(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
(MUSIC)
GK: Winter is on its way (BLIZZARD, WOLVES) and the last of the geese are heading south (GOOSE PANIC, FLYING FAST, HONKING) and soon when you walk down the street (FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE) it'll sound like this (FOOTSTEPS ON SNOW). And it'll be time to learn to drive on ice again. (SPINNING WHEELS) Some people hate winter. Especially you folks who grew up in the lap of luxury and whose every whim was indulged by your spineless parents---
SS (MOM, EARNEST, UPBEAT): Chipper? Daddy and I know how hard winter is on your allergies so we're taking you to the Caribbean! Won't that be fun?
TR (SULLEN YOUTH): What part of the Caribbean? I hope not Jamaica. It's so boring.
GK: That was your upbringing. Mine was here on the prairie. (BLIZZARD) And my dad didn't take me to the Caribbean. He sent me to the corn crib to feed the hogs. (TR SWEDISH) And mom gave us meaningless work to do.
SS (MINNESOTA): You getcherself down to the haystack and find my knitting needle. I lost it there yesterday. Go get it. And when you're done with that, take this sieve and go haul up some water.
GK: Quite a contrast to the life of privilege you led, I must say.
TR (WEALTHY MAN): Chipper, Daddy's spoken to Harvard and you've been admitted and it's okay if you can't get there until after Christmas but they would like you to wear a shirt and shoes. Okay, Snuggums?
GK: Naturally you'd have a tough time with snow and cold if you had servants to wait on you hand and foot---
TK (COCKNEY): Wait inside, Master Chip, whilst Mr. Scoggins brings the car up under the portico. We don't want you to catch cold and miss the Cotillion. (MUSIC)
GK: For the rest of us, winter isn't so bad. There's plenty of work to do, and it's good to feel needed. You need to caulk around your windows and your doors. (SQUIRTING AND SQUARTING) Fill up the cracks with caulking compound and then cover them up with duct tape. Wrap your pipes with heating duct tape if they're exposed. If your pipes freeze, they'll probably burst, and bursting pipes (METAL STRESS, THEN BURST, THEN GUSHING OF WATER) can do a lot of damage. Clean the wet leaves out of your gutters. (HEAVY GLOP) And repair any leaks in the gutter with---- (TAPE PULL) you bet, duct tape. November is the time to trim your trees (CHAINSAW) and remove dead branches: dead branches can break and damage your ----look out ----- that dead branch is falling (BRANCH BREAKING, FALLING, BREAKAGE AND ELECTRICAL SHORTING)---- and it's knocking down your power lines and that live wire is falling right next to your LP tanks (EXPLOSIONS).
TK: My home---- gone. It's gone----- (DISTANT SIREN)
GK: November is also a time when you can get low room rates at a hotel. You'd be surprised how reasonable they are. Just be sure to bring duct tape so you can tape the drapes tight and get a good night's sleep. The drapes in hotel rooms never overlap the window. There's always that little sliver of bright light that hits you in the eyes around 10 a.m. Duct tape. It's good for just about everything. (CHICKEN) Get off of there. (CHICKEN FLURRY) A message from the American Duct Tape Council. (MUSIC BUTTON)
© Garrison Keillor 2002