(GK: Garrison Keillor; FN: Fred Newman; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell; WB: Walter Bobbie)
(MUSIC)
GK: Late at night at the Manley Building on East 52nd, in the offices of the Amalgamated Organization of Federated Associations on the 15th floor.....the cleaning crew locks up----
TR (RUSSIAN): Goodnight, Irene.
SS (OLD LADY): Goodnight, Dmitry.
TR (RUSSIAN): See you tomorrow.
(DOOR CLOSE, LOCK)
GK: All was still. The cubicles were dark, the desks, the little family photos, the cartoons pinned to the walls. The copier was turned off, the computers, the fax machine, the coffeemaker on top of the filing cabinets. And then (RING) ---- the phone rang in the cubicle of the newest employee ---- (RING) ----Terese, who replaced the old guy---- (RING) and of course it woke up all the equipment---- (BEEPS OF COMPUTER BOOT UP, FAN STARTS) the computer screen suddenly lit up......and the coffee machine came to life (DARTH VADER BREATHING) and that woke up the copier (WHIRR OF WARM UP, FEW TEST SHEETS) and the paper shredder (WHIRR, SHREDDING), and the electric pencil sharpener (SFX). And finally the answering machine picked up and all the equipment leaned forward to listen.
WB (ON PHONE): Hi. Terese. It's me. Jason. I know this is your work number you gave me, I know you're not there, but ---- I had to call. It was so wonderful tonight. I really felt something---- click between us. I didn't know how to say it at the restaurant. But I really want to see you again. I hope you'll call me. I enjoyed tonight so much. Thank you. I hope you'll call. Bye. (CLICK)
GK: The computer spoke first:
SS (COMP): He has performed an illegal function. Making a personal phone call to an office phone is an illegal function. In the future, he will be disconnected.
GK: And the copier said:
FN (COPIER, COPYING): Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh, omigosh, what's his name, what's his name, what's his name, whadduzhewant, whadduzhewant, whudduzhewant.....
GK: And the answering machine said....
TR (ANSWERING MACHINE): If you want to hear my opinion, press 1. If you wish to speak to the caller, press 2. To leave a message, press 3. Otherwise, stay on the line and and someone will be with you, in awhile.
SS (COMPUTER): The caller has performed an illegal function.
GK: And the coffee machine stared down at the computer, and started to brew coffee---- (COFFEE MACHINE, BREATHING. DRIPPING)
SS (COMPUTER): Installing program to erase messages on answering machine. Illegal function. Personal phone call on business phone. Loading program.
GK: Then the coffeemaker spat at the computer.
FN (COFFEEMAKER HISS, SPUTTER): Don't you dare! He loves her!
SS (COMPUTER): Illegal function. Personal phone message (COMPUTER BEEPS).
TR (A.M.): If you wish to hear the message again-----
SS (COMPUTER): Shut up. You are performing an illegal function. Personal phone call. Personal phone call. (WARNING BEEPS) The answering machine will shut down in 15 seconds.
FN (COPIER): That's irrational. Irrational. Irrational. Irrational. Irrational. Irrational.
SS (COMPUTER): A copier is calling a computer---- irrational? (BEEPING) Copiers are redundant.
(RING)
(COFFEEMAKER HISS)
(RING)
SS (COMPUTER): It is an illegal function to answer this call.
(RING)
SS (COMPUTER): Anyone who answers this call will be terminated.
(RING)
SS (COMPUTER): This is a personal phone call.
(RING, PICK UP)
WB (ON PHONE): Hi. It's me again. I just had to tell you: I'm crazy about you. Good night, darling. (CLICK)
FN (COPIER): Omigosh omigosh omigosh omigosh.
SS (COMPUTER): Illegal function.
(COFFEE MACHINE BREATHING, BIG SNARLING AND SORTING)
FN (AOL): You've got mail!
SS (COMPUTER): The mail is from the personal caller. The caller is not a known user. Unauthorized.
FN (AOL): You've got mail!
SS (COMPUTER): Unauthorized! Connection refused! Bad file request! Caller is not a known user!
FN (COFFEE MACHINE BREATHING)
SS (COMPUTER): Installing program to delete messages on machine. Installing program. Loading ----
(BEEPS)
TR (A.M.): You have two new messages. To listen to your messages (VOICE TRAILS OFF INTO LOW BASS), press one-one. To save your messages, press seven. To erase....
SS (COMPUTER): Messages erased.
GK: And the coffeemaker laughed a cruel caffeinated laugh.
(DARTH VADER CHUCKLE)
GK: And it spat a stream of coffee in the direction of the computer. (BIG GASP, AND SQUIRT) And the computer shorted out. (SHORTING) And a beeper went off. (BEEPER) And the electric pencil sharpener had a seizure. (SHARPENER) Even the electric stapler got excited. (STAPLER) And the water cooler. (BUBBLING) And the copier made hundreds of copies, all of them blank. (COPIER) And there was no more sound from the computer except a faint whimper----
SS (COMPUTER): An error has occurred..
GK: And it's screen went dark. (COMPUTER SHUT DOWN) And all was still in the cubicles except for the coffeemaker.
(COFFEE MACHINE BREATHING)
GK: And the coffeemaker made a heroic attempt to let Terese know that Jason had called by writing the letter J on the rug. (COFFEE MACHINE BREATHING, SPRAYING) But in the attempt it fell off the filing cabinet onto the floor. (GASPING, FALL, BREAKAGE, LEAKING) And the next morning when the office manager Harold arrived----
WB: Oh my gosh, what a mess!!! Who did this??? (HE IS SEIZED WITH PAIN)
GK: He had a heart attack. (WB COLLAPSES) And he was taken to the hospital. And the coffeemaker and computer were thrown away. (CLUNK, CRASH)
GK: And Terese moved to Harold's cubicle.....
SS: Poor Harold.
GK: And the phone in her old cubicle was disconnected. (BLOOP) And if her lover ever called her, nobody knew it.
SS: He was nice but---- I guess he wasn't interested. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2002