for a different Minnesota than most of us had known. You sort of think of Minnesotans as a gentle people with a sense of humor, but suddenly you started to see people packing pistols, who never did before---
SS: Good evening. My name is Sydney, I'll be your server tonight, and before I tell you about the specials, let me tell you that I have a .357 Magnum under my apron and if you don't keep your hands on the table where I can see them, you're dead meat. Now---- our soup of the day is a cream of fennel...(FADING) our pasta today is a linguini with white sauce..
FN: Okay, Mr. Anderson, if you'll just drop your drawers and bend over, I'll check your prostate here. ---- What's that you've got, Mr. Anderson?
TR (KIRK): Just be careful what you do with your hands, Doc----
(BRIDGE)
GK: Later that day, I dropped in at the Five Spot. (DOOR OPEN,
JINGLE. CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey Guyf..how's everything.
GK: Oh, about the same, Jimmy. About the same.
TR (JIMMY): You tune in the radio this morning?
GK: I did.
TR (JIMMY): Too bad about WLT.
GK: Yeah.
TR (JIMMY): I grew up with that radio station.
GK: Yeah.
TR (JIMMY): Joyce Lamont. Jergen Nash. Let's Pretend. Remember?
GK: Yeah.
TR (JIMMY): Replaced by heavy metal.
GK: Well, we're at war against terrorism, Jimmy. Heavy metal is a weapon in the arsenal of freedom.
TR (JIMMY): And then my mom came over last night --- she's 88 years old ----
GK: How's she doing?
TR (JIMMY): Doing fine. She's carrying a .45 automatic in a holster on her walker.
GK: Huh.
TR (JIMMY): My mom. In a little nighty that says, "Go ahead. Make my day."
GK: Well, moms like people to pay attention to them. And when the mom is holding a loaded handgun, kids pay attention. Simple as that.
TR (JIMMY): So you're not worried about this law?
GK: Hey, it's a big country, Jimmy. There's room for all kinds --- Hey, turn up your radio, Jimmy----
TR (JIMMY): What?
GK: Turn it up. (ELECTRIC GUITAR FIGURE, REPEATS. RECORD SKIPPING) Sounds like the record is skipping at Clear Channel Radio.
TR (JIMMY): That's the problem with automation----
GK: Well, they'll probably figure it out. (GUITAR FIGURE FADES) (BRIDGE) I didn't think anymore of it until the next day when I heard horns honking out on the street (HORNS, MEN SHOUTING) ---- there was a riot down there ----- gunfire (SHOOTING) and the cops were there (SIRENS), it was like Beirut, there was road rage (MORE SHOUTING, GUNS) and disgruntled postal workers and a lot of metalheads rioting in the streets ---- and I turned on the radio to find out what was happening (SAME GUITAR FIGURE, REPEATING) and I figured maybe that's what was driving people berserk, so---- I drove out to the radio station and I got in and I found the computer that was jammed and (GUNSHOTS, SHORT CIRCUIT. GUITAR FIGURE SLOWS AND DRAGS DOWN INTO BASS) ---- I took care of it. And I went back downtown and -----
SS & TR & FN: SERIES OF GREETINGS OF PASSERSBY. HI, HOW ARE YOU, GOOD EVENING, NICE EVENING TONIGHT. ----
GK: Peace was restored. Went over to the Five Spot. There was a tall stranger sitting there.
TR (JIMMY STEWART): That was sure some good shooting, mister. Doggone it, sometimes a guy has to just go out there and fix the problem. I never cared for heavy metal. It always sounds like the vacuum cleaner and the skill saw and the metal lathe are all turned on except no work is getting done.
GK: Well, at least we got rid of that new firearm law.
TR (JIMMY STEWART): Oh, really?
GK: It was challenged in court, and they're going to require that all handguns have instructions in Braille and voice activation for the visually impaired.
TR (JIMMY STEWART): Bartender, would you mind bringing me a plain old ordinary sarsaparilla?
GK: Same for me. A sarsaparilla. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but up on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questionsffGuy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2003