(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
GK:...We're at Gustavus Adolphus college which has a very low percentage of body piercing among the student body. Some of the faculty have pacemakers but that's different. To be cool today, you gotta have metal. So today at Ron's Body Shop in St. Peter, there's 30 percent off on ear piercings (SFX NAIL GUN), tongue studs (SFX NAIL GUN), nose rings (SFX DRILL), toe rings (NAIL GUN), and belly button rings (SFX TWISTING BALLOON AND DING). And the latest: lip bolts (DRILL) Think of how quiet and thoughtful your parents will get when you show up for Easter with big shiny things all over your face.
Body piercing is for some of you what nuclear weapons are for North Korea: a way to be taken seriously and a basis for further negotiations. Some of you guys --- a really big earring with a stone, and a lip ring --- this could be your ticket to an all-expense paid summer in Europe. Parents pay through the nose for the removal of facial implants especially around Easter. How about a big ring in your eyelid? (NAIL GUN) How about a lag bolt sticking out of your neck? (RATCHET) We're talking leverage here. How about a large wooden disc in your lower lip? (SCISSORS SNIP) Are body piercings safe? Yes. We use Thermasafe body piercings. If the metal gets too hot, it pops up like a meat thermometer (POP). Body piercings: it's the coolest way to be cool. And it's the way to get taken seriously by you know who.
TR: Jennifer? I think maybe you and I haven't spent as much time together in the past year or two, and I'd like to change that, and I thought maybe we could sit down for a couple hours and --- you know ---- just say what's on our minds. Like adults. Just you and me. (HE BREAKS DOWN) Oh my God. How could you do this to me? It's Palm Sunday.
GK: One little nose plug and suddenly you're in the driver's seat, kid. This is the advantage of coming from an extremely respectable family: it doesn't take much to get their attention. Ron's Body Shop. Thirty percent off on earrings (NAIL GUN), tongue studs (NAIL GUN, WITH MEAT) nose rings (DRILL), and belly button rings. (TWISTING BALLOON AND DING)
© Garrison Keillor 2003