(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
GK: -- back to our show in a moment, but first this word from K. Boom Fireworks.
(GENTLE PIANO)
TR: (SOFT) The Fourth of July is over. The cats have come out from under the bed, the dogs have stopped freaking out, your neighbors have forgiven you-- because the fireworks have stopped.
(SOUSA FANFARE)
TR: (HARD SELL) The heck they have! Now is the time to buy fireworks
BY THE BOXFUL at our LOW LOW LOW after-holiday prices! I'm Kurt Boomer,
president of K-Boom Fireworks where our FOURTEEN-ACRE fireworks showroom
is still loaded with Fourth of July fun ---- marked down so you get more
bang (FIRECRACKER HISS THEN A SERIES OF BANGS) for your buck! All your
favorite fireworks, at prices so low you'll think I'm pulling your fuse!
Check out these values!! Black Cobra Bottle Rockets, package of 1,000--
your choice of small, medium or "High End Hearing Loss"--.
only five dollars! (THREE BOTTLE ROCKETS UP AND EXPLODE)
Rockin' Roman Candles --.. your choice of Barbarian at the Gates,
Emperor's Choice, or the Torture of Christians ---- only 2.99 each! (SFX)
The Screaming Dragon three-stage rocket--..a window-shaking blast
and a terrifying shower of flame that will light up the 9-1-1 switchboard--
only 4.99! (SFX) The Deep Space Exploding Siren Pagoda--.this is our
45-pounder guaranteed to set off car alarms within a six-block radius--..comes
with launcher, goggles, and asbestos groin apron, now only $10.99. (SFX)
TR: And finally, our Days of Judgement combination rocket cluster, Fountains of Hell, and exploding snakes----comes with $10,000 bail-bond guaranteed and the name of an excellent criminal attorney----yours for just 89.95, no minors under 16 please. (SFX) You'll find a warehouse of fireworks values--post-holiday prices that blow our competitors out of the water! (EXPLOSION)
GK: (DISCLAIMER) Be prepared to show 3 forms of ID and please bring your prison record and release papers. Fireworks are illegal and cannot be sold on the radio, so this is not an offer to sell nor an invitation to shop, and yet if you were going to, wouldn't that big red warehouse on Highway 53 just south of Prescott, Wisconsin, be a great location for it? And wouldn't 9 AM to 11 PM be convenient hours? Especially if there was plenty of free parking?
(MUSIC UP, RESOLVE)
© Garrison Keillor 2002