(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith; RD: Richard Dworsky)
(MUSIC)
GK: We had a breakthrough in science this week. Researchers have implanted microchips into the brains of rats and are able to control their actions through a laptop computer. Smarter rats can only mean a higher standard of living for all of us. Soon we'll implant microchips in mosquitoes and use them to read the warranty on electronics items. Or we can implant a microchip in you. Yes, if some part of your life is out of control, a microchip implant can change it.
TK: Doctor, I'm an incurable romantic.
SS: I'm a bleeding heart liberal.
TR: I am addicted to the recordings of The Carpenters.
GK: No more. You can get your life back under control with an implant. It's as simple as brain surgery. From Reliable Brain Surgery. Reliableff.it's the name to remember when you need brain surgery. (BRIDGE. RESPIRATOR)
SS: How're we doing there?
TR: Real good. He asleep yet?
SS: He sure looks asleep to me.
TR: Me, too. Well, I guess we'll know in a moment. (POWER DRILL)
SS: Yuck. Lotta gunk in that brain. How was he ever able to remember names or dates?
TR: Probably he couldn't. (DRILL STOPS) Those are old song lyrics in there. Suction. (SUCTION PUMP) Get that over there, too. (SUCTION) Those are little remnants of old jokes. Give me the water pic. (PULSATING SHOTS OF WATER) Clean that out. Give me the microchip.
SS: Where is it?
TR: You've got it.
SS: No, you were the one who took it out of the box.
TR: Really?
SS: There it is. In your hand.
TR: Well, I'll be darned. (POP) There. That should fix him. Let's wake him up.
SS: I forget --- was this the guy who wanted to quit smoking?
TR: No, it's the kneejerk liberal.
SS: Are you sure?
TR: That's what the tag on the ankle says.
SS: Oh. (FACE SLAPS) Wake up, Mr. Hattendorf. Wake up! (TK DROWSY, AWAKENS) We'd like you to sit up now. Easy does it. Easy.
TK: Let me tell you something: I worked hard for everything I got and they can work for what they get. No more hand-outs.
SS: Looks like it worked.
TR: Yeah. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: If your life is out of control, if you want to change your mind, how about a microchip implant from Reliable Brain SurgeryffReliable, it's the name to remember when brain surgery is called for.
RD (SINGS): When you need someone to drill behind your eyeball,
Call for Reliable.
© Garrison Keillor 2002