(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newmann)
GK: ...after this word from the Catchup Advisory Board.
(MUSIC)
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. A new doughnut shop opened at the mini mall and now that local teens have a place to get fresh bismarcks, they no longer belong to gangs. Barb's uncle died and left us a mink farm that, with very little remodeling, we turned into a retirement village. I discovered a way to turn up our freezer so that it makes ice cubes out of tequila. We should have been happy. Then one night I found Barb sitting in the kitchen, staring at a plastic bottle of water. ----Honey, what's wrong?
SS: Oh, Jim, I was just reading this new study that says that bottled water isn't that different from water right out of the tap. Can you believe it? I feel like such a fool. I mean water from France --- now they're saying it's just water???? It makes you wonder what else isn't true. What about fiber? Is that a big hoax? I just feel that my whole belief system is coming apart. What about Ivory Soap? Sure, it's 99 and 44/100% pure. But pure what? And what about the USDA stamp on the rib roast? What if it means "Unsure? Don't Ask!" Who can we trust now? Maybe all that Shaker furniture was made in China. What about olive oil? Maybe it's not virgin at all. Maybe it's very experienced and rather cynical.
TR: Well, there's one thing that's never deceived us, Barb.
SS: What's that?
TR: Ketchup. Ketchup's all natural ingredients don't come from France, they come from honest American tomatoes. And ketchup's natural mellowing agents take the sting out of getting rooked by foreigners. What do you say we go make some rice and put ketchup on it?
RD (sings): These are the good times, living on the coast,
Our lives kept in balance, our troubles diagnosed.
Life is flowing, like ketchup on French toast
GK: Ketchup. For the good times...
RD: Ketchup... Ketchup
© Garrison Keillor 2002