(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN:Fred Newman)
(BILE THEM CABBAGE DOWN, GK VOCAL, INTERRUPTED AS FOLLOWS)
GK: --..(BEEPS OF WARNING HORN) (TELETYPE)
TR: We interrupt this program with a special news bulletin. Here's Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News in Washington.
SS: This is Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News, Washington, D.C. We have reports from the Department of Homeland Security that the nation is now in a mauve state of alert --- repeat ---- we are on a mauve alert, due to reports that the Second Coming has taken place. I repeat, reports of the Second Coming in the past half hour. That is the word we have. The Second Coming, which according to Christians is prophesied in the Old Testament and the New, may have taken place, and thousands of people have disappeared into the sky, presumably believers. At the White House, President George W. Bush had this to say:
TR (BUSH): I was there in Nashville this week to give a speech at the National Religious Broadcasters convention. Or as I like to call them, The Axis of Evangelicals. A speech called, "What Would Jesus Bomb?" I have checked with the religious broadcasters and none of them is missing and so I doubt that the Second Coming has taken place, but we certainly are checking into it.
SS: Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): Who is this?
SS: Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News, Washington, D.C. Mr. President----what information do you have on the thousands who are said to have disappeared?
TR (BUSH): We think that maybe they're safe in their homes and maybe they put on the duct tape a little too tight. We're sending people around to check.
SS: So you think there has been no Second Coming?
TR (BUSH): I'm still here. Billy Graham is here. Just spoke to the Pope. The Mormons say they're just fine. (DOORBELL) There's the Jehovah's Witnesses.
SS: What do you recommend that people do, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): I advise people to remain calm. I am calm and I hope everybody else is too. An alert is just that. Be vigilant. Watch for Jesus to come in the skies and for the Tribulation to begin and Armageddon and all the rest that may be involved, but don't cancel your travel plans, and continue to shop. Remember, if you are not an evil-doer, you have nothing to fear from the Second Coming.
SS: President Bush, from the White House. This is Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News, Washington, D.C.
BILE THEM CABBAGE
TR : We interrupt this program with a news bulletin. Here's Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News in Washington.
SS: This is Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News, Washington, D.C. with a news bulletin. Repeating today's top story,----
TR: I already said that. I already said, "Here's Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News in Washington, with a news bulletin" ---
SS: What????
TR: So why do you have to come in and say it ---- why would you be interrupting the show if you didn't have a news bulletin" --- I don't get it.
SS: Would you just shut up?
TR: Who cares if you're Linda Wiseheimer --- (UPSET) this may be the end of all recorded history out there, the Second Coming ---- this is the big one----
SS: You're fired.
TR: It's all over and you know something ---- I hate you. I'm just glad I got a chance to say that.
SS: You're an idiot, John, and thank goodness I've got some duct tape---
TR: (STRUGGLE) Get away from me. I said (MUFFLED CRIES)
SS: The Second Coming appears to have taken place today and thousands of people are missing, and we have reports that many of them, perhaps most, are persons of the Lutheran faith. We have on the line from Chicago Presiding Bishop Edgar Larson of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, Bishop Larson, thank you for joining us.
TR (ON PHONE): Well, thanks for taking my call. Sure a pleasure. Enjoy your work a lot and hats off to all of you for all you do and I know I speak for many others when I say it. You do a good job.
SS: We're getting reports that the Second Coming has taken place and thousands of Lutherans are missing.
TR (ON PHONE): Yeah, I heard that, too. I've been trying to locate my wife.
SS: Do you have any comment on that?
TR (ON PHONE): Well, if the Second Coming has taken place and she's gone up with the Lord, I guess that sort of opens up the weekend, don't it. This sermon I've been working on ----on discipleship. Don't seem much point to it now, does there? To be perfectly frank with you, I just opened myself up a cold beer that I been keeping in the root cellar where Lois couldn't see it. I'm thinking maybe I'll head downtown and see what's going on. Never did that before. Never went out dancing because Lois thought it was a waste of time. I don't mean square dancing but those clubs where they turn the lights down low and you don't necessarily know who it is you're dancing with. I always thought that might be fun. Maybe this is the night.
BILE THEM CABBAGE
© Garrison Keillor 2003