(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
(MUSIC)
GK: I come from a show-business family, I'm not sure you knew that, but it was called The Wyler Family Gospel Crusaders with the Ferguson Dancing & Singing Chickens --- "with the Ferguson Dancing Chickens" was in small type below ---- and we traveled around in a pick-up truck towing a green house trailer behind and we did shows at churches, and we sang as the chickens danced:
(THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME, with CHICKEN CHORUS)
They were called the Ferguson Chickens because my mother's cousin Ann owned them and trained them, and her name was Ferguson. She was good with chickens. Her Dancing Chickens wore vests and cowboy hats and chaps and little tiny holsters with pistols, even though as we pointed out, this hardly was appropriate to our gospel message.
SS: Well, that's what they've always worn, cowboy outfits --- that's what they're used to ---- you can't just go changing it to suit yourselfs----
GK: We thought the chickens could try wearing robes and sandals ----
SS: Couldn't dance if they wore sandals. Then they wouldn't be the Dancing Chickens anymore. They'd just be the Standing Around Chickens.
GK: We wondered if the chickens couldn't at least try wearing robes and sandals---- or carry little Bibles instead of pistols----
SS: If you don't want chickens, just say you don't want chickens. Makes no never-mind to me. Lots of other folks are looking for good dancing chickens. I get calls every day about em. If you don't like em, fine, they can find work anywhere for a whole lot more than the chickenfeed you're paying em, believe you me. (PIANO)
GK: She had a point there. A lot of people came to see our Gospel Crusaders show who sat through Daddy's sermonette craning their necks to see when the dancing chickens were coming out----
TR (MINNESOTA PREACHER): Scripture says --- "I know whom I have believ-ed" --- it doesn't say, "I think I know" --- it doesn't say "I reckon I know" --- it says "I know whom I have believ-ed ----- it doesn't say, "I've got a pretty good idea whom I have believ-ed" --- no, it doesn't ---- it says, "I know whom I have believ-ed"-----
GK: People weren't listening to the message, they were waiting for the chickens to come out in their cowboy suits and start dancing.
(WORLD IS NOT MY HOME, WITH DANCING CHICKENS. ONE CHORUS, THEN FAST FADE UNDER--..)
GK: So one day, Daddy got fed up with it, people coming to a gospel show to see chickens dance, and he was just about to send those chickens back to Ann, when one chicken choked on a cherry (CHICKEN CHOKING) and died of a hemorrhage (CHICKEN DEATH) and of course we didn't dare tell Ann Ferguson for fear she'd get mad, so we had to agree to all of her contract demands.
SS: The chickens need more money. And they ought to ride in the trailer. And I'd like to see their name above the title.
GK: So then it was The Ferguson Dancing Chickens in big type with the Wyler Family Gospel Crusaders in small print, and the chickens were riding in the trailer and we added secular music to the show ----
(LADY OF SPAIN ACCORDION, WITH SINGING CHICKENS)
GK: And Daddy didn't preach anymore, he put on a straw hat and picked up a cane and sold souvenirs (TR: Git yer Dancing Chicken T-shirts and caps and flyswatters! Right here! Git yer Dancing Chicken original soundtrack records and tapes!) and we did show tunes, ( CHICKEN CHORUS, OOOOOOOKLAHOMA)---- I guess that if I hadn't done what I did, my whole family would've wound up in a showroom in Las Vegas, we were starting to show signs of corruption, my sister wearing low-cut dresses (SS: Do you think this is too revealing?) and my brother in his tight pants (TR: Snake leather---- how d'ya like em, chief?) and my mom getting drawn into secular music (SS SING: People----- people who need people) and my dad working with the chickens (TR: Now I want to see you hold your wings up in the air and turn around and bend over and flip your tailfeathers up, okay? Let's try it. One and two and----), and the money was pouring in from the chicken CDs and we bought a mansion in Beverly Hills, and it was a choice between them and us and I could see what I had to do and so I did it----
(CLINK OF SILVER ON TABLEWARE)
TR: (CHEWING) Sure is good fried chicken. Don't taste like store-bought. (PIANO)
GK: It wasn't store-bought. Those were our show chickens. Daddy tried to replace them, but he couldn't, and to avoid prosecution we changed our name to Keillor and moved to Minnesota and thank goodness for it---- and you know, with fried chicken, there's nothing like Powdermilk biscuits----PB SPOT AND THEME
© Garrison Keillor 2002