(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(THEME)
GK: And now...a little radio play entitled DATING A SOUND EFFECTS MAN...(MUSIC)
SS: I met Fred when we were both attending adult Bible study and Rev. Mickelson asked me to sit by Fred and try to keep him from doing the Red Sea parting (WHOOSH OF WATER) and angels (WING FLAPS) and "All we like sheep have gone astray" (SHEEP, THEN FALLING OFF CLIFF) and Daniel in the lions' den (LIONS) and the Second Coming (TRUMPET, WHEEE OF FLIGHT) ---- Fred, please-it's distracting from the lesson---
FN: I sort of feel like it helps bring Scripture to life. Like the Christmas story. (COW MOO, GOAT) The manger scene. (WHINNY) Or the baptism of Jesus. (SWIFT IMMERSION) Or Pentecost ---- Hey, my hair's on fire! (SLAPPING)
SS: He was kicked out of that church and I quit in support of him, and that sort of drew us together, but it was a challenge, knowing Fred. We'd go to a play and----
(TR ACTOR MONOLOGUE, BRITISH, SHAKESPEAREAN GIBBERISH, IN BACKGROUND)
(DRIPPING)
SS: Fred?
FN: What? (DRIPPING)
SS: Stop making that sound. (DRIPS) We're at a play. (DRIPS)
People are looking, Fred. (DRIPPING) Please stop. Or I'll leave.
(DRIPS) Okay. I'm leaving. Goodbye. (BIRD SHRIEK)
It was always interesting having coffee with him because he always had new things he wanted me to hear ---- a tug boat(SFX) and a bicycle horn(SFX) and a jackhammer (SFX), an aquarium(SFX) an orangutan(SFX). An orangutan trying to get dog food out of a can. (SFX) And accidentally dropping it into an aquarium. (SFX) He was the only guy I ever knew who could whistle two notes at once. (SOLO HARMONY WHISTLING) If we were in line, he could always get us to the front of a line by pretending he was holding a baby. (BABY CRY) He could always get a waiter to come by pretending he was just about to throw up. (SFX) Please--- no---- don't. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, TR FRENCH: Oui monsieur---- merci---- no charge---- it's on the house---- please leave----) And if people looked our way, he just laughed at them. (IDIOT LAUGH).
I wasn't going to go out with him again, but he stood at the front door and played his saxophone (SAX) and it was so sweet, I went to a movie with him, and it was a romantic comedy (PIANO ROMANTIC) and when the two lovers stood together in the moonlight (CHICKEN), Fred gave them a little friend. And when they kissed (BIG SUCTION KISS) ----
We had a long talk that night. I tried to tell him, get serious --- it's a dog eat dog world (DOG FIGHT, DOG DEVOURED), it's a jungle out there (JUNGLE BIRDS), and you can't get by with sound effects and then---- there was this huge shadow standing over me----a giant gorilla! (GORILLA ROAR) It picked me up in its giant hairy fist! (ROAR) ---Help, help!
FN: The creature is climbing to the top of the Empire State building! (GORILLA ROAR, SS CRIES, AIRPLANES BUZZING) Thanks goodness, I got some duct tape before the stores ran out. I'll just make a lasso out of duct tape and catch the landing gear of that helicopter--- (SWINGING LASSO) (FLIGHT) (COPTER) There! And swing out---- (HE SWINGS OUT) Okay, here comes King Kong.(GORILLA ROAR) I'll just give him a (SWING, KONK, GORILLA OOFFF) And grab her out of his arms. (SS CRIES) Gotcha!
SS: My hero! (MUSIC) Life is never dull when you date a sound effects man. (SHEEP) There's always something going on.(BOINGING) You live life on a large scale.(THUNDER, LIGHTNING) It's like dating Zeus. Or Steven Spielberg. He has command over the beasts of the forest (WOLF HOWL), and the beasts of the street (THREE FAST CARS PASSING), he's a hero(LASER) setting forth with his faithful dog (BARKS) to bring justice to the world. (BAGPIPE) And sometimes to bring a little silence. (DRIPPING)
© Garrison Keillor 2003