(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
(PIANO. "UN BEL DI" FROM "MADAME BUTTERFLY")
SS: That's so beautiful.
GK: It's from opera, isn't it...
SS: Madame Butterfly.
GK: Right.
SS: You forgot?
GK: No, I remember.
SS: We saw it two years ago. Our tenth anniversary.
GK: Right.
SS: You remember our anniversary, right?
GK: I do. September 27th.
SS: Twenty-sixth.
GK: Oh. It's sure a great opera.
SS: I never understood opera until I saw that opera and ---- just the way she trusted him to return and then when he did, he destroyed the village and started tearing people apart --- or, no ---that's Beowulf. The way she waited for him to return and then he came back with his American wife.
GK: Lieutenant Pinkerton ---
SS: Right. What a jerk. What a slap in the face.
GK: Well, that's how great an opera it is.
SS: I don't think a man can understand an opera like a woman can. Especially an opera about betrayal.
GK: Oh----
SS: Whenever I hear that song, I feel like it's my life story.
GK: When were you betrayed?
SS: I can't talk about it. It's too painful.
GK: Was that the opera we went to with your parents?
SS: No. It was on our tenth anniversary.
GK: Oh. Right.
SS: And afterward we went to that restaurant where you made the pass at the waitress. I went to the ladies' room and when I came back, there you were, ogling her, flirting--- I couldn't believe it.
GK: I was not ogling.
SS: Every time she approached our table you became very effervescent. You went into your Cary Grant accent. It was disgusting.
GK: I was being pleasant. I spoke, I made eye contact.
SS: I don't think it was her eyes that excited you.
GK: Oh, for heaven's sake----
SS: Every time she bent down to pour more wine, you raised up in your seat.
GK: I did not.
SS: You did. I was there.
GK: I was there, too.
SS: Why do you always do that?
GK: Always?
SS: You see some beautiful young thing and suddenly you're Mister Personality. It's so cheesy.
GK: You know, if you want to talk about cheesy, we could talk about the time you got to meet Yo Yo Ma.
SS: Oh please......
GK: Backstage after that concert. You stood around by the door like a 13-year-old.
SS: It was a great concert.
GK: He came out and you walked up and asked for his autograph.
SS: So?
GK: You asked him to sign your blouse!
SS: I couldn't find any paper, okay?
GK: I thought you were going to kiss the tassels on his shoes. Talk about fawning-----
SS: He's a fantastic artist-----
GK: I think there was more than music involved here.
SS: Well, at least I got a crush on somebody worth having a crush on.
GK: So you admit it.
SS: Not some waitress-----
GK: You had a crush on him. Think how that makes me feel. Trust is a delicate thing. It's easily broken.
(MUSIC FOR A MOMENT)
GK: Reminds me of the story about the dog in the bar.....
SS: What story is that?
GK: The guy sends the dog for cigars and the dog gets drunk, and the guy says, "How could you do this? You never did this before." And the dog says, "I never had the money before."
SS: No, the dog goes in the bar and the bartender says, "We don't get many dogs in here," and the dog says, "And with these prices, I'm not surprised."
GK: Different joke.
SS: That was the joke you told to the waitress.
GK: I did not.
SS: You grilled her about intimate details of her life and found out she had a dog, so you told her that one and the one about the guy who comes into the bar with a couple dog turds in his hand and says to the bartender, "Look what I almost stepped in."
GK: I would never tell a tasteless joke like that.
SS: She bent over laughing and you were hoping they'd fall out.
GK: I don't know what you're talking about.
SS: What is it about men that you can't stop hunting?
GK: Oh for pity's sake.
SS: You get one female and you have to go sniffing around for a new one.
GK: You are so lucky that you married someone with a sense of humor. I hope you know that.
SS: Men are like dogs. You have to sniff every butt that comes by.
GK: Well, women are like horoscopes. Always telling you what to do, and usually completely wrong.
(PAUSE, MUSIC)
SS: So this young woman is walking down the street when she sees a funeral procession come by. A hearse, followed by an old woman in black walking a pit bull on a leash, followed by another hearse, followed by two hundred women walking single file. The young woman says, "Pardon me for intruding, but whose funeral is it?" And the old woman said, "Well, my husband is in that hearse up there. He was attacked and killed by my dog, who also killed my husband's girlfriend, who is in that hearse back there." The young woman said, "Could I borrow that dog?" The old woman said, "Get in line."
GK: That is a cruel joke.
SS: Of course.
(MUSIC)
GK: It was a great opera, that's for sure.
SS: It still is.
GK: You know how it's going to come out and yet you can't take your eyes off it.
SS: Sort of like you and me.
GK: What does that mean?
SS: We'll find out.
GK: Good night. (MUSIC: REPEAT BUTTERFLY THEME, BIG, THEN OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2002