(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
GK: This is the time of year when mice start moving from where
they live to where you live, and if you don't take harsh measures, you
will start finding tiny hard little black pellets in the sugar bowl.
So you set out a trap. (WHACK OF TRAP) Or maybe ten or fifteen (MANY WHACKS)
--- but then there's the problem of all those little dead bodies. And
the kids coming down for breakfast and ---- (SS CHILD, GASP OF HORROR.
WHIMPER) The Walt Disney Corporation has gotten rich by convincing children
of the humanity of rodents. Your child sees the twisted neck, the stiff
little legs, the glassy eyes, and occasionally some do splatter and (SS
CHILD SOBBING) your child sees things she'll be telling a therapist about
for the next twenty years. (MEOW) Cats are not the answer to the problem.
Most cats will catch mice, but they won't eat all of the mouse. You'll
find parts of the mouse in the morning. And unless your child was planning
to go into pathology, this won't be a pleasant discovery either. (SS CHILD
SHRIEK) Poisons are not the answer. The mouse eats it and he doesn't always
make it outside before he gives up the ghost.
SS: Ralph?
TK: Yeah?
SS: Is that you?
TK: What?
SS: Did you just cut one?
TK: No!
SS: It smells like something died in here.
TK: Maybe something did.
GK: So what's the answer to the mouse problem? (BIRD SHRIEK) This handsome hawk can be yours for just 10 dollars a week from RENT-A-RAPTOR. He perches on your lamp or coffee table as if stuffed, until he spots a mouse (BIRD SHRIEK, FLAP OF WINGS) and he's got it and he eats all of it. A hawk like this with a 4-foot wingspan can eat a hundred mice a day. And your daughter's boyfriend will never come in the house (BIRD SHRIEK). From RENT-A-RAPTOR. It's nature's way of taking care of mice.
© Garrison Keillor 2002