(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; SB: Sam Bush)
(A MANDO TUNE INTO--..)
GK: This segment of our show brought to you by Sam Bush Belts and Sam Bush Belt Buckles.
SB: Howdy. My name is Sam Bush but you already knew that by looking at me. Got my name right here on my belt buckle. And on my belt. And those letter running up the back o' my boots? Sez Sam Bush. You can only see the S and the H but the rest of it is there. With a name like Bush, you want to get it out there where people can see it. Right there on your belt and your belt buckle. Mine is made of brass and silver and it weighs 38 pounds and has a bottle opener on the front (BOTTLE OPEN, FIZZ), see? And a duck call (SFX). And an electronic mosquito zapper (BUZZ). And a pager. (BUZZ) Plus I can get faxes and e-mail. (BEEPS) Got a tuner here (TONES), a little sharp just how I like it. And a belt sander. (SANDER). Which also serves as a fingernail buffer. And if anybody steals my pants, there's an alarm. (KLAXON, WHOOPS)
The name on the belt buckle lights up at night (FLASHING) and the letters flash on and off with a zipper light around the border. Nice, huh? Makes it easy to find your pants in the middle of the night. I say you only go around once in life so you might as well be memorable. We make the belt by branding the name Sam Bush right on the cow (HISS, MOOING) and we use a cloning iron to do it so when the calves are born (BAWLING), the name Sam Bush is on their rear ends too.
So all my furniture is cowskin and it's all got my name on it, just like my belt buckle. Did I mention that the belt buckle has a duct-tape dispenser? Well, it does. (RIP OF TAPE) It also has an automatic warning device. (FN ELECT VOICE: STAND BACK. STAND BACK. THIS IS SAM BUSH. THIS MAN IS DANGEROUS. WHEN PROVOKED. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT OR APPROACH DURING MATING SEASON.) And if I'm in a tight jam, the belt buckle shoots out a 100-foot steel cable with a grappling hook that grabs hold of a cliff or tall tree and lets me hoist my way to safety. Every performer should have one.
Where can you purchase a Sam Bush Belt Buckle? You can get yours at the Sam Bush Museum and Gift Shop on Music Row right here in Nashville. And I thank you. And my family thanks you. (REST OF MANDO TUNE)
© Garrison Keillor 2003