(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
GK: ----after this message from Bud's coffee.
(ESPRESSO MACHINE)
GK: I'd like coffee.
TR: Espresso?
GK: No, just coffee.
TR: Coffee of the day?
GK: Okay.
TR: We have Columbian Supremo, French Savant, and the Rawalpindi Rain Forest Blend.
GK: Any of those is fine.
TR: How about the Rain Forest Blend?
GK: Fine.
TR: Regular, grande' or venti.
GK: The biggest one.
TR: That'd be the venti.
GK: Fine.
TR: You want venti?
GK: Whatever you call it. The big one.
TR: They're all big. Grande is big, too.
GK: I want the biggest.
TR: The venti?
GK: Sure.
TR: The Venti.
GK: Yes.
TR: Why can't you say it?
GK: Just give me one.
TR: I need you to say it.
GK: I don't want to say it.
TR: Then I can't bring you one if you won't say it.
GK: Fine. I'll have two regulars then.
TR: Okay. Two regulars coming up. (COFFEE GRINDER)
GK: I'd like milk with that too. (ESPRESSO ROUTINE WITH BIG GASPS AND BURSTS OF STEAM)
TR: Cafe au lait?
GK: No, just milk.
TR: Or cappuccino?
GK: Just with milk.
TR: Whipped cream on top?
GK: No.
TR: Chocolate?
GK: No.
TR: Flavoring?
GK: No.
TR: We've got anis, butter brickle, chocolate, Dutch chocolate, eglantine, French vanilla, gorgonzola, hazelnut, iodine----
GK: Iodine?
TR: Iodine. Juniper. Kumquat. Licorice. Maple, Nutmeg. Orange. Pumpkin. Quince. rhubarb, Saffron, Toffee. vanilla. walnut. Xtra-walnut, yellow walnut, and zucchini.
GK: No, thanks.
TR: Don't care for any?
GK: No, thanks.
TR: Caf or decaf?
GK: Caf.
TR: Extra caf?
GK: No.
TR: Whole, skim, or 2 percent?
GK: Whole milk.
TR: Paper or plastic?
GK: Paper.
TR: Plain or colored.
GK: I don't care.
TR: Sugar?
GK: No.
TR: Here or to go?
GK: To go.
TR: You know if you ordered venti, you'd pay about half as much as ordering two regulars.
GK: I'll have the regulars.
TR: Just say venti.
GK: I'll have the regulars.
TR: You don't have to say it loud.
GK: Never mind.
TR: You can whisper it.
GK: Regulars.
TR: Think of a combination of five letters or numerals for a PIN number.
GK: A PIN number? For coffee??
TR: How about venti?
GK: You know, there's just too much involved in getting a good cup of coffee. I think I'll just go to Bud's. (BUD'S COFFEESHOP THEME)
SS: Hey. How's it going?
GK: Not so bad. You?
SS: Can't complain. What can I get you?
GK: Cuppa coffee.
SS: Coming right up. (POURING) There you go. Made it fresh this morning.
GK: Where's Bud?
SS: Dead.
GK: Oh. Long ago?
SS: No.
GK: Oh. Suddenly?
SS: Yeah.
GK: Too bad.
SS: Yeah, you could say that.
GK: Bud's Coffee Shop. You know what you get. Coffee.
SS: You hear the one about the two penguins on the ice floe?
GK: Bud's Coffee. Seventy-five cents. All day for a buck and a half. Ask about our weekly rates. (MUSIC BUTTON)
© Garrison Keillor 2003