(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
GK: ......brought to you by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
It's spring and you're happy (WHISTLING) and the sun is shining and birds are singing (BIRD SCREECHES) and you're feeling young (TR: Hey, like totally, dude!) and you take off your shirt (TR: Cool.) and you head out the door to mail a letter and the neighbor's dog is there (DOG SNARL) and the neighbor lady (SS DORIS: Don't worry about him. He won't bite. Very friendly. DOG WOOFS) And you stop to talk to her. (SS DORIS: You got an eczema problem, Mr. Hoffstadter? Looks like eczema to me.) And she sees the letter in your hand and she says (SS DORIS: Lemme mail that for you, I'm on my way to the post office right now.) So you give her the letter and you stretch out on your patio and slather on the sunscreen (LAVISH POURING AND SLATHERING AND SQUOOSHING AND SQUISHING) and lie back and think about skin cancer (TK: I'm terribly sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Hoffstadter-------) and suddenly there are uniformed officers in your driveway ---- (TR: What's going on?) (MARCHING FEET, TK D.I.. TR: Who are you????? MARCHING FEET COME TO HALT. TK D.I. COMMANDS)
SS (OFFICER): Health Department. Anti-Fungus Squad. Your name Hofstadter? (OFF, ENGINE OF BIG CRANE BEING WHEELED INTO POSITION)
TR: Fungus? Me?
SS: We've detected a toxic mold on your property. We have a search warrant. Bring in the hoses..... (RATTLE OF EQUIPMENT)
GK: They come in your house, about ten of them. (VOICES OF CREW)
SS: Check under the sink, Joe-----
TR: Listen--- those are not my vodka bottles, okay? My brother-in-law left those. (RUMMAGING IN JUNK)
SS: When's the last time you cleaned down here? This box of soap has a picture of Jack Benny on it. And this grout around the drainpipe? This is not grout. Let's check the refrigerator. (VOICES) Open the door slowly, there may be some alien life form inside. (DOOR OPENS. SS SNIFFING)
TR: It's only Blue cheese.
SS: It's blue cottage cheese. And the potato salad... it's moving. (SHOTGUN VOLLEY)
TR: You shot my potato salad??????
SS: It was coming toward me. (SHOTGUN VOLLEY) So was the cream cheese. We're gonna have to fumigate. I'm gonna need you to step outside. (TR PROTESTING) Bring in the hoses!!!! (VOICES OF CREW)
GK: And they close the windows of your house and they spray powerful chemicals (POWERFUL SPRAY) and somehow the chemicals interact with stuff in your house ---- who understands chemistry? I don't ---- but anyway (EXPLOSION, FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER) your house is demolished. (SIREN) Help comes too late. It burns to the ground (HOSE) and they pour water on it to make a pool of mud and ----
SS (DORIS): Here's your letter ---- I ain't goin to the post office after all.
TR: What?????
GK: The letter is to your insurance company. It has the check for the homeowner's insurance, to have the policy reinstated. Retroactive to April. (THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like rhubarb.
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Bebopareebop, rhubarb pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Bebopareebop, rhubarb pie.
Bebopareebop, rhubarb pie.
© Garrison Keillor 2002