(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still
trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy
Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC)
GK (NOIR): It was December and I got myself a cheap ticket to New York, flying Manitoba Airlines by way of Vancouver into Schenectady, but I didn't care, I just wanted to see Times Square, see some lights, some people. In St. Paul, Minnesota, in December, people tend to stay home, read Dostoevsky, and cry themselves to sleep. I wanted bright, I wanted festive. So what happens---- I get to the city, (HORNS HONKING) 7 inches of snow falls ---- streets deserted ----- people going home with armloads of Russian novels. (BRIDGE) I went to a Broadway show called "Cougar Duke," from the folks who brought you "Lion King," and during intermission-----
FN: Excuse me. You're from Minnesota, aren't you----
GK: Yes-----
FN: I could tell by the slight indentation on your left index finger where you clipped the jumper cable----
GK: Amazing.
FN: And also from your shopping bag from Dayton's.
GK: Aha.
FN: I love Minnesota. It's out there, near Montana, right? ---- kind of between Pennsylvania and Montana ---- near Kansas ---- Anyway, I spent a summer there as a boy. Worked on a farm. Their idea of a traffic jam was four cars waiting to pass a tractor.
GK: That's right.
FN: In fact I've been thinking about Minnesota lately. You wouldn't happen to know of a good private detective out there, would you? My name is Rockefeller. Ralph Rockefeller. (STING, AND BRIDGE)
GK: I showed him my private eye card and after the show, he took me to the Harvard Club and we went into a room and he put a record on a turntable.
FN: I want to play you a song, Mr. Noir. I used to listen to this as a child. A couple of brothers, The Brooten Boys, Flem and Bart, and they sang every Saturday night on the Home on the Prairie radio show, and doggone it, it just meant so much to me. (GUITAR RHYTHM)----
GK & PD: Go tell Aunt Gladys
Go tell Aunt Gladys
Go tell Aunt Gladys
Her old brown dog is dead. (GUITAR RHYTHM VAMP UNDER--..)
FN: I loved listening to that show, Mr. Noir ----
GK & PD: The old brown dog named Rusty
The old brown dog named Rusty
The old brown dog named Rusty
Who slept out in the barn.
FN: I mean, I grew up with Stephen Sondheim musicals and yet ---- these simple rural people on the radio with their songs about everyday life in Minnesota---- it spoke to me-----
GK & PD: The dog who chased the chickens
The dog who chased the chickens
The dog who chased the chickens
And liked to eat their eggs.
FN: They were like family to me, because my own family was rich, we lived on the upper East side ----
SS (RICH LADY, FAST, CLIPPED, REVERB): Chipper, I've spoken to the kindergarten admissions committee and they're happy to have you take the entrance exams again, you were just a little weak on shapes and colors -----
TR (RICH MAN, REVERB): So I bought you some blocks to play with. Fifty-Sixth Street and Fifty-Seventh Street.
FN: Daddy was in banking and Mother was running her charity balls and I spent less time with them than I did with those folks on the radio----
GK & PD: He died from chasing squirrels
He died from chasing squirrels
He died from chasing squirrels
He ate one and got sick.
It must've been a bad one
It must've been a bad one
It must've been a bad one
He just laid down and died.
FN: The Brooten Brothers were like family to me, Mr. Noir. I sat there alone in my family's fifteen-room duplex apartment on Park Avenue at 78th Street, surrounded by original Renoirs and Cezannes, my parents off on the Riviera, and I played their records. (GUITAR UNDER)
(PD & GK)
There's a dark and a stormy side of life
There's a bright and a sunny side too
Though we meet with the darkness and strife,
The sunny side we also may view.
Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side, keep on the sunny side of life (FADING), It will help you every day, it will brighten all the way----
FN: Anyway, I was having lunch with a friend the other day and he said---- (WEEPY) he said, they're making a movie about that Home on the Prairie show. A movie.
GK: I can understand your concern.
FN: To think of those wonderful authentic people getting caught up in the glitz of Hollywood and being corrupted with vast amounts of money----- it's unbearable.
GK: Well, I don't know. What can you do? It's a free country.
