(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
GK:--brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board. (MUSIC)
SS: These are the good years for Jim and me. Our son is in a program where they treat testosterone poisoning with herbal tea and he seems to be doing well. Our daughter has finally gotten her Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in spatter painting and beadwork, so---- we should have been happy. And then last week I found Jim with his head in the refrigerator. ---- What are you doing, honey?
TR: Barb, there are ruthless forces at work in our refrigerator ---- chemical and biological entities --- and I'm adopting a new pre-emptive strategy toward micro-organisms. Bacteria. Bacilli. Call it what you will. I've been as patient as I could be and now is the time to take action.
SS: Do you see any signs of bacteria? Is something moving in there?
TR: Barb, the absence of proof is not proof of absence. To wait until we see evidence is to run a risk I am not willing to run.
SS: Are you talking about the blue cheese, Jim?
TR: I'm not free to disclose exactly what I'm talking about, I just want you to know that starting today, I am taking over the refrigerator. And at a time of my choosing, I'm going to spray it with two gallons of windshield washer fluid.
SS: Jim, that's crazy. You're going to ruin the cheese.
TR: There will be some collateral damage in the cheese and meat tray, yes. I don't deny that. And now I'm going to take just two more questions----
SS: Jim, I think you've been watching too much CNN.
TR: I am not going to stand by and watch this household destroyed by salmonella. Barb, there are the known unknowns, the things we know we don't know, and the known knowns, such as that the world will always welcome lovers as time goes by. And this is one of the unknown unknowns, things we don't know we don't know.
SS: And then there are the unknown knowns, or things we know but we've forgotten. Honey, put down the windshield washer. You know what your problem is? You're not getting enough catchup.
TR: You sure the catchup is okay?
SS: The catchup is fine. And catchup contains natural mellowing agents that live sensibly and steer a steady course and not throw the baby out with the bath. What do you say I make you a little catchup sandwich?
TR: Okay.
RD (SINGS): These are the good times, springtime in St.
Peter.
Time to go hear music and ballet and theater.
And pick up some catchup --- a gallon or liter.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD (SINGS): Ketchup--..Ketchup--..
GK: A message from the Ketchup Advisory Board.
© Garrison Keillor 2003