Jokes performed on A Prairie Home Companion, February 1, 2003 from the Fitzgerald Theater in Saint Paul, Minnesota, our "Sometimes Annual Joke Show."
Performers:
Garrison Keillor, Sue Scott, Tim Russell, Tom Keith, Fred Newman
The Guy's All-Star Shoe Band: Richard Dworsky, piano, keyboard, organ; Dale Mendenhall, winds; Pat Donohue, guitar; Gary Raynor, bass; Arnie Kinsella, percussion
Guests:
Outside John and the Sears Catalog
Jeff Lang
The Old Standby:
So these two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin replies: Who says I'm not?
Ole and Lena jokes:
Did you ever hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her?
One day, Svend and Ole were hunting and suddenly a man came running out of the bushes, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!" Ole raised his gun and shot him dead. Svend said, "Ole, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a deer!" And Ole replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!"
Blonde jokes:
A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel ahead, and she says: "Here we go again."
A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345.
A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.'' And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''
Third-grader jokes:
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
Two missionaries were captured by cannibals and they were stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire and the water got hotter and hotter and suddenly, one guy started laughing, and the other guy says, "What's so funny?" The first guy replied: "I couldn't help it. I just peed in their soup!"
Why did the composer only compose in bed? He was writing sheet music.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name.
How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.
A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey,
you're a pickle! What are you doing here?"
The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that
I can walk."
Political jokes:
Hillary Clinton finds out from her doctor that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in her first term as Senator of New York and she calls home, gets Bill on the starts screaming. "How could you have let this happen? You go and get me pregnant! How could you? It is all your fault!!!" she screams. And Bill says, "Who is this?"
What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? Second grade.
Doctors and medicine:
A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of cling film around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
This man is walking by an insane asylum and he hears the inmates inside chanting inside "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen--" He is so fascinated that he walks up to the door and puts his eye up the keyhole and somebody pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick and the inmates start changing "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen--"
I woke up this morning and I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin. But after the first two, I felt better.
One-liners:
I got an A in philosophy last semester by proving that my professor doesn't exist.
Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work. Every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous.
So the dyslexic walked into the bra.
Men and Women:
Why does an archeologist make a good husband? Because the older you get, the more interested he is in you.
"Hey. Nice earring. How long have you been wearing an earring?" "Ever since my wife found it in the car."
My wife came home the other night and told me to take
off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told
me never to wear her clothes again.
Odds 'n' Ends:
An elephant was walking through the jungle when he saw a turtle sitting on a log. And he said, "Hey, you're the same turtle who bit me 45 years ago." And he kicked the turtle and it flew a hundred feet and bounced off a tree and into the river. And the giraffe said, "Wow, you've got quite a memory" and the elephant said, "I have turtle recall."
Did you hear about the exhibitionist who was going to
retire?
He changed his mind, and decided to stick it out for one more year.
What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian: Some one who goes around knocking on doors but isn't sure why.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replied the man.
A man walked out of the bar and got in his car and a policeman came over and said, "Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man looked at the police officer and replied, "Officer, your eyes seem to be glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"