FN: I want you to go back to Minnesota and find those radio people, Mr. Noir, and give them this.
GK: This envelope?
FN: There's fifteen grand in there. You give em that and tell em to stay in radio. Please. I love those people. I can't bear to think of them moving to L.A. and getting slim and tan and wearing dark glasses and eating grilled tuna. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I took the fifteen grand and flew back to St. Paul. (BLIZZARD) It was snowing there. Not too bad. (FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW) About four feet. You could still make out the tops of street signs and see the roofs of cars, where they were buried (SKIER PASSING). The Red Cross was out on skis. Some St. Bernards going around with little casks of brandy. (WOOFS) ----No, thanks. (WOOFS) A little girl was selling matches on the streetcorner.
SS (GIRL, SHIVERING): Matches, sir? Care to buy some matches?
GK: Here you are, Match Girl. Keep the change.
SS (GIRL, SHIVERING): Merry Christmas to you, sir.
GK: Do you ever listen to a radio show on Saturday night called the Home on the Prairie show?
SS (GIRL, SHIVERING): Why, yes indeed I do. Me and me poor old mother. We listen on a radio we purchased from the Salvation Army for a nickel. That radio helps keep us warm. And the show comes from a theater a couple blocks from here---- that way-----
GK: Thank you. (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) ---- Just up the street was a man struggling along under a load of chains. (CLANKING OF CHAINS, TR GROANING) ---- Excuse me, sir. My name is Noir. Guy Noir----
TR (GHOSTLY): Marley is the name.
GK: Bob?
TR (GHOSTLY): Jacob.
GK: And these are your chains?
TR (GHOSTLY): These are the chains I forged in life. Chains of greed and cruelty and neglect ----
GK: Well, nobody's perfect. Have you ever heard of a radio show called the Home on the Prairie show?
TR (GHOSTLY): Indeed I have. Every fall and every spring, when they asked for my membership pledge, I refused to call. And so I am condemned to carry this heavy load----
GK: On his back were public radio tote bags filled with rocks. And coffee mugs. (TR MOANING, MOVES OFF, CLANKING) -----I was almost to the theater, I thought, but----- I couldn't see it, the snow was falling so heavily---- excuse me, sir? I'm looking for the radio show----
TR (SANTA): Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.
GK: When you're done ho-ho-ho-ing, you mind telling me where that radio show is?
TR (SANTA): Ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.
GK: Then I could see he wasn't laughing, he was stuttering-----
TR (SANTA): Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho Home on the Prairie Show.
GK: Right. Up this way?
TR (SANTA): Up that way. (FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW)
GK: He pointed toward an alley and I went down there, past the trash cans, and there in the dark was a door that said Stage Door and light shone through the crack underneath, and I banged on it---(BANGING ON STEEL DOOR) and (SLOW CREAKING) ----
FN (IGOR): Shhhhhhh. We're just about to shoot a scene. Who are you?
GK: Shoot a scene? I thought this was a radio show.
FN (IGOR): It was. But we're making a movie. Are you one of the extras?
GK: Yes. Right.
FN (IGOR): Come in---- (DOOR CREAKS SHUT) This way. Shhhhh. (HUNCHBACK WALK, FOOTSTEPS) This is our first day of shooting.
GK: I see. And who are you?
FN (IGOR): I'm the producer. Couldn't you tell?
GK: Of course.
FN (IGOR): Yes. It's a love story. The Brooten boys meet a crippled girl who was healed by their music and she's in love with them but she isn't sure which one. (HUNCHBACK WALK)
GK: Sounds like an idea. ---- We came around a corner and there was the stage, with two heavyset guys in bib overalls sitting on hay bales, holding guitars. Around them, about eight-hundred spotlights and reflectors and a crew of about fifty and a big guy in a black suit and black shirt and dark glasses in a director's chair on a fork lift.
TR (DIRECTOR) : Up! Take me up! (ENGINE) Stop!---- Okay. Listen --- Bart and Flem ---- I loved what you did there --- it was emotionally a very very beautiful thing, a beautiful moment, it was absolutely perfect, and now I'd like you to do it once more but different. Okay?
