(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
(GRACEFUL PIANO)
The holidays were lovely (PLEASANT GRACIOUS VOICES) and everyone you love was there (A LIGHT CLINK OF GLASSES, LIGHT LAUGHTER) and the house was beautifully decorated (TINKLE OF GLASS DECORATIONS) and the food was delicious (SS: Dig in, everyone! LIGHT LAUGHTER. MURMUR OF COMPLIMENTS) and that was the problem ---- (PIGGY SOUNDS) you started eating and you couldn't stop (HOWL)--- it was embarrassing (GRUNTING AND SLOPPING) you got your head down in the trough and (ANIMAL GRUNTS) you were like a beast in the jungle (ELEPHANT TRUMPET), suddenly you were hyenas feeding on the carcass of a wildebeest (GRUNTING AND GROWLING, TEARING OF FLESH) and you couldn't stop, you ran around on all fours and got into garbage cans (GRUNTING, RIPPING OF PAPER, JUNK RUMMAGING), you terrorized the neighborhood, and your children were ashamed (TR BOY: Oh Dad) ---- your pastor had to be called (TR PASTOR: Let us pray) ----- Julia Child was upset (TR JULIA: I'm all for the joy of eating, but this is too much.) ---- Mr. Rogers was upset ---- (TR ROGERS: I'm glad you're not my neighbor.) ----- Dr. Phil wasn't happy. (LINE HERE), and the next day you awoke with horrible breath and climbed onto the scale (RATCHETING SLOWLY TO UTMOST) and looked down and---
TK: Oh my gosh.
GK: What are you going to do?
TK: What CAN I do?
TR (QUIETLY): Maybe you need to go into self-storage for a little while.
GK: Swanson's Self Storage. It's a way to be alone and be able to think clearly (DOOR CREAK OPEN)
TR: Right in there, Mr. Stickney.
TK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS, INTO REVERB)
TR: Lie on the floor, Mr. Stickney.
TK (REVERB): Okay. Is there anything to eat in here?
TR: There's Rye-Krisp.
TK (REVERB): Okay.
TR: Get comfortable. Just relax.
TK: (REVERB) Okay.
TR: I'll be back to get you in two weeks, okay?
TK: (REVERB) Okay. See you then.
TR: Bye. (CLOSE DOOR)
GK: Swanson's Self Storage.....when you need a time out. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2003