(GK: Garrison Keillor; FN: Fred Newman; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell; RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: ...after a word from the Catchup Advisory Board.
(MUSIC)
TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. My boss went in for treatment of depression after we substituted aspirin for her Prozac and suddenly work is fun again --- we've been playing battleship and hearts and Twenty Questions and having fondue parties and one of the women is teaching us the Macarena. Barb's right-wing brother-in-law had hip replacement surgery and I went to see him in the hospital and turned on the TV and an hour long interview with Senator Clinton about diversity in the workplace was on and I walked away with the remote and his call button. And I bought new dictionary software that helps me get through the Sunday crossword puzzle in about twelve minutes so now I have the rest of the day free. We should've been happy, but one morning I found Barb staring into the bathroom mirror.
SS: Jim, do you think my teeth are dull?
TR: I don't know. Bite me and I'll tell you.
SS: I mean, dull, colorless, drab.
TR: You want colorful teeth?
SS: I had lunch with Robin today and her teeth absolutely dazzled. They looked like a sink in a Dutch cleanser commercial.
TR: Yours are just fine.
SS: You mean, "pretty good for someone my age." Oh Jim, I want to be attractive. I'm tired of looking like I've spent twenty years chewing caribou hides. I'm going to get braces and have my teeth capped and have a big shiny How Ya Doin smile and get into management. Did you know that people who show their teeth regularly earn 25% more than those who don't? Robin told me that.
TR: Honey, Robin's teeth look like they're fiberglass. So do her gums. Why spend thousands of dollars to look like a dental display at a Science Fair?
SS: Robin said she used one of those mouthpieces that whitens your teeth while you sleep.
TR: Barb, the idea of your body changing color during the night is nothing a sensible person should consider. Putting something in your mouth that has the same chemicals used to rinse ducks after an oil spill seems very risky to me. Why not simply increase your intake of ketchup?
SS: Doesn't ketchup stain teeth?
TR: No, it eliminates stains. And ketchup has natural mellowing agents that enhance attractiveness from within. What do you say we soak our teeth in some ketchup right now?
RD (SINGS): These are the good years, greening like the leaf.
Shining like sunlight as the wave sweeps toward the reef.
Life is flowing, like ketchup on ground beef....
GK: Ketchup- for the good times.
RD: Ketchup... Ketchup..
© Garrison Keillor 2002