(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim RuSSell, TK:Tom Keith)
(SOAPY ORGAN)
...coming up later on many of these radio stations, it's "The Turn Toward Fifty-Five" ----
TR: They were young, they had big dreams, there was so much they wanted to do, and then -----
GK: They turned 55. (STING)
SS: Here it is, honey. "Stephen Foster High Class of '65 Reunion." Why in the world is there a flyswatter on our school insignia? I don't remember that.
TR: It's a banjo.
SS: Oh. Right. Well, let's go in.
TR: I'm afraid, Lainie. Afraid of what I'll see.
SS: Oh, Chip.
TR: I mean it. I haven't seen these people in almost forty years. The aging, the decay. The bad hair, the false teeth. Girls I lusted after, with ropy necks and liver spots.
SS: Well, we're all in the same boat, Chip. Put on your name tag and let's go. (DOOR OPEN, CROWD AMBIENCE, FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Hi--------- hi there ----------- good to see you. ------- How you doin? (SOTTO VOCE) Lainie, I don't recognize a single person. Nobody. Are you sure this isn't a chapter meeting of the A.A.R.P.? Who's that guy? And why is he wearing a gun?
SS: That's the security guard.
TR: Look. Is that Bob Vogel? The star of the football team? He looks like he swallowed a basketball. I'm going to start tossing back some whiskies. Where's the bar?
SS: Over there. By the potted palm. (STEPS AWAY)
(SS starts humming to MUSIC)
GK: Lainie-----
SS: Who's this- .
GK: Don't turn around just yet. I want to imagine you as you were.
SS: Hey, get your hands off my eyes.
GK: Don't peek. I want you to guess. Who is it?.
SS: I haven't the faintest----
GK: I'll give you a clue. We necked one night under the bleachers.
SS: Under the bleachers. Tommy Anderson?
GK: It was very passionate.
SS: Larry Bleckner?
GK: We ripped each other's clothes half off.
SS: Hank Crowley? Danny Carson?
GK: No.
SS: Alan Deutchman? Bobby Dorfler? Sid Dukiman? Ernie Dalrimple? Fred Dorlenberg? Tony Ellefson?
GK: It's... Carl.
SS: Carl....
GK: Carl Ottlinger.
SS: Oh. Carl ...?
GK: Ottlinger. You can look now.
SS: (GASPS, SOUND OF GLASS DROPPING AND BREAKING) Good Lord!
GK: Surprised?
SS: Your face! You-
GK: I've had plastic surgery, Lainie. Because, you see, I never got over you. Thirty-two years later and I still get out our yearbook every night and look at the picture of you in French club, choir, you in the picture of the girls field hockey team. Second row, third from the left. I still find that picture almost unbearably exciting. About a year ago, I quit my job as an urban planner and I bought a gun and I knocked over a series of banks in South Dakota and I took the money, about a half million dollars, and went to a great clinic in Switzerland and I had the surgeons make me look exactly like the guy you chose instead of me. Your husband, Chip. As he appeared in his graduation picture.
SS: It's amazing. You are Chip. You're him. At eighteen. His eyes, his mouth, his chin, his-----
GK: I want to be young for you, Lainie......
SS: Carl----
GK: Call me Chip.
TR: (APPROACHING) Hey honey, what do you say we go out on the terrace. I ran into someone----- (TWO DRINKS DROP TO THE FLOOR) Leapin lizards!
GK: Hi, old-timer.
SS: Chip, this is Carl Ottlinger-
TR: Is that a mask?
GK: No. I'm taking your wife, Pops.
TR: What? Lainie???? Why are you holding hands with him?
SS: He's so handsome. Just like you were.
TR: Hold on just a minute-
GK: Hands off, Pops. Don't make me get rough. I'm taking Lainie to Switzerland. There's a great surgeon there. Enjoy your cribbage games.
SS: It's not like I'm leaving you, Chip. It's more like I'm rediscovering you.....
GK: Let's go, baby.
TR: Lainie??????
SS: Bye, honey. Don't forget to take your pills, they're in the kitchen, by the sink. (ORGAN)
GK: That's later tonight, on "The Turn Toward Fifty Five" ----
TR: They were romantic idealists, and the world was all theirs, and then suddenly--------
GK: They turned 55. (STING)
© Garrison Keillor 2002