(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
GK: --..brought to you by the American Duct Tape Council ---- duct tape ---- it's almost all you need sometimes ----- and here for duct tape is supermodel Cynthia Maxwell.
SS: I like wake up this morning and my hair is a total disaster, I mean----During the night, it just sort of goes postal on me. And I have this lunch date with Richard Gere. How cool is THAT? But my hair is like Horror Central. It is having convulsions, it is up there crying and asking for DRUGS or something. Could it BE any more pathetic? As in 1-800 Sam Donaldson. So I like put a paper sack over my head and I go down to the mall to get a Gel and some sense of Control over my life and it is like this total nerd-fest. Every nerd and his aunt are there just nerding up a storm. And right when I'm standing in line to pay for this stuff suddenly my total loser ex-boyfriend comes up and he's all smiley-face and going, like, When are we gonna get back together, okay? I mean, how hopeless is that? This guy is a total vegetable, he makes hairspray look profound. So I am standing there like a raccoon in a leg trap looking at this Nerd De La Nerd and thinking, I actually dated this turkey. As in W-W-W-dot-Am I-a-complete-loser-or-what-dot-com. And I'm going, like, Uh let me call you sometime, okay? Like not necessarily in this life or the next, but Soon. As in 1-800-Argghhhhh. And he's going, Uh how about dinner tonight and I'll tell you all about my totally meaningless life and all my incredibly stupid friends. So I'm thinking, Okay. I'm out of here. Cancel the lunch. End of my life. I'm cool with that.
And I go to my car and he's like following me, breathing on me, and I say, Get Lost, and I drive off and I look at the clock and Whoa, it's like twelve-fifteen p.m. and I am supposed to meet Richard Gere at noon and the restaurant is like an hour away, so I go racing over there at 150 miles per hour or something and I walk in like an hour and a half late, and he stands up to kiss me on the cheek and he splits his pants and I am like, No problem, and I just reach into my bag and pull out this black duct tape, same color as his pants, and it's like totally cool, as in W-W-W-dot-this-chick-is-down-with-it-dot-com, and he offers me a part in his new movie, and I'm like, hey, why not? And how cool is that? Soon as he calls me back, I'm good to go. Thanks, duct tape.
GK: Super-model Cynthia Maxwell with a word for the American Duct Tape Council ---- duct tape (QUACKS), it's not just for plumbers anymore.
© Garrison Keillor 2003