(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE PIANO)
GK: It's graduation time, a time when we kick our children out into the world. And though we try to soften it by making grand speeches----
TR (WITH P.A. REVERB) : As I gaze out on this sea of upturned faces-----I see the young people who will carry the torch and light a candle and dare to make a difference----
GK: But what we're really saying is---
TR: Here's ten bucks. Buy yourself a torch. Beat it, kid.
FN (KID): What???? What do you mean, daddy?
TR: Get out of here. Pack your bags, kid. Hit the road. (DISTANT TRAIN WHISTLE) There's the 5 o'clock freight. Hop on it. Write when you find work.
FN (KID): Mom----?
SS (DEEP): You heard your father. Get out of here. We're sick of you and your moodiness and your loafing around. You're no good. Get out. We've already rented your room.
TR: Your mother and I had a great life until you came along. We had money, we had time----
SS (DEEP): I'm 34 years old and I look like I'm 74, thanks to you rotten wretched kids----- so beat it.
GK: That's what graduation is all about, down deep. It means goodbye and good riddance. And as you sit there listening to the commencement speech----
TR (REVERB): Dare to make a difference. Dare to march to a different drummer. Dare to get an entry-level job doing meaningless work for low wages.
SS: But ---- I was an honors graduate!
GK: Thanks to grade inflation and the Americans With No Abilities Act, you've graduated with honors even though you're functionally illiterate.
SS: I'm so confused.
GK: Of course you are. And you'll be even more confused Monday morning when you start work as a trainee at the Federated Association of Organizations. (ELEVATOR) And you squeeze into the crowded elevator for the trip up to the 45th floor. (SFX)
SS: Excuse me. Sorry---
GK: And a couple more people get on (SFX, COMPRESSION)--- and then more (SFX) and three more. (SFX) And when you arrive at work, you're only four feet tall----
SS: (PINCHED) Hi. It's me. Laura.
GK: And they stick you in a cubicle at a computer (COMPUTER KEYS CLICKING. BEEP. FN: YOU'VE GOT SPAM!) And your job is to make coffee. (COFFEEMAKER) And to go get the boss a candy bar from the vending machine. (SFX) And to laugh at his old jokes.
TR (BOSS): So what do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!
SS (WEAKLY): Heh heh.
GK: Nothing works around here. The printer is eating paper. (SFX) You're trying to run the copier (COPIER) and you accidentally drop a paper clip in (SFX) and the guy comes from IT (GRUNTING) and suddenly the lights go out (SFX) and the fire alarm goes off (SFX). And every day is worse than the day before. You sit there doing meaningless work.
SS: One two three. (STAMP) One two three (STAMP). One two three (STAMP). One two three. (STAMP) Three two one (STAMP). Two three one (STAMP). Three three one. (STAMP) ----- (SS SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH. PAINED WHIMPER) Oh my gosh. A paper cut.
GK: A deadly paper cut.
SS: Help.
GK: It's five oh one. Everybody's left for the day. You're alone. Weak from loss of blood. And when you dial 911-----
TR (RECORDED VOICE): Due to spending cutbacks, 911 is experiencing delays of up to twenty-five minutes. For immediate assistance, go to our website, 911.com, for useful information on how to deal with armed assault, how to stem bleeding, how to deliver a child----
SS: SOBBING QUIETLY (BRIDGE)
GK: Don't get a job. You can do that when you're my age. When you're young, you ought to travel. See the world. Have interesting experiences. Nothing gets your parents' attention quite like receiving a postcard from you in Jakarta with no return address.
SS: Hi. I'm traveling around Indonesia supporting myself by herding goats and doing therapeutic massage. I met a taxi driver named Tamil. He doesn't speak English but he's so nice to me! I think I'm falling in love. (MUSIC)
GK: Go to Italy (TR ITALIAN) and France (TR FRENCH) and Russia (TR RUSSIAN).
SS: Hi. It's me. I'm in Vladivostok. Long story how I got here. Anyway I met this engineer named Sergei and he's into astrology and according to the planets, he and I are supposed to spend a month together. He doesn't speak English but he's so incredibly nice. And very romantic. Well, enough about me. How's everybody at home?
GK: Send cryptic postcards and tell them where they can wire money and make sure you visit the Middle East. (TR ARAB)
SS: Hi. Guess where I am? Riyadh. Met a Saudi who wants me to teach him English. He is the nicest guy. And so romantic. By the way, does your health insurance cover me overseas and are there maternity benefits? Just curious.
GK: And if they won't send you money any more, go to Sweden. (TR SWEDISH)
SS: Sweden?
GK: Sweden. It's a nice place. And unemployment benefits are generous.
(SWEDISH) And there's health care. It's a welfare state. Like what your
parents gave you. And eventually the Swedes will get tired of you. (SWEDISH)
----
Get out of here. (SWEDISH) Pack your bags. (SWEDISH) Hit the road. (SWEDISH)
We're sick of you and your moods and your loafing around. (SWEDISH) You're
no good. Get out.
But that won't be for a few years. So go. Don't stay here.
SS (YOUNG): I donno. I was sort of thinking I'd live at home and work for a year and see how it goes.
GK: You're crazy.
SS (YOUNG): I donno what I want to do, so I'll just stay home and save money and try to make up my mind whether to go to college or not.
GK: You do that, kid, and in six months you'll be pregnant and living in your boyfriend's parents' basement.
SS (YOUNG): I might major in education or I might go into cosmetology, I'm not sure, so I'll just work for a year and see--
GK: Go. You can always come back. But if you don't leave now, you never will. (DISTANT TRAIN WHISTLE) You're going to catch that train, kid.
SS (YOUNG): Where's it going?
GK: It doesn't matter.
SS (YOUNG): I can't catch it, it's going too fast.
GK: Sure you can. Get into this----
SS (YOUNG): What is this?
GK: It's a catapult----- (CLANK) (MEN'S VOICES) (RATCHETING, ROPE STRETCHING)
SS (YOUNG): Ouch. Don't. What are you doing? (FURTHER PROTESTS)
GK: Just winding up the rope so it's nice and tight and then off you go----
SS (YOUNG): What's this?
GK: It's a torch. Carry the torch. (FLAME) You ready? Cut it loose! (CATAPULT RELEASE. SS SHARP CRY AND FAST HIGH FLIGHT. DISTANT TRAIN WHISTLE.) Good. She made it. (MUSICAL PLAYOFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2003