(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith; RD: Richard Dworsky)
GK: ......after a message from the Catchup Advisory Board.
(MUSIC)
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. The ant farm we got for Christmas produced its first harvest of tiny red delicious apples. The dark spot on my chest X-ray turned out to be a peanut butter cup from the X-ray technician's lunch. We got rid of the gophers in our back yard with a handful of mothballs and some leftover Roman candles. Our son's picture was in the newspaper, although the image was fuzzy the way all those security camera photos are. We started attending a Unitarian church, and suddenly we don't feel that God is standing over us with a hammer in his hand. And we bought a new hair conditioner with rosemary and oregano in it that makes us both feel very very happy, and then one day last week, I found Barb in the kitchen, all upset over something.
SS: Oh, Jim. I just got home from my therapist's. I am so depressed.
TR: What's wrong, honey? I thought your therapy was going well. Why, just last week you found $2.35 in loose change under your therapist's sofa cushions.
SS: It was going well. I loved talking to her and I absolutely adored that Lithium. And then today she tells me that it's Carl Yoong. Here I've been pronouncing his name Carl Jung. I've been talking about Carl Jung this and Carl Jung that. Today I find out it's Yoong. I feel like an idiot.
TR: Do you mind if I ask a question, Barb?
SS: No----
TR: Was it your Jungian therapist who recommended you keep so many candles burning around the house?
SS: No, I got that from Martha Stewart.
TR: Candles floating in bowls of water?
SS: You don't like it?
TR: It makes me nervous. And the bars of soap wrapped with barn twine. And those tumbleweed arrangements. The rolls of toilet paper arranged in pyramids and surrounded by pinecones. And the pile of sand in the middle of the table?
SS: It's a serenity garden, Jim. You take your fork and make patterns in it while you're waiting for the pot roast to come out.
TR: Barb, I wonder if what you need isn't more ketchup.
SS: Really?
TR: A half-gallon jug of ketchup in the middle of the table would be a real source of serenity, I think. Because ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help smooth out the rough spots in life.
SS: Would you mind if I put candles around it?
RD: These are the good times, the world is bright and green,
Living and loving, that's what the good life means.
Life is flowing, like ketchup on baked beans
GK: Ketchup... for the good times.
RD: Ketchup.... Ketchup...
© Garrison Keillor 2002