(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
GK: .....back right after this message.
TR: I sure wish we could get that damage deposit back from our old landlord. That fire was an accident.
SS: I know but what can we do without a lawyer? (BRIDGE)
GK: If you want to scare the pants off somebody but you can't afford a lawyer, you can buy a Generic Cease and Desist Letter from Harris & Burnham for just $12.95.
GK: The next day.....
TR: (READING, WITH GREAT AUTHORITY, WITH TK GASPING IN PANIC) This is to inform you, nunc protunc, that we intend to obtain summary judgment and decree absolute for aggravated damages, res judicata---
TK: Omigosh. Res judicata. What can I do now? I'm ruined! (CRY OF DESPAIR)
GK: A good Cease & Desist letter really does the trick. Most people who read it will cease immediately and more than half will desist. So don't sit and stew over your predicament, bully your adversaries into submission, strike terror into their hearts with a well-crafted legal torpedo printed on high-quality paper with the Harris & Burnham letterhead, mailed in an envelope marked "Rush, Urgent," "Confidential" and "For Addressee's Eyes Only."
TK: (READING, with TR PANIC REACTIONS) "You are hereby, ad infinitum, ordered to cease, desist, and show cause, in face of an adjudication order, corpus delicti, and/or actio in personam.
TR: Actio in personam!!! Heaven help me. I'm ruined. What can I do?
GK: If you're the party of the first part, don't let the party of the second part get away with it. Bite em in the butt, with a letter from Harris & Burnham. Why pay a lawyer thousands of dollars for a piece of paper that may or may not hold up in court anyway? Our specialty---- jackpot personal injury claims.
SS: Oh, honey, let's run over to the Jensens' house. It's twilight and there's a children's trike on the walk that I'll bet would be darned hard to see in the dark.
GK: Caribbean cruise, here we come!
TR: Harris & Burnham assumes no liability for misuse of this instrument. Not exactly legal in any state. Void where prohibited or noticed. Must be of sound mind and body. Possible side effects may include incarceration.
© Garrison Keillor 2002