(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
GK: --..coming to Phoenix, a person from Minnesota is naturally apprehensive about the ever-present danger of poisonous snakes (RATTLE, GASP OF BYSTANDER)
TR (KIRK, SLOWLY, QUIETLY): Stand still and don't breathe and don't drip any sweat. He's wrapped around your right leg and I'm going to aim my shotgun right behind the snake's left ear and I'm going to blow his head off. Steady now. Easy. (GUN BLAST) There. You okay?
GK: Sure. I'm fine. Snakes are a worry to us, but a bigger worry is freeway traffic (SEMI PASSES, FAST, WITH DOPPLER HORN) and the danger of dehydration and being trapped with strangers in a deserted mineshaft----
(REVERB)
(DRIPPING)
SS: Just our luck to fall into a deserted mineshaft. Well, we have one small bottle of Perrier. Seeing as the temperature is 115 degrees, I'd say that should take care of the three of us for about the next 90 seconds. (GUNSHOT) Make that 120 seconds. Didn't know I had a gun, did you---- (BREATHING) Where are you? ---- I can hear you breathing.
GK: A lot of abandoned mineshafts in Arizona and Phoenix developed so rapidly they didn't bother to fill in the mineshafts, they just covered them with plywood and carpeting so that when you're in a supermarket and looking at the condiments, suddenly---- (CRACKING, WOOD BREAKAGE, TR & SS CRIES, FALLING)
(SILENCE) (REVERB)
SS: Honey?
TR: I'm here.
SS: You all right?
TR: Yes. Except for this broken leg----
SS: Got any water----
TR: Got a bottle of pimentos.
SS: Oh dear. That won't last long.
TR: There's something wrapped around my leg.
SS: A tourniquet?
TR: It's moving.
SS: A deadly snake, I reckon.
TR: You know if they like pimentos?
GK: This is what Minnesotans dread about coming to Arizona. The danger of snakes and dehydration and abandoned mineshaft situations. And of course the irritation of being with elderly persons.
TR (GEEZER): Where's our seats, Lois?
SS (OLD): Let me check.
TR (GEEZER): You had em just a minute ago.
SS (OLD) : I thought I gave em to you.
GK: They're in your hand, ma'am.
TR (GEEZER): Well, hurry up. You got a whole line of people behind you.
SS (OLD): I'm doing it just as fast as I can. Where are my glasses?
GK: You're in seats 22E and 22F.
TR (GEEZER): What about a twenty two? You're not supposed to have a .22 --- you're on a plane---- you got a .22---
GK: Your seats are in row 22.
SS (OLD): We're in row 22.
TR (GEEZER): What row is this?
GK: This is row 3.
TR (GEEZER): This is row 3.
SS (OLD): Then we must be back that way----
GK: They're so slow. They get in your way and then they stop there and try to figure out where they are and they're in no hurry ---- the high point of their day is their Special K in the morning ---- old people are a major hindrance, but thank goodness for all the abandoned mineshafts---- (CRUNCH, CRACK. TR & SS GEEZER CRIES) ---- and the deadly snakes in those mineshafts. And the freeway traffic takes care of the others. (SEMI PASSES FAST)
TR (GEEZER): What happened to that young fella?
SS (OLD): The one who was just talking?
TR (GEEZER): He was standing right there.
SS (OLD): Wandered off, I guess.
(MUSICAL PLAYOFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2003