GK (FLEM): Okay, Mr. Emily.
TR (DIRECTOR): It's Emile. Mr. Emile.
GK (FLEM): Okay.
TR (DIRECTOR): Okay. So you're expressing despair at the ignominy of being a radio performer and then Miss Montaigne walks up to you, she's your biggest fan, Becky, she wants to hear you sing "Beautiful Brown Eyes" and you start singing and then the chicken flies in and lands on your lap, the chicken with the jewel in its beak. Okay?
GK (FLEM): Okay. And this is the precious jewel that whoever finds it, he gets the girl?
TR (DIRECTOR): Right. You all set, Bart?
PD: Yeah. All set. ----You want me to look at him as he talks, or what?
TR (DIRECTOR): Do you feel you want to look at him, Bart?
PD: I don't usually.
TR (DIRECTOR): Okay, then don't. Everybody ready? Roll audio.
FN: (SERIES OF VOICES) Roll audio--..audio----roll it----.audio rolling----..roll audio.
TR (DIRECTOR): Camera--..
FN (SERIES OF VOICES): Camera--..roll it----camera rolling----camera----camera.
TR (DIRECTOR): Action!
GK (FLEM): Now?
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut!!!
FN (SERIES OF VOICES): Cut--..cut----cut----cut----.cut.
TR (DIRECTOR): Flem?
GK (FLEM): Sorry. I was supposed to say my line there, wasn't I--
TR (DIRECTOR): When I say action, I want you to act. Okay? Right then. When I say, Action.
GK (FLEM): That's when I go. Gotcha.
TR (DIRECTOR): Good. Okay. Roll audio.
FN: (SERIES OF VOICES) Roll audio--..audio----roll it----.audio rolling----..roll audio.
TR (DIRECTOR): Camera--..
FN (SERIES OF VOICES): Camera--..roll it----camera rolling----camera----camera.
TR (DIRECTOR): Action!
GK (FLEM): In a low and despondent tone. What's the point of it, I wonder----
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut!!!
FN (SERIES OF VOICES): Cut--..cut.
TR (DIRECTOR): Flem?
GK (FLEM): Yessir?
TR (DIRECTOR): Don't read the part in parentheses. Okay?
GK (FLEM): "In a low and despondent tone"---- you don't want me to read that?
TR (DIRECTOR): No. Okay? Roll audio.
FN: (SERIES OF VOICES) Roll audio--..audio----roll it----.
TR (DIRECTOR): Camera--..
FN (SERIES OF VOICES): Camera--..roll it----camera rolling--
TR (DIRECTOR): Action!
GK (FLEM): What's the point of it, I wonder? Who cares? Nobody's listening to us, Bart.
SS (OFF): I am. I care. (SERIES OF FOOTSTEPS)
GK (FLEM): Who's that yonder? (CRASH, GLASS BREAKAGE, VOICES OF ALARM, GENERAL TUMULT)
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! Cut!
SS: I'm sorry, I didn't see that power cord----
(CLEARING WRECKAGE)
TR (DIRECTOR): Okay. Everybody okay? Let's just clear away the debris----(WRECKAGE CLEARING) let's continue ---- let's not lose the mood----- Audio! (FN SERIES OF VOICES) Camera! (FN SERIES) Action!-----
(FOOTSTEPS)
SS: It's me. Becky. I'm the crippled girl who's listened to your show these many years. Look. I can walk now. (FOOTSTEPS) You know why? Because you sang my favorite song on the radio.
GK (FLEM): Which song is that, Becky?
SS: Beautiful Brown Eyes. That's been my favorite since I was a young one.
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! (FN SERIES OF VOICES)
SS: What's wrong?
TR (DIRECTOR): The word is "young 'un". Not young one. "Young 'un."
SS: Oh. What does it mean?
TR (DIRECTOR): Young 'un? It means "young one".
SS: So why not just say "young one" then?
TR (DIRECTOR): It's dialect.
SS: Oh. Okay.
TR (DIRECTOR): Let's take it from your line, Flem---- "Which song is that, Becky?" okay? Audio (FN SERIES). Camera (FN SERIES). Action!
