(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman; RB: Roy Blount, Jr.)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still
trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy
Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was May and spring had finally come to the frozen tundra and I was thinking of going fishing when I got this phone call from Atlanta. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) ---- Yeah, Noir here.
SS: (SULTRY, SOUTHERN) Hi. This is Heather. Could you do a job for me? A thousand dollars a day. Plus a performance bonus. If you're really good. (HEART POUNDING) Which I've heard that you are.
GK: Sure.
SS (SULTRY): Could you come to Atlanta? It would be good if you could.
GK: I think I could.
SS (SULTRY): That's not too much to ask?
GK: Not at all. I think anytime right up to when they put me in the nursing home and insert the tubes in my nose, I could fly down to Atlanta and meet you.
SS (SULTRY): Good. Do you know Atlanta?
GK: No, but I'm hoping to.
SS (SULTRY): Take a cab downtown to Peachpit Avenue and look for Crabtree Street.
GK: You mean Peachtree Street?
SS (SULTRY): No, Peachpit Avenue. Take that to Prune Street and
take a right on Kumquat and we're there on the corner of Boo Hoo Avenue
and Kumquat. Look for the sign. Clear Channel Communications.
GK: Clear Channel, huh?
SS (SULTRY): That's right, hon.
GK: You're the company that owns twelve-hundred radio stations,
right? A hundred and ten million listeners.
SS (SULTRY): That's right, darling.
GK: And you're all automated, so you run those 1200 stations with
just a couple hundred employees, right?
SS (SULTRY): Hey, you are smart.
GK: You're the company that kicked the Dixie Chicks off the radio,
right? After one of the Chicks said something disparaging about the President?
SS (SULTRY): They broke the rules, darling. Simple as that. You
don't do what they did and get away with it. You coming down to Atlanta
or not? (BRIDGE)
GK: So I got to Atlanta and (TRAFFIC PASSING) right away I got
lost and (FOOTSTEPS) headed down a street past the trailer park and everybody
was inside watching Fox News ---- (FOOTSTEPS.
TR AUDIO VOICE IN PASSING: ----now for the weather, the sun will
rise on the right and set on the left today ----). I stopped to have a
look. The newscaster wore a football helmet and he was brandishing a pistol.
(TR TV AUDIO: I have taken about as much as I can take from these liberals!
I have had it up to here!) (BRIDGE) Everywhere I went in town, people
were tuned in to Fox News.
SS (OLD LADY): Well, it's lively, don't you know. And you need
people to keep after them French communists in the State Department.
GK: Ma'am, there's a Republican in the White House today---
SS (OLD LADY): Gotta root out those French people in the State
Department.
GK: French?
SS (OLD LADY): They got French people embedded in the State Department----
GK: Where'd you hear that?
SS (OLD LADY): It was on the news. (BRIDGE)
GK: And I walked down the street a little ways (TRAFFIC) and there
on the corner was a man with a sign in front of him: FORMER BROADCASTER
WILL READ NEWS OR SHINE SHOES FOR FOOD. Sir---You shine shoes?
RB: I do. You want your shoes shined?
GK: If you don't mind----
RB: Have a seat. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I sat down and he went to work with a brush and a rag (SHOE-SHINING,
RB WHISTLING, FANCY RAG WORK) and he got a nice shine to them----(RAG
RHYTHM, FANCY FINISH) ---Thanks. I appreciate that. What happened that
you got fired from your newscasting job?
RB: Well, I was reporting the news but they wanted more attitude.
More edginess. Wanted me to yell and shake my fist and light into the
liberals like they do on Fox, and that was when I decided maybe I'd like
to spend more time with my family.
GK: Your family here in Atlanta?
RB: No, they're up north in Maine. Little town by the name of Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
GK: Pisca-what?
RB: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin. Nice little town.
GK: So if you want to spend more time with them, why not go to Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin?
RB: I don't want my family to see me having to shine shoes for a living.
GK: So what made you move up to
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin?
RB: I was trying to get rid of my southern accent. I was a country music DJ. And then Clear Channel bought the radio station and they fired me because I sound like I'm from Georgia.
GK: You do.
RB: They wanted something more neutral.
GK: But country music comes from the south.
RB: Well, they don't know that, so they fired me.
GK: I'm supposed to see a woman from Clear Channel today.
RB: Heather?
GK: Right.
RB: The woman who fired me. Beautiful woman. (BRIDGE)
GK: And she was. I walked into the Clear Channel office on Boo Hoo Avenue and ----
SS (SULTRY): Hi. You care for a cold Coca-Cola?
GK: I think I maybe better have one of those----
SS (SULTRY): You want extra ice in that?
GK: I think more ice would be nice----
SS (SULTRY): How about I wet my hanky in this cold Coca-Cola and sort of mop your brow---- that feel good?
GK: That feels wonderful. I find your whole organization reprehensible and yet I'm almost dizzy with pleasure.
SS (SULTRY): That's good. Now let me tell you what you're going to do for me. We got an FCC hearing coming up in Washington on June 2nd and we want you to take care of some people who might be testifying----.
GK: What's the hearing about?
SS: It's nothing. Little old hearing. Anyway, they're fixing to testify against us and we'd like you to take care of it----
GK: Testify against what?
SS: Testify against a ruling that the FCC is going to make that will make it easier for folks to exercise their constitutional right to own as many radio stations as they want to own. I'd like you to go talk some sense into those people. How does that nice cold hanky feel on your forehead, Mr. Noir?
GK: It feels wonderful, I'm ashamed to say.
SS: You don't mind me leaning up against you this way, do you?
GK: Not at all.
SS: You don't mind me brushing up against you, do you?
GK: My pleasure.
SS: I'm not crowding in too close?
GK: Not at all. (BRIDGE) An hour later, I was sitting in Jimmy Joe's tavern, feeling deeply ashamed of myself-----
TR: You care for another sarsaparilla, mister?
GK: Sure. Why not? I've fallen this far, why not fall all the way. These sharks at Clear Channel got me in their pocket. These people aren't broadcasters, they're just preachers.
TR: Hey. Welcome to the South. It's an art form.
GK: I remember radio when it was fun. Full of odd characters. There wasn't such a company line. Now---- it's all corporate.
RB: Hey everybody.
GK: Hey there. Mr. Shoeshine.
TR: Howdy, Roy.
RB: Gimme a cold beer, Jimmy Joe.
GK: I don't know what's going to become of radio, mister. With people like Clear Channel taking over.
RB: I used to worry about that ---- and then today I decided to become a Republican.
GK: You became a Republican?
RB: I'm trying it out for awhile.
GK: You're unemployed, you're shining shoes, you want to be a Republican?
RB: I'm just trying it out. See how it feels.
GK: Okay. If you're a Republican, then I'm Tarzan.
(ORANGUTANGS SCREECHING. JUNGLE BIRDS)
RB: Nice breechcloth.
GK: Thanks.
SS: Hi. What you boys up to?
RB: Even nicer breechcloth---- and wow--- what a necklace----
SS: How about one of you boys go catch me a wildebeest? I'm sort of hungry-----
RB: I've got me a spear and a bolo and a blowgun with poisoned darts ---- now this is what I call fun. This is radio like it used to be. (MORE APES. BIRDS)
GK: Race you to the waterhole.
TR: TARZAN CRY
GK: TARZAN CRY
RB: TARZAN CRY
GK: You know, I think we could get work at Fox news----
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still
trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy
Noir, Private Eye.
© Garrison Keillor 2003