(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith; FN: Fred Newman)
GK: And right now (BOUNCY QUIZ SHOW THEME) Attila Snow Machines ---- (TK SNOWMOBILE) it's a thrilla to ride an Attila (SNOWMOBILE BLAST OFF) --- brings you ----
TR: BUZZ OFF! THE ANNUAL RADIO SOUND EFFECTS CHAMPIONSHIP----
GK: --with the two top radio sound effects men in America today competing for valuable prizes ----
TR: Including this palomino pony (WHINNY AND HOOVES).
GK: This 14 hp hair dryer (DRYER)
TR: This home karaoke machine with your choice of Jazz Standards (SFX) or Hip Hop (SFX)----
GK: And now, our contestants (DRUM ROLL) ---- our challenger ---- from New York's Upper West Side (TRAFFIC), a native of Georgia (BANJO), a man who has walked the floor late at night holding small people (INFANT CRYING), in the black suit and black shirt and the white tie and the snap-brim fedora---- Mr. Fred Newman. (APPLAUSE) And from St. Paul, Minnesota, our defending champion --- winner for many years of radio's coveted Wally Award (BUGLE) and a former second runner-up in the Minnesota Old Time Broadcasters Golf Classic (GOLF SWING AND HIT), the radio voice of the Ramsey County Poultry Growers Assoc. (ROOSTER) ---- in a coral blue Lands End casual pullover and chino pants, white crew socks, and moccasins --- Mr. Tom Keith. (APPLAUSE) Are the contestants ready? (TK & FN) Are the contestants' seconds ready? (TR & TR) Is Mr. Newman's publicity person ready? (SS) Fine. Here's how the game is played. The judges decisions are final. The judges will signify a correct answer with the (BIKE HORN). An incorrect answer with the (PENALTY BUZZER). When time is about to run out, you'll hear (COWBELL). And a bonus opportunity is signified by (WHOOPS). Okay? (TK & FN) Good.
TR: ROUND ONE (BONG) ---- BASIC SOUNDS. (MUSIC FANFARE)
GK: Basic sounds known to all sound effects men. We'll flip the coin. (FLIGHT, COIN, COIN SPIN) Heads, and Mr. Newman will go first. After we spin the Wheel of Sound for your category (SPINNING WHEEL, SLOWING, STOP). And the category is:
TR: THINGS THAT ARE YELLOW OR STANDING NEXT TO YELLOW THINGS
GK: Things that are yellow or standing next to yellow things, Mr. Newman. Set the clock (WIND CLOCK) And you'll have thirty seconds to do ten effects: Yellow helicopter (CHOPPER), a yellow-toothed elephant (ELEPHANT), a Curtiss Biplane (PLANE), a mixer (MIXER), a yaller dog (COON DOG), a stomach growl (STOMACH GROWL), yellow liquid dripping (DRIPS), yellow fish in an aquarium (AQUARIUM), a 1957 Pontiac (CAR START), and a parrot (PARROT). Ten effects in thirty seconds. (BIKE HORN) Very good. ---- Mr. Keith---- spin the Wheel of Sound (SPINNING WHEEL). And the category is:
TR: THE SAME THINGS AS MR. NEWMAN HAS DONE
GK: The same things as Mr. Newman has done. Set the clock. (WIND CLOCK) Thirty seconds. The helicopter (CHOPPER), the elephant (ELEPHANT), a Curtiss Biplane (PLANE), a mixer (MIXER), coon dog (COON DOG), stomach growl (STOMACH GROWL), liquid dripping (DRIPS), yellow fish in an aquarium (AQUARIUM), a 1957 Pontiac (CAR START), and a parrot (PARROT). And the judges' decision is. (BIKE HORN) Very good. Congratulations. What have our contestants won, Mr. Russell?
TR: Our contestants have won a home washer with wash cycle (WASH CYCLE), spin cycle (SPIN CYCLE), and gentle air fluff for delicate garments (FLUFF). Plus a month's supply of tapioca pudding. (SCHLOPPING)
GK: Wonderful. Let's go on to our Playoff Round where the judges will pit our two contestants against each other, mano a mano, sono a sono, Mr. Keith first and then Mr. Newman.
TR: No. 1. A Pekingese under a hairdryer. (TK, THEN FN) (ORGAN FANFARE)
TR: No. 2. A duck firing a .22 rifle. (TK, THEN FN) (ORGAN FANFARE
TR: No. 3. A chimpanzee getting his necktie caught in a computer printer (TK, THEN FN) (ORGAN FANFARE
TR: No. 4. A collie with hiccups being fired from a cannon. (TK, THEN FN) (ORGAN FANFARE
TR: No. 5. A bee landing on the nose of a man allergic to bees (TK, THEN FN) (ORGAN FANFARE
TR: No. 6. The expulsion of gas under high pressure from a soprano. (TK, THEN FN) (ORGAN FANFARE
GK: And the judges holding up their scorecards: (FANFARE) Mr. Keith 14.45 and Mr. Newman 15.15. Very close, very close, coming into our final challenge round. Mr. Russell, what have the contestants won so far?
TR: So far our contestants have won a 35 hp riding power mower with air-suspension (POWER MOWER), an old crow (CROW), and a set of automatic doors similar to those seen on Star Trek (DOORS).
GK: Now---- we come to our final challenge round in which two ace radio sound effects men gather up all their resources and come at each other head to head, performing complicated effects ---- kids, don't try these at home ---- complicated effects as chosen by our judges' computer ---- an animal, a vehicle, a weapon of destruction, an electrical device, and escaping gas.
TR: An animal, a vehicle, a weapon of destruction, an electrical device, and escaping gas.
GK: Once again, a right answer is signified by (BIKE HORN), a wrong answer (PENALTY BUZZER), and a bonus try (WHOOPS). Mr. Keith, are you ready?
TK: Ready.
(COMPUTER)
'
GK: And the computer is giving us Mr. Keith's challenge for the
championship: Mr. Keith, do a moose and an elk on a sonar-equipped skateboard
being chased by a wapiti driving a Ferrari and shooting it with a machine
gun and it swerves, hits a chicken coop, while the skateboard goes over
a cliff, only to be rescued by a giant condor. You have twenty seconds.
(CLOCK WIND) (WHISTLE)
TK SEQUENCE
(BIG ORGAN FANFARE)
GK: A tremendous effort from our champion, Mr. Keith, and so it's up to the challenger, Mr. Newman, to go out and give a great performance in order to wrest the trophy from him, are you ready?
FN: Ready.
(COMPUTER)
GK: And now the computer is giving us Mr. Newman's challenge for the final round of this Buzz Off Radio Sound Effects Championship. Mr. Newman, do a peacock flying through a fireworks show and avoiding a Cessna to land in a tuba being played by an cappuccino vendor and it's rescued by a Chihuahua who leaps from a speeding train and cuts the tuba with a chainsaw while listening to rap music. You have twenty seconds. (CLOCK WIND, WHISTLE)
FN SEQUENCE
TK INTERRUPTS AT END WITH KLAXON
GK: We have a penalty. Fred Newman penalized for an illegal device ---- the judges detected a small buzzer in his left nostril-----
FN: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? You gotta be kidding!!!
GK: Mr. Newman is arguing with the call. (ANGRY VOICES) He's overturned the judges table. (DOGS) He's got dogs. Mr. Keith's dog is in the fight now. (DOG) And the two are lobbing eggs at each other (EGGS), and we have a peacock loose (PEACOCK), and now Mr. Keith is releasing giant fruit bats (BATS) and I think that's all the time we have for our Buzz Off championship. (BIG BAND PLAYOFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2003