(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newmann)
GK: .......after a word from The Huffer Weight Loss Clinic. It's the only weight loss clinic where you check in Friday, bringing the clothes you hope to wear, and you leave on Monday morning, wearing those clothes. Guaranteed, or your money cheerfully refunded.
TR: This is Dr. Kent Huffer. Maybe you're big-boned. Maybe you've been going to the buffet at restaurants that look like log cabins. Anyway, you're wearing pants with elastic waistbands and shirts with the tails out. You went on a 7-day diet, but you ate the whole thing in one meal. It's come to the point where you've either got to lose weight, or let out the sofa. But now there's hope. You give us your body for one weekend and we'll give it back to you in whatever size you want. Size 4 cocktail dress, jockey silks, whatever. Guaranteed.
SS: Will it be painful, Dr. Huffer?
TR: You'll feel no pain whatsoever, thanks to powerful muscle relaxants and anesthetics ordinarily used on racehorses. You'll enjoy a relaxing weekend that you won't remember afterward and wake up skinny and attractive.
SS: Will I have scars?
TR: A few little indentations here and there, some staples, but nothing that can't be easily concealed by a turtleneck and a poncho.
SS: Are there side effects?
TR: You may notice a slight taste in your mouth like motor oil. And some of your dental fillings may be loose.
SS: Does your weight loss program involve jiggling?
TR: There is quite a bit of jiggling, yes, but we take every precaution to avoid injury.
SS: During jiggling, is the patient unconscious?
TR: Yes.
SS: Is the patient naked?
TR: Yes, but the lights are turned down low.
SS: And what about drugs?
TR: We use drugs to get your heartbeat up to 300 beats a minute, like a hummingbird, which promotes rapid oxidation.
SS: So you use powerful drugs, liposuction, and jiggling?
TR: Yes.
SS: Thank you, Dr. Huffer.
TR: You're welcome.
SS: I went to the Huffer Weight Loss Clinic a month ago. I was having to give a speech to the Federation of Women's Clubs and I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought, "No lectern is big enough to hide behind." So I bought a little teeny tiny dress and went to Huffer on a Friday night and said, Make it fit me, and when I woke up Monday morning, I was a size 2. So is my husband.
TR (LITTLE VOICE): I went to Dr. Huffer and by mistake I brought my 2-year-old son's playclothes. I used to be a big guy and now I weigh 34 pounds. I feel kinda funny but the wife says she likes me this way, so---- here I am.
GK: Give us your body on Friday and by Monday morning, you'll fit into any clothes you want to fit into. The Huffer Weight Loss Clinic.
© Garrison Keillor 2002