(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
GK: We get letters all the time saying, "I tuned in to your show expecting entertainment that is intelligent and sophisticated and instead it was the sort of juvenile toilet humor that one would expect from a 10-year-old" and we've passed the letters on to our sound effects man (PRIMATE) and we've asked him to get away from bodily functions (BELCH) and no more toilet humor (FLUSHING TOILET), so that's the end of that.
We're in Bayfront Park in Miami: the water is about a hundred yards away and the long pier where cruise ships depart. You can hear them (FORK LIFT, BACKING) loading the maraschino cherries over there. (VOICE, RAISING FORK LIFT) The Port of Miami is the busiest cruise ship port in the world, with 3.6 million passengers a year. (BOAT HORN) There's one leaving now. There are enormous cruise ships such as the SS Colossus (BIG BOAT HORN) which carries 5000 passengers and a crew of 14 ---- it's a no frills type of cruise ----- vending machines and sleeping bags ---- and there are the luxury ships such as the SS Babylon with 40 passengers and a crew of 386 (ELEGANT HORN, PLAYS MOTIF OF BEETHOVEN 5th SYMPHONY).
Of course on cruise ships sometimes storms come up and bodily functions become important (NAUSEA) and a person needs a toilet fast and it's no joke (NAUSEA, RUNNING, DOOR SLAM). But the weather is calm this time of year in the Caribbean, and the folks can look forward to a pleasant week at sea, no matter what type of cruise they've selected. There are theme cruises, such as the jazz cruise on the SS Charlie Mingus (JAZZ BOAT HORN), and cruises devoted to occupations ----- the dentists' cruise (HORN, SUCTION), anesthesiologists' cruise (HORN, PETERS OUT), cardiologists (HORN, BEEPS), and car mechanics (HORN, AIR WRENCH).
There's lots of different recreational activities on board: bowling on some ships (BOWLING), and skeet shooting on the NRA cruise, the SS Heston (TARGET RELEASE, GUNSHOTS) and a driving range in the stern (SWING, CONK, FLIGHT OF BALL, SPLASH, CRY OF SEAGULL). There are celebrity cruises in which the passengers get to vote which celebrity will be thrown off the ship to the waiting sharks below (MAN CRY, FALLING, SPLASH, WATER IN FROTH). There's the Scottish cruise ship the Hibernian Princess (BAGPIPE SHIP'S HORN) with a crew of 2 plus 1000 sheep (SHEEP). And there's the Baptist Bible Cruises, with menagerie aboard ---- couple of elephants (SFX), couple of walruses (SFX), two hyenas (SFX), two calling birds (HEY, YOU WITH THE FEATHERS), three French hens (SFX), four turtle doves (SFX), and so forth.
It all takes place here on the Miami Bayfront, where our show originates today. And if you need toilets, they're right back there. (TOILET FLUSH)
© Garrison Keillor 2003