(GK: Garrison Keillor; FN: Fred Newman; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
GK: ......after a message from the National Safety Council.
One of the great achievements of American know-how is packaging ---- in the rest of the world, you go to an open-air market and buy stuff that's sitting there in a heap and you've got no idea where it's been or who touched it ---- but here in America, we have shrink wrap and for peace of mind there's nothing like it and yet when it's shrunk too tight it can be hard to remove (FN ANGRY MUTTERING, STRAINING) CDs, books, toys, aspirin bottles, even prime cuts of meat ---- wrapped tightly to prevent deadly germs from getting in but sometimes people wind up breaking a fingernail (BIG CRACK, CRY OF PAIN) in their desperation ----- people trying to open things with nailfiles (FN FRUSTRATION), letter openers, chisels (HAMMER BONK), pistols and derringers (GUNSHOTS), chainsaws (CHAINSAW), blow torches (BLOWTORCH), jackhammers (JACKHAMMER), plastic explosives (EXPLOSION), Rottweilers (DOG SNARLING), backhoes (BIG ENGINE REV), guys named Tiny (FN BIG GUY: Here, lemme open that) ---- and often people having a hard time with persistent shrink-wrap will run and get the scissors ---- and we were all taught in grade school (FN SCHOOLTEACHER: You must never ever run with scissors, children, or you will fall on them and pierce your spleen or something.) and yet people do it anyway (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS), run with scissors in a moment of shrink-wrap rage and of course they fall (FN LOSING BALANCE, FALLING) and they stab themselves (STAB WOUND) and it goes right straight into their spleen (FN GROANING) and they wind up spending weeks in the hospital (BREATHING MACHINE, ETC.) and they lose their home and their car (FN LITTLE VOICE: Oh dear) because their health plan, the Reno health insurance, doesn't cover spleen loss (FN LITTLE VOICE: Oh, I see.) and ordinarily a person would be furious about this but after you've lost your spleen you become quite docile (FN LITTLE VOICE: Oh well.) and you can't work on the floor of the Stock Exchange any more (FN L.V.: No. Too stressful.) and you can't live in New York anymore (FN L.V: Too much traffic.) and you have to move to Toledo and get a job as a tour guide (FN L.V.: Today we'll be touring the factory and learning How Grommets Are Made and what an important part grommets play in our lives. But first we'll have a fifteen-minute film presentation. Thank you. FILM MUSIC STARTING OFF-KEY AS PROJECTOR COMES UP TO SPEED) and all because you were in a big rush to unwrap a CD.
Please, if you encounter shrink wrap that's shrunk too tight, sit down. Take a deep breath. (DEEP BREATH) and look for the seam of the shrink wrap and, using a ballpoint pen or paper clip or some other pointed object, penetrate the shrink wrap (POP) and then use your fingernail to pull the plastic from the product (STRETCHING PLASTIC) and be sure to dispose of the plastic safely and don't leave it where your cat could ingest it and choke. (CAT CHOKING)
A message in the public interest from the National Safety Council. (BAND PLAYOFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2002