(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
GK: ...brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. I sold my old Jackie Gleason Plays The Music of Crosby Stills & Nash LPs on e-Bay for $200,000 so we came to Florida and rented a big beach house and --- you know what they say ---that wealth is not measured in monetary terms, but in friendships --- well, when you're loaded, it sure is easier to make friends. We put on a couple of parties with a big band and a whole lot of illegal drugs and people were nice to us for days afterward. And then late one night ----- Barb seemed depressed ---- honey, why are you going around the house in your pajamas?
SS: It's my bikini, Jim.
TR: It's all wrinkled.
SS: That's me, Jim. The wrinkled part is me.
TR: Oh, I'm sorry.
SS: Money can buy friends, and it can buy happiness, but it can't buy self-esteem, Jim. I've discovered that to my everlasting regret.
TR: But you look just fine?
SS: I appreciate being lied to ---- I truly do ---- but the collagen injections were a big mistake. They make me look like I was assaulted by wasps. And the facelift that put my left ear up above where I part my hair ----- it's just plain not working. And after watching you flirt shamelessly with women who are not age appropriate, I'm terrified that you'll throw me over and find someone younger and more attractivef
TR: Like who?
SS: Oh, I'm sure you could find someone.
TR: Got any ideas?
SS: From now on, Jim, I'm serving ketchup at every meal. Only ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help to level out the aging male libido.
TR: I didn't know that.
(MUSIC)
RD: Florida sunset, in the palm tree grove,
The colors of plaid pants, yellow, orange and mauve,
Red clouds at evening, like ketchup on meat loaf.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup....ketchup....
© Garrison Keillor 2003