(GK: Garrison Keillor; FN: Fred Newman; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, CT:Calvin Trillin)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those spring days when the morning breeze carries the memories of gorgeous goddesses in diaphanous gowns leaning languidly against the balustrade at the country club. On this particular morning however I was trying to get the coffeemaker in my office to work. I filled it with water (POURING) and I ground the beans (GRINDER) and it was all set to go and I turned it on and (COFFEEMAKER HISSING AND RUMBLING, COUGHING, SPUTTERING, BIG STEAM EXPULSION) ----- doggone it, make coffee, willya? You're a coffeemaker. How hard is that? Finally, it emitted about a quarter cup of tepid brew (BLOOPS) and I tossed in some whitener and listened to my phone messages. (BEEP)
TR (ON PHONE): It's L. Walter Francine, Mr. Noir. Calling from the law firm of Burton, Erskine, Skinner, Filet. Mr. Noir, a client of ours says that a few weeks ago you made disparaging remarks about his sportcoat so as to intentionally cause him anguish and distress. I'm sure you'd rather not see this matter go to court, Mr. Noir, and so, if I may suggest a solution (CLICK) (BEEP)
TR (ON PHONE): (SWEDISH) (CLICK, BEEP)
SS (ON PHONE, BREATHY): Hi. Where are you? I'm waiting, big boy. (CLICK).
(KNOCKS ON DOOR) ----
GK: Yeah, come in, the door's open. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS AND STOP.)
CT: Mr. Noir? I'm Leonard Barley. I'm with the Barnum & Barley Circus. Am I catching you at a bad time?
GK: Mr. Barley, my time is yours. Take as much as you wish.
CT: Thank you.
GK: What can I do for you?
CT: Well, it's like this. I'm the ringmaster at Barnum & Barley. The guy in the tux and the top hat who blows the whistle. You know----
GK: Sure.
CT: Until last year I was an aerialist, but my partner experienced a sudden weight gain after his wife ran off with the alligator man and he was no longer able to do the full triple somersault, all he could do was a two and three-quarter somersault, so I had to catch him by the belt instead of the wrists, and aesthetically speaking, it wasn't good.
GK: Of course not. So you became a ringmaster.
CT: Yes. Am I telling this story too slowly?
GK: No.
CT: You can tell me if I am.
GK: No, you're doing fine.
CT: People tell me I'm extremely deliberate when I talk.
GK: You're doing fine.
CT: Deliberateness is a habit you learn as an aerialist.
GK: I can well understand.
CT: It's not a line of work that rewards the sudden impulse, Mr. Noir.
GK: No, of course not.
CT: Spontaneity is not a virtue in aerial work, Mr. Noir.
GK: I imagine not. Anyway---- you're the ringmaster now----
CT: I am. And as part of my job, I tell a few jokes right after the elephant act to give the circus hands time to clean up the ring----
GK: Yes, of course.
CT: I always tell the same four jokes, which take exactly one minute and twenty two seconds, which is exactly how long it takes to get the ring ready. A minute twenty-two seconds.
GK: Interesting. (ERUPTION OF COFFEEMAKER, GASPING, COUGHING)
CT: What's that?
GK: Just the coffeemaker. Been acting up lately. SHUT UP! (BONK, COFFEEMAKER IS QUIET) Okay---- so you tell four jokes that take one minute twenty-two seconds while the circus hands can shovel up elephant dung.
CT: Exactly. But a few months ago, the elephants were put on a different diet and now I have to cover two minutes and forty seconds.
GK: So there you are telling jokes, while they shovel-----
CT: Right.
GK: Telling jokes for two minutes and forty seconds.
CT: Right on the money. (KNOCKS ON DOOR)
GK: Excuse me. ---- Come on in, the door's unlocked! (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) (HIGH HEEL FOOTSTEPS AND STOP) Oh my gosh. (SEXY SAX) To begin with, she was barely dressed. Long mesh hose and a body stocking and a little spangly top and tiny red velour skirt that looked like ribbon wrapping up her thighs for Christmas. If that skirt had been any shorter, it would've been a garter belt. The body stocking was stretched so tight you could follow the movement of white corpuscles through her blood stream. You could see her heart beat under her ribcage. It seemed to slow down when she looked at me. --- Excuse me, Mr. Barley ---- could you wait in the hall for a few minutes? Maybe go out and have coffee? Or dinner? See a movie?
