(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
TISHOMINGO
GK: We're in Atlanta, Georgia, a city of friendly people. (SALES GIRL: Hi. Kin I hep you?) The land of the banjo. (MOUTH BANJO) and the land of coon dogs (DOGS) And serious eaters. (BURP, THEN SECOND BURP) eating fried fish (FRYING) , fish caught by serious fishermen. (FN: I'm using a vibrating lure. Hear it? It's made from a banjo string (MOUTH BANJO) Fish love it. BANJO) Georgia is the home of serious stock car racing (RACECARS PASSING) ---- (FN: LOOK OUT, THERE IS A BANJO ON THE RACE TRACK) RACECAR BRAKES IN SKID, COLLISION WITH BANJO, FOUR MORE RACECARS RUN OVER IT).
I'm going down to Georgia where it's summertime (CRICKETS)
We're sitting on the porch swing, drinking rhubarb wine (PORCH SWING CREAKING.
BELCH)
Down in the canebrake, comes the sound of old coondogs (DOGS)
And from the swamp, the bomp-de-bomp of the Georgia jumping frogs. (FROGS)
Hey Mr. Snipes. Good to see you.
FN: Good to see you. How all y'all doing?
GK: Just fine.
FN: That's good. You want to know my philosophy of life? Life is a Great, Big Walmart. Some people got on better clothes but that don't matter. Everybody's got the same size shopping cart. And ever time you do something good, you get yourself some coupons. And ever time you do something bad it goes in your shopping cart. A lie or if you be selfish and mean, it's gonna cost you by the pound. And if you love your wife and treat her right and don't lie to her, you get a 10 dollar coupon. And if you raise your children and love them and tell them what you know, you get a gift certificate for, like, twenty-five dollars. And then on The Judgment Day you go through The Big Check-Out line.
And GOD is the Check-Out Lady and she sees everything in your cart. And if you can't pay for everything with your coupons, then God throws yo' ass in a hot car in the parking lot and you sit there and wait forever. And there ain't no radio. But if you got enough coupons to pay for everything, then you get to go up to the Bingo Parlor upstairs. And you can eat all you want and play Bingo and cards and your Mama and Daddy are there. Okay? Life ain't all that complicated, if you ask me.
COLUMBUS STOCKADE
TISHOMINGO
GK: We're in Atlanta, Georgia, a city of friendly people. (SALES GIRL: Hi. Kin I hep you?) The land of the banjo. (MOUTH BANJO) and the land of coon dogs (DOGS) And serious eaters. (BURP, THEN SECOND BURP) eating fried fish (FRYING) , fish caught by serious fishermen. (FN: I'm using a vibrating lure. Hear it? It's made from a banjo string (MOUTH BANJO) Fish love it. BANJO) Georgia is the home of serious stock car racing (RACECARS PASSING) ---- (FN: LOOK OUT, THERE IS A BANJO ON THE RACE TRACK) RACECAR BRAKES IN SKID, COLLISION WITH BANJO, FOUR MORE RACECARS RUN OVER IT).
I'm going down to Georgia where it's summertime (CRICKETS)
We're sitting on the porch swing, drinking rhubarb wine (PORCH SWING CREAKING.
BELCH)
Down in the canebrake, comes the sound of old coondogs (DOGS)
And from the swamp, the bomp-de-bomp of the Georgia jumping frogs. (FROGS)
Hey Mr. Snipes. Good to see you.
FN: Good to see you. How all y'all doing?
GK: Just fine.
FN: That's good. You want to know my philosophy of life? Life is a Great, Big Walmart. Some people got on better clothes but that don't matter. Everybody's got the same size shopping cart. And ever time you do something good, you get yourself some coupons. And ever time you do something bad it goes in your shopping cart. A lie or if you be selfish and mean, it's gonna cost you by the pound. And if you love your wife and treat her right and don't lie to her, you get a 10 dollar coupon. And if you raise your children and love them and tell them what you know, you get a gift certificate for, like, twenty-five dollars. And then on The Judgment Day you go through The Big Check-Out line.
And GOD is the Check-Out Lady and she sees everything in your cart. And if you can't pay for everything with your coupons, then God throws yo' ass in a hot car in the parking lot and you sit there and wait forever. And there ain't no radio. But if you got enough coupons to pay for everything, then you get to go up to the Bingo Parlor upstairs. And you can eat all you want and play Bingo and cards and your Mama and Daddy are there. Okay? Life ain't all that complicated, if you ask me.
COLUMBUS STOCKADE
© Garrison Keillor 2003