GK (FLEM): Oh. Sorry. Which song is that----
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! (FN SERIES) Try it again. Okay?
GK (FLEM): Sorry. The lights got in my eyes. Confused me.
TR (DIRECTOR): It's a movie set, Mr. Brooten. The lights are always going to be in your eyes. Okay? Audio (FN SERIES). Camera (FN SERIES). And---- action!
GK (FLEM): Which song? Is that Becky?
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! (FN SERIES) Mr. Brooten--- it's not "Which song? is that Becky?" It's "Which song is that, Becky?" Okay?
GK (FLEM): Okay.
TR (DIRECTOR): She's standing four feet from you, of course you know it's Becky. You don't have to ask, "Is that Becky?" It's, "Which song is that, Becky?" Okay? Audio (FN SERIES). Camera (FN SERIES). Action!
GK (FLEM): Which song is that, Becky?
SS: Beautiful Brown Eyes. That's been my favorite since I was a young Un.
GK (FLEM): Well, what do you say let's do it for her, Bart? (LONG PAUSE)
PD: Okay. Let's. (GUITAR STRUMS) (CHICKEN FLURRY, SQUAWK)
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! (FN SERIES) Could we not have the chicken so soon? (FN: Sorry! CHICKEN) Get the chicken off the set. Thank you. (CHICKEN) And Bart?
PD: Yeah?
TR (DIRECTOR): Let's not wait so long when he says, "What do you say let's do it for her, Bart?" ---- let's not wait thirty seconds before we say, "Okay. Let's." Okay? It's not like he has to think real hard about it. Okay? Let's just tighten it up. Okay? All set with the chicken? (FN: All set.) Ready, Miss Montaigne? (SS: Ready.) Audio (FN SERIES). Camera (FN SERIES). Action!
SS: Beautiful Brown Eyes. That's been my favorite since I was a young Un.
GK (FLEM): Well, what do you say let's---- (GUITAR STRUM)?
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! (FN SERIES) You were too early with the guitar, Bart. Okay?
PD: You want me to wait a little longer?
TR (DIRECTOR): Please. Wait until he says, "What do you say let's do it for her, Bart?" Okay.
PD: So after he says that, you want me to strum-----
TR (DIRECTOR): Yes. Let's try it again. From her line, please. Okay? All set with the chicken? (FN: All set.) Audio (FN SERIES). Camera (FN SERIES). Action!
SS: Beautiful Brown Eyes. That's been my favorite since I was a young Un.
GK (FLEM): Well, what do you say let's do it for her, Bart?
PD: Okay. Let's. (GUITAR STRUMS)
GK & PD (DUET): Beautiful beautiful brown eyes.
Beautiful beautiful brown eyes.
Beautiful beautiful brown eyes.
I'll never love blue eyes again.
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! (FN SERIES) ----- Where was the chicken?
FN (OFF): You want the chicken right away?
TR (DIRECTOR): In the script, the chicken is supposed to come in after the second "Beautiful beautiful brown eyes" ---- okay?
FN (OFF): Okay. Fine.
TR (DIRECTOR): You see it? It's right in the script----
FN (OFF): Okay. I got it.
TR (DIRECTOR): You follow me?
FN (OFF): I got it.
TR (DIRECTOR): "Chicken Enters, Flapping." That's your cue. Okay? You see that?
FN (OFF): I've got it.
TR (DIRECTOR): Okay. Let's try it again. Okay? All set with the chicken? (FN: All set.) Okay. And Miss Montaigne?
SS: Yes?
TR (DIRECTOR): You're not saying "young 'un" right. Okay? You're saying "Young Un". Okay? There's no such thing as an Un. Try it again.
SS: Now?
TR (DIRECTOR): Please.
SS: Young Un.
TR (DIRECTOR): Young 'un.
SS: Young Un.
TR (DIRECTOR): Listen. Young 'un.
SS: Young Un.
TR (DIRECTOR); Almost. Not quite. Young 'un.
SS: Young 'un.
TR (DIRECTOR): Beautiful. ----Audio (FN SERIES). Camera (FN SERIES). Action!
