(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newmann)
(MUSIC)
GK: Let's talk about Sound Effects as a career choice for your child. Many children become fascinated with making realistic sounds, starting with everyone's favorite, passing gas, (FART) and including household pets (CAT) (DOG) (PARROT) (FISH) and pets passing gas (CAT, CAT FART). Gradually you learn to do guns (GUNFIRE) and from old war movies you pick up other things (ARTILLERY. PLANE STRAFING. MACHINE GUNS BLAZING. SUBMARINE KLAXON, "DIVE, DIVE") and you pick up other things from National Geographic specials (MONKEYS, JUNGLE BIRDS, ELEPHANT) and pretty soon you think, "Maybe I could do this for a living."
SS: Does it require special talent to make a living in the sound effects field?
GK: Yes. It's a simple to do chickens (CHICKENS) and (COWS) and (PIGS) even if you can do cows passing gas (COW, COW FART). On the other hand, if you can do music (PIZZICATO STRINGS), and maybe a combination of music and dance (TAP DANCING), or music performed by animals (DUCKS BLUE DANUBE) or music with animals dancing (ORGAN GRINDER, MONKEY), then you're way ahead of the game.
SS: Is the field of sound effects open to women as well as men?
GK: No. There are effects that girls simply cannot make. Girls can't do a beer can being opened (CAN POP TOP) or a good golf shot (SWING, CLIP OF BALL) or a golf shot that hits a cow (SWING, CLIP, FLIGHT OF BALL, KONK, MOO) ---- or one that hits a cow and makes it pass gas (COW PAIN, FART). Girls can't do rockets (ROCKETS) or jet planes going over (JETS).
SS: Where can my child get instruction in the art of sound effects?
GK: The Fred Newman School of Audio Realism has often been called "the Harvard of sound effects." It's at the Fred Newman school that you move into the major leagues of sound, learning to do the nose hum (NOSE HUM) and the fly on the windowsill (FLY) and the aquarium (AQUARIUM) and the opening of the dog food can (DOG FOOD).
SS: How much does it cost to send my child to The Fred Newman School?
GK: It costs $35,000 a year, but you learn the secrets of a top professional. How to do a drain in a summer cabin (DRAIN) and a drained car battery (STARTER), and how to do babies. Professor Newman does the fussy baby (BABY ONE), the colicky baby with hiccups (BABY TWO), the jungle baby whose cry makes you wonder if he's descended from you (BABY THREE), the accusatory you-call-yourself-a-parent cry (BABY FOUR) and the baby who is going down and taking you with him (BABY FIVE). It's the Fred Newman School of Audio Reality. Send for a course catalogue today. Send 50 cents in coin to (FRED DUCK VOICE)...that address once again is (FRED DOG VOICE)....it's the name to trust when it comes to sound effects. (PIZZICATO, BOOMBOX, DOG BARKS, DRAIN)
© Garrison Keillor 2002