(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(PIANO, CHRISTMAS TUNE)
GK: Nice CD. Is it an old one?
SS: Got it today.
GK: It's a Christmas CD?
SS: Yeah.
GK: I thought you told your therapist you threw away all your Christmas CDs.
SS: I threw away the ones with the words. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the Vienna Boys Choir. It was the words that were upsetting me.
GK: And then you bought this one?
SS: It's an instrumental album.
GK: Honey, the reason we're going to St. Kitt's for three weeks is to get away from Christmas.
SS: We will.
GK: So why torment yourself? ----
SS: I'm okay.
GK: You are?
SS: I am. I'm okay.
GK: Fine.
SS: I'm just very very glad that we're not going to my family's for Christmas.
GK: Right.
SS: I did that. You know what I mean?
GK: Uh huh.
SS: I did it. It's over.
GK: Right.
SS: I have to live my life now. I mean, I'm almost fifty years old.
GK: Right.
SS: It took me twenty-five years of counseling and therapy to realize that.
GK: Well, don't feel bad.
SS: Don't feel bad?? What is that supposed to mean?? DON'T FEEL BAD???
GK: Sorry. It was just something to say.
SS: DON'T FEEL BAD??? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT??? IT'S CHRISTMAS. OF COURSE I FEEL BAD. I FEEL TERRIBLE.
GK: Well, we'll go to St. Kitt's, we'll have a wonderful time.
SS: Christmas was devastating for me. --- "Don't feel bad."
GK: You want to look at pictures of our vacation condo?
SS: Don't tell me not to feel bad. If you came from a family like my family, you'd be just as messed up as I was. What a family. My brother Joe reading Nietzche at the Christmas dinner table. Mama crying into her Scotch. Daddy with a shotgun across his lap. Me with my face painted blue. Head shaved. A big safety pin through my eyebrow. Nobody noticed. I was invisible.
GK: Well, it was a long time ago.
SS: Every year Mom put on a big show to conceal the truth about how we were ruining each other's lives.
GK: Well, this year we'll have a good time.
SS: Easy for you to say. You don't have the memories I have. I'll never forget the Christmas --- (SHE CHOKES UP)
GK: You sure you don't want to look at those pictures?
SS: ---(WEEPY) the Christmas when I woke up Christmas morning about five o'clock and I was really really messed up and doing a lot of drugs like Nyquil and LSD and nutmeg and a lot of things and I went downstairs to look in my stocking ---- and ---- (WHISPERS) there was no stocking there. ----- No stocking. ----- I sat there in the dark looking at the fireplace where my stocking used to be. It wasn't there. Nothing. ---- And then my mother came in and she said, "Merry Christmas" --- which was just like her, to deny the whole thing ---- and I said, "Where's my Christmas stocking?" And she said, "Well, where's my Christmas stocking?" Trying to put the guilt on me. Boy! "Where's my stocking?" Boy, did she do guilt. My family was the Beethoven's Ninth of Guilt. They were the Aristotle Contemplating the Bust of Homer of guilt. When it comes to guilt, my family was the War and Peace of guilt.
GK: Okay...fine...
SS: What do you mean, "fine"? What does that mean? I'm talking to you about pain, and you say "fine"? (MUSIC STOP) What did you do that for? I was listening to that-----
GK: Listen. I want you to close your eyes right now and take a deep breath----and I'm going to put on another CD---- called "In A Good Place"---
SS: Why-----
GK: Don't talk. (MUSIC, NEW AGE, RELAXATION) I want you to take a deep cleansing breath and then (SS INHALE) let it out (SS EXHALE) ---- blow it out ---- blow it out (SS BLOWING). And now another deep breath---- (SS INHALE) take a deep deep breath, all the way down, all the way in ----- and now blow it out (SS BLOWING)--- blow it all out. And now I want you to go to that quiet place inside yourself -----the quiet place in the sun ----- the sun is shining and there's this wonderful oil ---- and there's fresh fruit, and you're in a good place, in the present, in your own life nowf..with meffthe two of usff..in St. Kitts---What is it?
SS (WEEPY): Why didn't she have a stocking for me?
GK: Honey, please---
SS (WEEPY): All I wanted was my Christmas stocking. With an orange in it. Was that too much to ask?
(THE RELAXATION CD SEGUES BACK INTO THE CHRISTMAS SONG)
GK: Hey, what's going on with this CD player---- (CLICKS) It won't stop. It's broken. The thing won't stop. (MUSIC GETS SLIGHTLY LOUDER) And I can't pull the plug out of the wall either. It's stuck in there--- I'm going down the basement and throw the circuit breaker.
SS (WEEPY): An orange. That's all I wanted. One orange.
GK: Okay. I'm getting you an orange. I'll be right back. Soon as I turn off the power.
SS (WEEPY): Just an orange. Is that too much to ask? One orange? (MUSIC UP AND OUT, IMPASSIONATO)
© Garrison Keillor 2002