SS: Beautiful Brown Eyes. That's been my favorite since I was an onion.
GK (FLEM): Well, what do you say let's do it for her, Bart?
PD: Okay. Let's. (GUITAR STRUMS)
GK & PD (DUET): Beautiful beautiful brown eyes.
Beautiful beautiful brown eyes.
Beautiful beautiful brown eyes.
I'll never love blue eyes again.
(FN STRUGGLING, CHICKEN SQUAWKING. FN: Get out there! Git! CHICKEN FLURRY) (BRIDGE)
GK (NOIR): I had never seen a movie being made and it was quite interesting. The two guys on the hay bales sang "Beautiful Brown Eyes" about fifty-seven more times while the director tried to get the chicken thing just right, and then they had to bring in a stand-in for the chicken because the first one was about to go into overtime (CHICKEN), and the stand-in didn't quite match the first chicken (CHICKEN SQUAWK), so they had to do make-up, and then they had a hard time getting the precious jewel out of the chicken's beak (CHICKEN CHOKING) and then they broke for lunch. (MOB SCENE, RUNNING, SHOUTING) That crew broke for the food line like they hadn't eaten for a month and (GORGING AND STUFFING AND CHOMPING AND SHOVING) crowded in around the trough and ate up everything in sight in about fifteen minutes and I sat there holding Mr. Rockefeller's fifteen grand, waiting to protect these innocent radio people from exploitation, but as it turned out, I didn't need to worry. ----
TR (DIRECTOR): Okay. The next scene we'll shoot is the scene where Flem and Becky run out the door and jump into the pickup truck and drive away ----- okay? We've laid down the track for this long dolly shot, so I want you two to run right through here--..along this wall--..toward that door (FOOTSTEPS) right along here----.you're running and holding hands and you run out that door into the bright sunshine------ what in Sam Hill is going on out there?
FN: It's snowing, sir.
TR (DIRECTOR): Why?
FN: This is Minnesota.
TR (DIRECTOR): I didn't ask for snow.
FN: Sorry, but there's a blizzard----
TR (DIRECTOR): Did I ask for a blizzard? There's no blizzard in this story-----
FN: Sir, look--- there's nothing we can do----
TR (DIRECTOR): Did I ask for a blizzard?
FN: Sir----
TR (DIRECTOR): Did I?
FN: No, sir.
TR (DIRECTOR): No, I did not ask for a blizzard. So----- make it go away.
FN: Sir----
TR (DIRECTOR): Strike the blizzard. Give me sunshine. I'll be in my trailer. Call me when you're ready. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) (BRIDGE)
GK: They did their best to make winter go away. They brought in a fleet of trucks with giant blowers (BLOWERS) to clear the snow off the street. They used flame-throwers. (SFX) They brought in helicopters (CHOPPERS) with big heaters to melt the snow as it fell. They had Indians doing a sun dance. (CHANTING) They brought in truckloads of plexiglass and started building a roof (SHOUTS OF WORKERS, DRILL, HAMMERING) over the whole block. They brought in powerful lights (TRUCK BACKING UP). And the snow accumulated on top of the plexiglass and it dripped (DRIPPING, SHOUTS OF WORKERS) and they tried to vacuum it away (VACUUM) and it froze and snow got deeper and deeper and finally they just packed up their equipment and left.
TR (DIRECTOR): We'll be in touch.
GK (NOIR): In the movie business, that means goodbye. They got in a helicopter and flew away. (CHOPPER AWAY) And Flem and Bart sat there on the hay bales, alone. They'd been on the verge of movie stardom and now they weren't anymore, and I almost went up and offered them the money to not be corrupted, but I thought, naw, they don't need that. They've got their music. Let em be. So I decided the fifteen grand should be my bonus, and I booked me a cabin on a cruise ship to the South Seas (BOAT HORN) and here I am, en route to Pago Pago, but I did purchase one of their CDs and I sort of enjoy it.
(GUITAR)
GK & PD: Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side,
Keep on the sunny side of life,
It will help us every day, it will brighten all the way----
If we keep on the sunny side of life.
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions----Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2002