SS: Actually I'm looking for Leonard.
CT: This is Sheila the lion tamer.
GK: Lion tamer, huh? Those must be very elderly lions.
SS: The matinee is starting in half an hour, Leonard. Time you should be getting into your tuxedo.
CT: Sheila always helps me get dressed before the show.
GK: Yes?
CT: I got some more jokes for my routine to make it forty seconds longer and now this guy from a rival circus is accusing me of stealing his stuff. A guy named Murray the Magnificent. ----- (POUNDING ON DOOR, DOOR THROWN OPEN)
TR (OFF): Aha!!! Here you are, you weasel!!! (SLAMS DOOR SHUT, STOMPS IN) I oughta treat you to a knuckle sandwich, ya little peabrain!! What you mean going around and stealing people's material?? Huh? Where's your sense of decency? Well, I've had enough of it. You've swiped my gags for the last time----
GK: Hold on there. Just calm down. Take a deep breath. You're accusing my client of stealing jokes from you?
TR: He sat through three performances while I went through my routine and I could see him writing stuff down on his popcorn box. He swiped my stuff!! My jokes!!! Walked in and stole em!!!
CT: Okay. I confess ---- yes, I did go to your show and I did do some research there and through carelessness or whatever, I failed to acknowledge that the jokes were yours. I should've put a footnote in the circus program. I'll do my best to correct this in the future.
GK: Seems fair to me. What do you say, Murray?
TR: Well. Okay.
GK: Good. He'll put a footnote in the program saying that these were your jokes and that he's using them with your permission.
TR: All I want is credit for my work.
GK: Of course you do. Well, the problem is solved.
CT: I appreciate your help, Mr. Noir.
GK: I'm a professional. It's what I do.
SS: Leonard, we should be going----
CT: I'm on my way, Sheila----
GK: I'm just curious---- what was it that you stole, Mr. Barley?
TR: Stole a whole bunch of stuff. About ten of my best ones.
GK: Like what, for example?
CT: Well, for example, the grasshopper walks into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." And the grasshopper says, "Why would anyone name a drink Larry?"
GK: I see. And people laugh at this?
CT: Sure fire. Big hit every time.
GK: Is that right?
TR: I tried doing it for awhile with "Why would anyone name a drink Frank?" It bombed.
GK: It's variation of the one about the dog who walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any jobs?" And the bartender says, "Why don't you try the circus?" And the dog says, "Why would the circus need a typist?"
CT: I don't get it. Of course the circus would need a typist.
TR: Our circus has several typists.
CT: So does ours. Good secretarial skills have always been in demand --- in circuses and everywhere else.
GK: What else of his jokes do you use?
CT: I follow the grasshopper joke with the joke about the blind man. Why is the blind man's leg yellow? ----Because his dog is blind too. And, why did the blind man's fingers turn purple? Because he heard it through the grapevine.
GK: And that's a big one?
TR: It never fails. (COFFEEMAKER STARTS TO GUFFAW AND WHEEZE) Your coffeemaker enjoyed it.
GK: But a blind man hears the same way anybody else does. It should be, "He read it through the grapevine."
CT: It doesn't work that way.
TR: He also stole my penguin joke.
GK: The one about the two penguins standing on the iceberg?
TR: Ice floe, actually. I used to do it with "iceberg" and ---- nothing. Changed it to "ice floe" and they laughed till they fell over.
SS: We must be going, Leonard. I've got to take off this body stocking, it's itching like crazy.
GK: Mr. Barley? Could I have a word with you?
CT: Of course.
GK: Alone?
CT: Excuse me, Sheila. (FOOTSTEPS, AND STOP)
GK: Mr. Barley --- remember this: when you steal, steal good stuff. It's just a good rule. If you're gonna plagiarize, don't steal from some mediocrity. Go to the top. You knock over a 7-11, you don't go away with a couple trays of glazed doughnuts, do you? No. You get the cash.
CT: Have you ever heard the penguin joke?
GK: I have. All my life.
CT: But you've never heard it the way I tell it. Listen---- "There are these two penguins standing on an ice floe and one penguin turns to the other one and he says, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo......" (MUSIC)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2002